There’s something to be said
When you feel better off dead
The love went skipping through your head
Your heart is bleeding

In the anxious darkened hour
You surrendered to her powers
Trust and kindness was devoured
You just said ‘thank you.’

In 30 years your still alone and
Life has striped you to the bone
You scattered breadcrumbs to find home
In time they molded

So you find a smiling face
Pack up and leave this place.
When all pain is lost to grace
You just get older.

So you turn on every stone
You spend your nights alone.
You compose a heartfelt poem
And now it’s over

You mange one more verse as
You sit weeping in your hearse
For all eternity you curse
Your arms are folded

The transformation is complete. I will admit I once owned a copy of an Eminem album. It was back in 2000 and my neighbor bought it and I copied hers. I figured if a woman owned it, then it couldn’t be that bad. I listened to it back in the day and thought Eminem was cleaver and funny and couldn’t understand why people didn’t get the joke.
So today I found the CD deep in the recesses of my collection and thought “what the heck, I haven’t heard this in a while.” About three songs in, I had to resist the urge to roll down the window and chuck this thing onto I-95. What finally did it for me was when one of the guest rappers on the album came on and talked about giving his sister the birthday present of losing her virginity to his crew. Yeah, not a damn thing funny or clever or witty about gang rape. I guess in a world where Courtney Love is allowed to raise a child, Eminem might not be the worst parent out there. I just hope Haley ends up becoming her father’s biggest critic. I guess if there is a “joke” to Eminem, I just don’t get it anymore.

A wave of mutilation.


I’ve been trying to avoid all related stories to this tidal wave incident in Asia. I’m not a heartless or desensitized and unfeeling person. In fact, I’m quite the opposite and the more I hear about it, the more helpless and useless I’ll feel. So I would rather not know. I think unless you are willing to hop a boat and go to some disaster stricken place to pass out soup and tend to the sick, then you really shouldn’t make a hobby out of following these stories. If you aren’t willing to help, then it is just morbid curiosity.



Anyone see any good movies? Everything I’ve seen lately has sucked…a lot. “Oceans 12” and “The Life Aquatic” had way too many talented people behind their film to be as bad as they were. Watching “Spainglish” was about as comfortable as watching your grandparents get it on. I almost got up and left. That has only happened twice. The first time was “Loaded Weapon” and the second was “Carlitto’s Way.” The only thing I hate worse than those two films is the Eagles and macaroni and cheese and I hate both of those real good.


Sorry if I have not made any brilliant Christmas observations. I have been simultaneously depressed and busy. This is the one time of the year I feel pulled in 20 directions. That isn’t a good feeling. Some people might like feeling wanted or needed, but when I have family and friends all wanting to spend time with me I feel like I’m going to end up letting people I care about down. The holidays have this magic gift of making you feel really overloaded and really alone. I guess it is the holiday equivalent of sitting in Union Street Station on a busy afternoon and feeling like the only person on earth.

So I slept in my car on my lunch break and I feel human again. I listen to Disintegration by The Cure. It made for some trippy dreams, but I felt strangely well rested afterwards.

I also realized that all my scat the other day about no one carrying the torch after Cobain was misguided. I think when Fiona Apple gave her famous “this world is bull$h1t”speech she became our new spokesperson. I kid I kid. She is the perfect voice for our generation…for me to poop on.


If I had to elect any anthem in a pinch, it would be “Float On” by Modest Mouse. They’ve been plugging away for years making great music and I’m glad they had a hit and can buy some nice stuff. They deserve it. Anyway, “Float On” to me is sort of an anthem of just saying “screw it, we’ll just keep on doing what we do.” It seems to be about the liberation from expectations and needless worry.

Alllllrrirghhttttt

I use to have this album!!!

I'm having a geek moment.

What can you get a Wookie for Christmas...when he already owns a comb?

It is a miracle I am sitting upright. I don’t mean that in that wonders of the universe sense. I mean that in the “I slept 120 minutes last night” sense. I had a massive headache and finally passed out at midnight and then woke up again at 2 when it came back. I took everything but Celebrex and it still raged on. So I got to watch lots of bad TV. I just drank coffee, which my poor tired heart isn’t too thrilled about. Wish me luck. If I can survive on 2 hours of BAD sleep, then my body is a wonderland.

I just saw a special on Bravo about “Smells Like Teen Spirit.” It was funny that I was thinking about that song the other day. I suppose if you had to pick anthem for my generation that would have been it. The part that really surprised me was that this half hour special invoked a lot of emotion. If you’re over 35 or under 24, you probably have zero clue what I’m talking about, so you can just stop reading now.


Now for those of use who “came of age” during the explosion that was eventually named grunge, we can appreciate what a trend it turned into. Even today, you can look around and see elements of that time in fashion and music. It doesn’t take a lot of imagination to see what a change that movement ushered in. The great part is we also remember what the world was like before the first time we saw the anarchy cheerleaders and heard that glorious riff. Mariah Carey dominated the radio and youth culture looked to Arsenio Hall for cues. Nirvana changed all that.

While you can argue that Cobain wasn’t a great musician, nor did his songs tell you a story, I don’t think many folks will try to counter either argument. What he did do was take a song of punk rock anger and make it catchy enough to get on the radio. At that time, it was widely believed that young people didn’t care about anything and had no opinions or interest in much. In some very real ways that was true. Yet I think we wanted to care about something and we wanted to feel that passion and I think Cobain had the art of capturing that unsettled sensation in his lyrics.

The down side to this is that for a few years it looked liked the world was really going to change. People were dressing down and growing their hair long and greasy. Music that said more than “lalalalala” was on the radio and a generation had something to finally get behind. The ultimate irony was that much of that spirit died in April 1994. I’d say perhaps for people my age, who were graduating high school in a few weeks and heading out into the world, that anti-climactic ending to a youth movement was like seeing the boat coming to rescue you sink just off the shore.

Since Cobain’s death we’ve been looking for someone else to carry the torch and lead us out of the darkness. The funny thing is we don’t know the way off the island, but we do know every nook and cranny of it. Here we have sat for the last decade praying under are breath that there is something more to life than the suburban mundane existence we were once promised we never had to endure. The worst part is this ending was the only foreseeable one.

If whatever the early 90s represented was allowed to fade out, then it would have been a trend. Instead, it ended tragically and left no hope for closure. That in and of itself left things exactly where they were when the whole change started. Of course now, flannel and power chords are a little more commonplace. Maybe the follow up anthem will never come. I’d imagine it would be titled “Calm Down People, There’s Nothing To See Here” and it would be sung lovingly by a bunch of 30 year olds wearing Old Navy closes reassuring us that its OK to like life and buy stuff.


Maybe it’s not so bad after all. We just have to quiet that inner dialogue that says otherwise. The first time anyone stayed true to their punk rock ethics and still “made it” was suppose to show us that you can stay true to who you are and maybe affect the world in a positive way. Instead it became a feeding frenzy of trendy clothing lines and record companies signing bands that were just fortunate enough to be in the right place at the right time. The heroes of that era all managed to self-destruct in one form or another and the rest of us managed to assimilate. The ultimately irony is that we finally achieved some appreciation for what our parent’s generation went through when the ideals they held dear became questions on “Jeopardy.”

I just saw a special on Bravo about “Smells Like Teen Spirit.” It was funny that I was thinking about that song the other day. I suppose if you had to pick anthem for my generation that would have been it. The part that really surprised me was that this half hour special invoked a lot of emotion. If you’re over 35 or under 24, you probably have zero clue what I’m talking about, so you can just stop reading now.


Now for those of use who “came of age” during the explosion that was eventually named grunge, we can appreciate what a trend it turned into. Even today, you can look around and see elements of that time in fashion and music. It doesn’t take a lot of imagination to see what a change that movement ushered in. The great part is we also remember what the world was like before the first time we saw the anarchy cheerleaders and heard that glorious riff. Mariah Carey dominated the radio and youth culture looked to Arsenio Hall for cues. Nirvana changed all that.

While you can argue that Cobain wasn’t a great musician, nor did his songs tell you a story, I don’t think many folks will try to counter either argument. What he did do was take a song of punk rock anger and make it catchy enough to get on the radio. At that time, it was widely believed that young people didn’t care about anything and had no opinions or interest in much. In some very real ways that was true. Yet I think we wanted to care about something and we wanted to feel that passion and I think Cobain had the art of capturing that unsettled sensation in his lyrics.

The down side to this is that for a few years it looked liked the world was really going to change. People were dressing down and growing their hair long and greasy. Music that said more than “lalalalala” was on the radio and a generation had something to finally get behind. The ultimate irony was that much of that spirit died in April 1994. I’d say perhaps for people my age, who were graduating high school in a few weeks and heading out into the world, that anti-climactic ending to a youth movement was like seeing the boat coming to rescue you sink just off the shore.

Since Cobain’s death we’ve been looking for someone else to carry the torch and lead us out of the darkness. The funny thing is we don’t know the way off the island, but we do know every nook and cranny of it. Here we have sat for the last decade praying under are breath that there is something more to life than the suburban mundane existence we were once promised we never had to endure. The worst part is this ending was the only foreseeable one.

If whatever the early 90s represented was allowed to fade out, then it would have been a trend. Instead, it ended tragically and left no hope for closure. That in and of itself left things exactly where they were when the whole change started. Of course now, flannel and power chords are a little more commonplace. Maybe the follow up anthem will never come. I’d imagine it would be titled “Calm Down People, There’s Nothing To See Here” and it would be sung lovingly by a bunch of 30 year olds wearing Old Navy closes reassuring us that its OK to like life and buy stuff.


Maybe it’s not so bad after all. We just have to quiet that inner dialogue that says otherwise. The first time anyone stayed true to their punk rock ethics and still “made it” was suppose to show us that you can stay true to who you are and maybe affect the world in a positive way. Instead it became a feeding frenzy of trendy clothing lines and record companies signing bands that were just fortunate enough to be in the right place at the right time. The heroes of that era all managed to self-destruct in one form or another and the rest of us managed to assimilate. The ultimately irony is that we finally achieved some appreciation for what our parent’s generation went through when the ideals they held dear became questions on “Jeopardy.”

"Woe to those who make unjust laws, to those who issue oppressive decrees, to deprive the poor of their rights and withhold justice from the oppressed of my people, making widows their prey and robbing the fatherless. What will you do on the day of reckoning, when disaster comes from afar? To whom will you run for help? Where will you leave your riches? Nothing will remain but to cringe among the captives or fall among the slain. “Isaiah 10:1-4


Sound like anyone you know? Yup, that’s Ol W alright. I really don’t see how the majority of Christians have overlooked the BLATANT ways in which Bush embodies nothing of what Jesus taught. It gets under my skin and I know I revisit this issue often. I guess it was the final nail in the coffin for me and the “church.” I can not bring myself to go anymore, because inevitably the subject of our leader comes up. Why oh why do they not see?


So here are some other choice pieces for you to think about.

"You shall not misuse the name of the LORD your God, for the LORD will not hold anyone guiltless who misuses His name."- Exodus 20:07


"Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world." James 1:27
"The righteous care about justice for the poor, but the wicked have no such concern." Proverbs 29:07
"So now the Lord has put a lying spirit in the mouths of all these prophets of yours. The Lord has decreed disaster for you." I Kings 22:23

I just don’t think God is political. Sorry. This country was founded on Christian principles, but when that is simply an excuse to bring up God’s name, it is a disservice. No one has dragged the Lord’s name through the mud as much as this administration. I’m certainly not going to say Ronald Reagan was a saint, but he was a pious man who prayed daily and was a practicing Christian. The difference is he never used his faith for political gain.

Out there somewhere is a tape of W saying “so what do we need to do to get the Christian vote?” or better yet “f--- the Christians. I just want their votes.” I hope this tape surfaces!

I guarantee you if Jesus himself came down and told W to give up all his worldly possessions and begin to work towards ending poverty, war, the class system and discrimination, he would chuckle and go right back to business. You see, those are the things Jesus espoused in the bible and those are the very values W spits on every time he has the audacity to mention God, Jesus or his “faith.” Good luck people, because if you (heart) Armageddon, you picked the right guy.

It is funny how we all have our little quirks. Usually, admit it or not, we think we are better than other people. I’ll admit quitting smoking makes me feel like I’ve done something a lot of folks can not. I’ll also admit I still want a cigarette.

I don’t drink or do drugs. I think they’re both wastes of time. Sometimes I might look down on people a little bit who do these things. Why? Who knows? I try not to watch too much TV or eat bad food. Sometimes, I do both and maybe, just maybe to excess. Who is to say I’m better or worse than anyone else?

Extreme people get under my skin sometimes. I don’t like the radical fundamentalist that feels that anyone who doesn’t believe exactly what they say is going to hell. Equally as guilty are the people who don’t want others to believe in anything. I affectionately call these people the evangelizing atheist. This time of year brings them out of the wood work.

I can sort of see your plight. I’m sick of hearing Christmas music and I’m tired of Christmas this and Christmas that. I think the commercialism gets under my skin more than anything. Why hasn’t Hanukah or Ramadan become commercialized? I’d like to see Pizza Hut have an after-dusk Ramadan feast. Maybe Wal-Mart can have 8 day sales on dreidels and menorahs. Why oh why must Christmas get the center stage every year?

So I feel your pain. Just hold on 9 more days and this country will go back to the God-less wasteland is always is. We could all focus on the commercial aspect of Christmas, or we could take a look at some of the positives. Every year I hear a song that reminds me of some happy childhood time or I’ll see Frosty’s special on TV and remember I once cried for hours when he melted. Like it or not, we all have some good memories about this holiday. Sure some of the magic is lost on those of us in the “in-between” stage.

If you aren’t a kid and you don’t have any kids, then Christmas can get a little annoying. Its true and I can relate. Just remember that this holiday that is now about credit card bills and crowded stores was once something magical. We once believed a benevolent jolly fat man came by and with amazing accuracy gave us what we asked for. I remember growing up were Christmas was the only time other than weddings and funerals when the whole family got together. Just remember that Christmas may have stopped being fun when you learned Santa isn’t real, but that first morning your children get so excited they wake up at 5 AM, you’re going to be wearing a groggy smile.

WOW! I don’t ever talk about TV on this blog, but I have to say that last night’s episode of South Park was either pure genius or a sign that the creators need medical help.

I’ll try not to give too much away. I will just say it starts out with some furry talking woodland creatures and goes straight to hell from there. I mean these guys really outdid themselves. I don’t know which is worse…the fact that they made this episode and it got on air or the fact that I laughed the entire time. If you missed this years Christmas episode, you must catch the rerun. It makes talking turds and a 9 year olds hand possessed by Jennifer Lopez look downright wholesome.

With the lights out, it’s less dangerous.


I never gave that line much though until about 5 minutes ago. I think, honestly, it was a statement about the times and I’m sad to say those “times” are back again. We have a Bush in the office, the economy is awful and we are in a war in Iraq. So was Kurt Cobain making a call to arms? Was he using the old rock paradox to point out to us the adage “ignorance is bliss?” Maybe he just though it sounded cool. I’m guessing it likely has more meaning to it. Everything a Pisces does has some meaning to it. I’m not saying we always understand it, but it is usually there.


Maybe he was speaking in broader terms. Maybe he wasn’t saying that ignorance to things like the economy and the war was bliss. Maybe he was saying that the ignorance we all settle into as we get older is bliss. When you’re young, usually you’re passionate and care, on some level, about other people. It doesn’t really take too long for your focus to narrow down to your own wants and your family and your house on a cul-de-sac.

Then again, maybe he was paying homage to the great pacifiers of society. Beer, junk food, candy, porn, television. These will all lull you into a lotus like trance. Even in broader terms, he might have meant the lights. You know... electricity and civilization. If we lost all power, then we wouldn’t be able to blow each other up. We also wouldn’t be under the spell of our leaders or the things they give us to keep us quiet. Maybe he just thought it was cool to mosh in the dark, but I like to think there’s more to it than just that.

I guess I’m not the immediate satisfaction sort of guy. I am more attracted to an interesting girl, then a drop dead beautiful one and I’m more attracted to songs I have to listen too a few times to love. If it has a groovy beat and catchy chorus, I’m probably not going to be into it. That probably explains why I am obsessed with this song.

Does this guy LIVE in a Western or what?

OK, no more USA Clint Eastwood marathons for you tough guy.

So this is Christmas?


That seems to be the sentiment a lot of us are sharing this year. Like any great artist, John touched on the universal themes that make being human so darn frustrating. Now more than ever, the last line of that song seems so fitting. War is over, if you want it. How true is that? War is over in Iraq, yet people are dying like crazy. Why? Because we are there. If the will of the people is to create a giant hotbed for terrorist, then so be it. Let’s turn over the keys.

I have a lot of big dreams for 2005. It seems like 2004 came and went without a peep. It seems like only yesterday everyone was upset about Janet, Miss Jackson if you’re nasty, and her breast. How is this year going out? Who knows? We still have a few weeks left and with any luck they will be quiet ones. Like any wacky tree hugging liberal, I just hope world peace descends on the planet.

That’s it. That’s my Christmas wish to you and everyone else. A little more love and a little less hate. I think that would indeed be the best Christmas ever!

Why are all these companies out to give you a free I-pod? It probably has a lot to do with the fact that they want your contact info. Of course you’ll get an I-pod. Right, sure. Just give us your name, mailing address, bank account and social security number.


Truth is an I-Pod would not do a thing for me. I love the I-Pod and I desperately want one. Yes, even I can fall victim to rampant consumerism. I know an I-Pod wouldn’t make me happy. Hell, I’d never us it. Like most of America, I sit my fat arse in a car or desk most of the day. When I do go to the gym (the one time I might actually use it) I get suckered into the other cultural abyss I try to avoid…television. (I have Ned’s Atomic Dustbin stuck in my head now). “Kill Your Television” would be one of the 7 million songs I would put in my I-Pod.

I can think of a thousand scenarios were an I-Pod would be handy, but they're mostly in other people’s lives. My friends who were brave enough to move to New York and Seattle could probably use one while riding mass transit. My mom could probably use one in Australia. Maybe I’m ignorant, but I’m guessing she gets about as much contact with new music as Cat Stevens has with bacon. The I-Pod sounds good in theory just as buying a house, getting married and having lots of kids. The good news is I could always borrow one of the kid’s I-Pods.

Did I just do a blog entry about I-Pods? I need to get out more.

It is 4:57 and it is getting dark already. We are one week out from the shortest day of the year and my heart really goes out to you folks in colder and darker climates. I’m having trouble adjusting to the fact it will be 28 degrees tonight and in 15 minutes it will be dark. If I lived anywhere other than Florida, I would probably suffer from seasonal affective disorder.

1. Of all the bands/artists in your cd/record collection, which one do you own the most albums by?

REM

2. What was the last song you listened to (voluntarily)?

”All Falls Down” Kanye West

3. What's on your CD player right now?
200 MP3s

4. What song would you say sums you up?

”The State That I Am In” by Belle and Sebastian.

5.What's your favorite local band?

It was “Just Puppets” many moons ago. Now it is “Gordon Shumway” should we ever play together again.

6. What was the last show you attended?

REM at the Gwinnett Civic Center.

7. What was the greatest show you've ever been to?

I saw Weezer before their “comeback” when the stadium was full off old school fans who sang along. The Get Up Kids opened for them.

8. What's the sh!tt!est band you've ever seen in concert?

Third Eye Blind. The lead singer was out of it and spent 30 minutes explaining that their big hit was about drugs. Whooopieee

9. What band do you love musically but hate the members of?

Probably Tupac. He was a voice for the streets, but not a good person.

10. What's the most musically involved you have been?

Middle school band I played trumpet and French horn. Piano lessons. Played trumpet in “Skashmere and the Funkaholics” during those three weeks in 1997 when swing made trumpet players cool again. Currently the bass/accordion/ keytar player for “Gordon Shumway”

11. What show are you looking forward to?

Seeing Belle and Sebastian or David Gray live.

12. What is your favorite band t-shirt?
I had a “Throwing Copper” tee shirt from Live back in the day that I wore out.

13. What musician would you like to hang out with for a day?

Stuart Murdoch. He won out because Rivers Cuomo, Michael Stipe and Morrisey all seem larger than life and would get on my nerves.

14. What musician would you like to hump for a day?

What kind of question is this? Who was that bass player for “Hole”? She was hot.

15. Metal question - jeans and Leather vs. Cracker Jack clothes?

Tar and feather

16. Sabbath or solo Ozzy?

Ozzy on TV trying to remember his wife’s name

17. Commodores or solo Lionel Ritchie?

Hello, is it me you’re looking for. Lionel

18. Blackjack or solo Michael Bolton?

no talent a$$ clowns all around

19. Does Primus suck?

Yes, because they say they do and that is good enough for me.

21. Did you know that filling out this survey makes you a music geek?

I was a geek long before you sent this survey

22. What was the greatest decade for music?

For my tastes, the 90s. Yes, that point can be heavily argued since more influential artists live din other decades, but I’m proud to say I came of age when Snow and the Butthole Surfers could share a chart position.
23. How many music related videos/DVDs do you own?

one, thanks Am

24. Do you like Journey?
I usually like to travel

25. Don't try to pretend you don't!

No really, let’s load the car.

26. What is your favorite movie soundtrack?

I probably know more of “The Nightmare Before Christmas” than I care to admit. I guess I just did.

I LIKE BIG BUTTS AND I CAN NOT LIE!


Now that I have your attention. No, this isn’t some ode to the glutinous gluteus. I was just trying to get your attention. Truthfully, the weekend was bland. I shaved off my beard which garnered zero reaction from anyone. Cellophane, Mr. Cellophane! Speaking of show tunes, I need to learn how to use this “coming off as gay” thing to my advantage. Real genuine gay men are always surrounded by beautiful women. How do they do it?


Well as today progresses I’ll come up with some point. I watched “Supersize Me” twice already in one week of ownership. It has become my religion. Fast-food is the devil and I am the passionately converted. I also biked on my day off an insane amount. I spent most of the day on wheels.

Fat bottom girls you make the rocking world go ‘round.


Get on your bikes and ride.

This blog needs MORE COWBELL!!

Look at the stars. Look how they shine for you.

Christmas is shaping up to be hard this year. There is a lot going on in my family. I certainly can not complain, because my own life is going just fine. There has been a lot going on with everyone else. This is also the first Christmas without Grandma. In 2000, I lost my other Grandma 2 days before Christmas. I got the call she was going into surgery and by the time my dad and I got on the road, I think we both knew we would never see her alive again. That was hard.

The strange part is I think both their deaths book ended a stretch of bad times for me personally. It seems like the only BS free relationships I ever had were with my Grandmas. They always had good advice, unconditional love and a voice of reason. I can not say I have gotten those things from my parents, fiends or other relatives. My Grandmas always served it straight. That might explain why I feel like a bit of a holiday refugee. I really feel like a part of me is missing this year.

I may decide to spend it volunteering somewhere. I thought about the homeless shelter. Then again, my Grandfather is the last remaining member of that generation and I really feel like I should spend as much time as I can with him. Honestly, I just feel like no matter what I do, nothing is going to quite feel like “home.” I’m really lucky to have lots of offers on how to spend the holidays, but I’d be lying if I didn’t say a big part of me wants to spend the time with two of my favorite people.

As I sit here in a very wrinkled “wrinkle-free” shirt, it occurred to me that I have zero clue how to iron. I have tried it time and again and it is a skill I lack. Even the neatest guys I know can not master this craft. Maybe gay men have it, or just have the common sense to get their shirts professionally done. I suppose women just keep us around to open jars. There are just some subtle differences between the genders.

So here is what it took me 28 years to figure out. I hope your sitting, because this is so ungroundbreaking, it is groundbreaking. You decide how to shape the world around you. I know, it sounds sort of Matrix-esque and in a way it is. I’ve spent much of my life worrying about the future and dwelling on the past. The problem is try as we might, existence is pretty linear and the part we have the most control over is the present. Sure, it is shaped by the past and will shape the future, but the only guaranteed thing you have is the NOW.


So now that I covered the whole existential existence thing in one paragraph, I will attempt to tell you the key to happiness. Decide to be happy. It is so true. I spent most of my young life depressed. At first, it was just because the opposite of depressed looked kid of dorky. All the kids I looked up to smoked, wore black and listened to Nine Inch Nails. So it looked cool. Eventually, I spent enough time pretending to be unhappy that I eventually became unhappy.


So here is the rub, so to speak. You have to just decide you’re going to be happy no matter what. I know someone right now who is getting chemotherapy and this person ranks among the happiest I have ever known. I also know quite a few people that have no legitimate problems and they manage to remain miserable. So you choose your team. Sometimes, you’ll play for both in the same day, but honestly the level of contentment and happiness you find in life is in the hands of one person and that person is you. You can take the ball and run with it or sit on the sidelines and complain.

I promise I will never use a sports analogy again. Just understand that the neurotic melancholy I write about on my blog is very real. I feel it, acknowledge it and live fully in that moment. Then I pick up from there and enjoy my life. 96% of the time I’m content, happy and well adjusted. It just seems the other 4% motivates me to write. Have a great weekend and remember a smile is only cheesy if you go dow…never mind.

So I was on the noon news. At work, we volunteer each year to ring the bell for the Salvation Army. This year, the local Fox affiliate just happened to be doing a story on the ban in Target stores. I was in the background on their noon broadcast ringing a bell in front of Publix for the Salvation Army. Pretty cool. I’ll never see the footage, but I think I’m happier not knowing what I looked like on camera.

Not that I needed another reason to hate star Jones.

God bless Mary Kate and Ashley for taking a stand.

everybody here's got somebody to lean on.

What is going on? I swear the world gets more heartless everyday.

I guess this sucks for you Taurus and Gemini people.

I’m broadcasting live form the belly of the creature we call self doubt. Why do some many of us struggle with it and where did it come from?

I guess I’m lucky to live in a world where someone with a laundry list of learning disabilities and the handwriting of a crackwhore with Carpal Tunnel Syndrome can use technology to write. True, spell check doesn’t catch everything, but believe me if this was by written by hand and unchecked by Microsoft Word, it would barely be readable. Maybe it is unreadable. The important thing is I don’t know or care much. If you don’t like my blog, then keep surfing.

Anyway, what was my point? Oh yes, self doubt is a beotch. So much of our lives are surrendered to it and 99.999% of the time we take the path of least resistance. It is easier to be lonely than rejected. It is easier to think ‘what if” then to do the prereqs and apply to medical school. It is easier to write in a blog than to organize yourself and complete a book. I’ve been feeding this thing for quite awhile and if I invested the time and energy I put into this, I could have written the great American novel by now.


But I didn’t and I will not. See, that is a perfect example of why I never will. Syntax, grammar, spelling. These are the tools of the almost rans and nearly was. It seems like my teachers and professors spent so much time telling me how bad I liked to bastardize the English language that they made me forget I had a passion for it and perhaps, in my own mutated way, a certain level of writing ability. I’m not trying to toot my own horn and say I am a great writer. I do, however, fully recognize I would have nothing to lose in actually composing a novel. I certainly have the imagination and the grammar and syntax can be bought.

The only problem is this blog is free. It requires no improvements. It stands on it’s own. It never rejects me or calls for a revision.

And a rock feels no pain and an island never cries.

As much meat as I might eat, there are three things in the world I will never be part of. The first is fur. Not that I would wear fur, because its kinda gay (not that there is anything wrong with that) but the whole practice of trapping and wearing a dead animal is jacked up. I guess the argument could be made for leather too, but honestly the meat industry slaughters cows all the time and leather is just a by-product. Plus I have seen cows close up and honestly they aren’t that cute. In a world where looks are important, give me something furry and cute any day of the week.


In my life I have had one lobster. I was about 5. My sister was dating a guy from Maine and when he came back from a visit, he brought her some lobster. She cooked them the way you are suppose to. We both started crying when the lobster made some awful noises. Supposedly, the noises are a result of air rushing through the lobster, but I’m sorry that was a scream for sure. So we both cried the entire time the lobster cooked and for some reason she made me eat it. I decided after that at all costs, I would never have a lobster burnt to death for a meal. Unfortunately there is no sign of a lobster liberation movement on the web. We should start breaking them out of those tanks and taking them to Maine. My brief career in marine Biology did teach me that freeing them in Florida would just kill them.


Then there is veal. I’m sure you know why it is evil, so I’ll spare you. Some day I’ll become conscious again and stop eating meat. For now, all the denial in the world doesn’t allow me to support these three practices which are pointless, cruel and just downright stupid. I guess I’m on my way to enlightenment.

I don’t tend to keep up on celebrities, but I have noticed that Billie Joe from Green Day has lost a lot of weight. I’m more just curious how he did it, especially since he is clean now. It’s easy to do with coke and heroin. I’m wondering if it is some new diet regime or just a greater part of his lifestyle change. He went from portly to pixie almost over night.


Before


After




In our weight obsessed society, I would have expected him to go on Dr. Phil by now.

Indiana wants me, Lord I can't go back there.

What is it about human nature that makes us want to move? My forefathers left Fairmont, Indiana. Now my Cousin lives in Connecticut, My uncle in South Carolina (by way of New York, Atlanta, Hartford and New Orleans) my Grandma and Grandpa are buried in Dunedin Florida, my Mom lives in Australia and my brother lives in Wisconsin, while myself, my sister and my other brother all live here in North Florida. My point is, none of us lives in the homeland anymore. So what is it that makes us want to move?

It makes you wonder if this snippet from Star Wars had more than one meaning.

Luke Skywalker:There's nothing to see. I used to live here you know.
Han Solo:You're gonna die here you know

Most of us don’t leave the place we were born. I’m not saying it is good or bad, it just is.

Here is the twist to that story CNN failed to mention and I had not heard. The boys this lady ran over were black. See, I live in a place where race is still a big motivator for a lot of people’s actions. I’m quite sure now that I know this part, that the last thing that lady mumbled was not “f-ing teenagers”, but was more likely “f-ing N-ers”. Sorry for the dashes, but you get the point. I’m not about to use that word because it turns my stomach. Sadly, as digested as I am by the “n word” I have caught myself using it once or twice either referencing a hip hop song or calling friends “my n-ers.’ I think that is a big reason why the hip hop culture has used the name so much and so often. They wanted to take control of the phrase and take away some of the sting. The problem is, here in the South, it still has most of its venom. I can not tell you how many times I’ve been amongst other white people and they have dropped that word into conversation. Immediately I feel sick to my stomach. It makes me not only lose a lot of respect for you (because you sound like white trash) but it also makes me realize that, like it or not, you are a racist. So God, that crazy lady and I are certain that she probably used that word before she chased down and ran over those kids. To do something like that because you're crazy is bad enough, to do it because you are racist is purely evil. To do it because you are both is no excuse.

For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction. Part of functioning in society is being able to respond accordingly and play by the rules. There is never a reason to attack a child. There certainly is no reason to run anyone over because they pissed you off. I hope we finally live in a world were a hate crime gets recognized for what it is, even in the South. Lastly, I hope beyond hope that this woman rots in jail and does not become some hero for the other bigots.

I mean come on, we all want to run down teenage punks form time to time.
Seriously, this is so sad. If the story is true as it is being told n the media, these kids accidentally hit this lady’s car, caused no damage and even apologized to her. I would be thrilled just to hear a teenager say “I am sorry” once. Then this lady, who has a history of mental problems, chases them down and hits them. How insane is that? Just blocks form my house. I’m telling you, things are going to hell in a hand basket quickly.

Um, uh huh, um, uh huh…. nights like this.

Nothing like a little Avril stuck in your head. It is actually rather annoying. So it is on Saturday nights like this that I have to stop and evaluate my life. I’m still relatively young and healthy. I like to think I’m not ugly. So why then am I home?

As sad as it is, being home on Saturday and being online drives me nuts. I’m not a homebody by any means and worse yet, I usually unplug after work and avoid the computer after hours. So here I sit thinking about what else I could be doing. It’s actually creeping me out. My life could have skewed in so many directions.


1994- Left a full scholarship in Miami because I hated the city and was home sick.

1995-Began taking English classes, drifting away from the Biology degree I was getting at JU.

1996-Transferred to Flagler and worked on English and Broadcasting. Said goodbye to Biology and spent way too much time with the theatre kids.

1998-Graduated with English/Com. degree. Moved to Atlanta and got a job working with computers because the CNN dream quickly fell through.

1999-Homesick again and hating the big city. Moved home and landed nighttime DJ gig at Planet Radio.Did that from 1 AM to dawn and the day job as long as humanly possible. By day I had a job doing what I did as a work-study in college. Little did I know I would be stuck doing just that until 2001.

2000-Got offered a job in Seattle. Didn’t go because I didn't want to leave my Mom and Grandma.

2001- I was hired to teach high school. Shortly there after I was fired and went back to doing what I did as a work-study in college that under no circumstances did I want to do professionally. That was of course after losing just about every ounce of financial stability I had being unemployed for months. Yes, I know people had it much worse after 9-11, but it was no picnic for me either.

2002-Almost got married twice. To the same girl… don’t worry. By late summer Mom moved to Australia for good. Relationship ended.Almost moved to Seattle again, but I started taking masters classes.

2004- Grandma moved away and then shortly there after passed away from cancer. I was the lone member of my family still living in this town. I'm working on a masters in something I’m sort of kind of sure I might not totally hate doing. Still single.

So I could be a marine biologist in Miami. I could have stuck with the DJ thing by night and eventually broken through. Teaching could have worked out (did I mention I loved it?). I could have moved to Seattle either time and I could be drinking coffee and watching it rain right now. I could also be married and tending to the little ones in suburbia. I could be here, typing this, on Saturday night.


As the Beatles said:“There’s nowhere you can be that isn’t where you’re suppose to be. IT'S EASY!"

The other night, one of my old friends pointed out to me that no matter what we do now, we are not cool. There is a certain liberty to that.I never much cared about being cool since I have been a dork from day 1. Of course, I started looking through a record club website today and I realized I like some awful music. Yes, I’m coming clean. I have “Death Cab for Cutie’ and “Interpol” and “The Libertines” in my CD collection. That doesn’t make me cool. It probably makes me an old poser.

So with 29 coming up quicker than I care to admit, I want to come clean. I like some “Hootie and the Blowfish” tunes. Heck, I even like the “Gin Blossoms.” Of course, I hated them both when I was young and still relatively “hip.” I’ve just noticed lately that I’m peaking at their greatest hits collection a little too closely. Heck, I might as well admit to liking “Cat Stevens” and “The Cardigans.” There, I feel much better now. I’m no longer trying to keep up with you hipsters.

Da da da da da…I’m hurling it!

Thanks to Morgan Spurlock, I have avoided McDonalds like bunny rabbits avoid Glen Close. I start most mornings off with a bagel with vegetarian mock sausage. I’m sure low carb enthusiasts would argue that isn’t healthy. Trust me when I tell you that it is MUCH better than what I use to eat. Today, I got a reminder since I went to McDonalds for the first time in I don’t know how long.

(Warning, this isn’t pretty) I only write this because A) I want to catalogue for myself what the experience was like and B) I want to enlighten folks who eat fast food on a regular basis. For the record, I have avoided fast food all together the last few months.* I have had Subway once or twice, but that is about it. That is a far cry from being a regular fast food patron. At one point, I ate it several times a day.

Getting up at 6, I didn’t feel like cooking (IE toasting and nuking) so I hit the Golden Arches. I noticed as I got close to the drive-in window that there is a distinct smell to the place. I think you have to get “clean” to really notice it. I did make sure to get Diet Coke, so I was not totally racked with guilt for eating this crap. Well, from start to finish the meal was gross. It lacked any taste (other than the chemical one they add).Once I was done with the breakfast burrito and hash brown, I felt like I had eaten plastic. I really felt like my body was digesting a foreign substance. Then came the after taste, which I can only compare to how your mouth tastes in the morning following a night of heavy drinking.

Gross, I know. I just speak as a former fast food enthusiast. I want everyone to know that if you get this junk out of your system, you will be surprised by how ready willing and able you are to never want or need to put it in your mouth again. I can not say I’m never going to eat McDonalds again. I do remember one drive through Arizona were a lone McDonalds was the only restaurant I passed in nearly 8 hours of driving. So there may come a situation like that. What I can promise is I will never seek one out.

*Mostly for health reasons, but also because places like Taco Bell need to be boycotted for the way they treat their workers and other unfair practices.

I don’t feel like I need Jesus anymore. That was hard to write, but I suspect he would approve, because he knows what I am saying. The healthiest relationships are always the ones where you want to be with someone and not a situation where you desperately need to be with them to fill some empty void. It took me a while to come to that point, because I was raised in a society and among family members that will tell you you are pretty much going to hell without the church.

Growing up around that and ultimately ending up among the mother of all hypocritical religions (Roman Catholicism?) it took a while to find peace. The thing is I looked for peace in a lot of the wrong places, with cathedrals and shrines toping the list. Something tells me that wasn’t what Jesus was talking about. Take a look at the New Testament sometime. Unless of course you are Catholic, then you’ll probably need to go to the library to get your hands on an actual Bible.

When you open it up, you’ll see that Jesus spoke out wholly and rightly against the Pharisees and their practices. Read about them and names like Swaggert and the pope will come to mind. This wasn’t what Christianity was about. Jesus wanted to be a living witness to what your life should be like. We healed the sick, fed the hungry and stood up to the injustice that surrounded him. That is the Jesus I believe in.

I don’t, however, side with the “Christians” that love to dress up on Sunday and go to church and applaud each other for being so pious, only to go home and look at internet porn or beat their kids senseless. My brothers in Christ are doing Gods work. The funny thing is most of them don’t even realize who they are working for. So the way I see it, you have a choice. You can be like Bill Gates and be a proclaimed atheist, but give nearly half your income to charitable works or you can get dressed up on Sunday and drop $5 in the collection plate.

I have come to a place were I believe good works will be smiled on much more by God then hypocrisy. I always hear fundamental Christians say “only through Jesus can you be saved.” That is the truth. By his example, you can be saved. Doing bad things and then asking for forgiveness will not get you into heaven. Would love for you to show me where that is in the Bible. It’s OK, I’ll wait…right, see it isn’t in there. Jesus was setting an example, not giving you a get out of jail free card.

So when I meet the same ending we're all going to meet, I’m happy to say I don’t fear it anymore. The most effective tool towards keeping the masses in check is fear. The way I look at it, when I die, Jesus will tell me I did his work. Worse case scenario, I’ll just find emptiness and darkness, but at least I left the world a better place. I doubt very seriously I’ll be met with a bouncer at the pearly gates with an abacus checking off how many Sundays I came to church. Who is better, the man who is good with a hope of reward in the afterlife, or the one who is good because he knows in his heart that is the right way to live?

I have trouble believeing Hitler (A Christian) is in heaven and Ghandi and my grandma are in hell, but maybe that is just me.

“Empty prayer, empty mouths, talk about the passion”

Can men and women be friends without the relationship issue coming up? I use to believe it was possible. Maybe I tell myself that because I have female friends. What changes when you have history with a friend of the opposite sex? I’ve been lucky that most of my break ups in life have been clean and we left on friendly terms. I have remained friends with my exs (in the sense we might exchange Christmas cards or have a drink when our paths cross) and I have found that for the most part this formula works. What then do you do when there is still “something” left?

I guess as people we are amazingly selfish. We only tend to see the world from our own standpoint and color it accordingly with our feelings. Instead of stepping outside of our own perspective, we just expect the world to conform to what we want or think we want. How wrong is it to do that? Who knows? Our perspective and self actualization is what makes us unique. I would argue it is a cornerstone to being “human.”

Problems tend to come when two people see the exact same situation from completely different perspectives and absolutely refuse to step outside of that view. Let us say, hypothetically, you have a couple. The girl was controlling and cruel and used the guy’s sensitive and caring nature to take advantage of nearly everything about him. So one day, he gathered the courage to extract himself from the bad relationship knowing full well it would hurt him immensely and definitely hurt her just as much. The guy doesn’t like hurting people, but he knows it is right to end the very dysfunctional relationship.

Two years go by and the girl realizes that she actually loved said guy and thinks she may have let a fantastic man drift out of her life. In the meantime she worked her relationship issues out on a couple of failed attempts to move on. Now with a few more experiences she hopes maybe the guy has forgiven her horrible treatment and maybe he would be interested in having another go. The guy has spent the last two years getting his head straight and staying away from another bad relationship. So she takes a chance and tells the guy how she feels.

He just wants to be friends and he was outstandingly honest about this, but she takes a chance and admits she wants more. Much, much more. So the guy has to decide if he should once again do what he knows is right and walk away. He doesn’t want to cut off communication completely nor does he want to be anything but kind to the girl who has been through so much. He just knows if he does not make a clean break, neither of them will ever heal. So, he takes a deep breath and remembers the words of our president.

"There's an old saying in Tennessee — I know it's in Texas, probably in Tennessee — that says, fool me once, shame on — shame on you. Fool me — you can't get fooled again." —George W. Bush, Nashville, Tenn., Sept. 17, 2002

Life is strange. I really truly have some serious loner tendencies. The strange part is I am also incredibly social. Sometimes to the point we’re I get overbooked. I think I’m just easy company, because I am really easy going and when I do complain about something, it is usually in a humorous way. Lately though, I’m starting to really feel like I may be too apathetic about the whole quest for human companionship. I’ve always easily made friends at work or school. I’m just not too good about motivating myself to get out and try new things and make an effort to meet new people.


I guess I need to find something I feel passionate about and pursue that. The times I have tried to hang around the counter culture kids (who probably share a lot of my world views) I feel like an outsider. Who can blame them really? I’m sure I would look at some older guy who dresses more conservative than me funny. I think I am a homeless child now, because most of the people in their late 20s in my town have kids in freaking middle school. I don’t exaggerate. I need to move.

Seriously.

Now.

I have long argued that “The Big Lebowski” holds some higher meaning. You have no doubt heard about “The Tao of Pooh.” I bring you the wisdom of Lebowski. Sorry for the language, but as his dudeness once said when asked “do you have to use so many cuss words?
The fuck you talkin' 'bout?

Taoism tells us….
the way of man's cooperation with the course or trend of the natural world, whose principles we discover in the flow patterns of water, gas, an fire, which are subsequently memorialized or sculptured in those of stone and wood, and, later, in many forms of human art. What they had to say is of immense importance for our own times when in the +20th century, we are realizing that our efforts to rule nature by technical force and "straighten it out" may have the most disastrous results." (From "Tao - The Watercourse Way", Pantheon Books, 1975, xiv).

The Big Lebowski teaches…


This aggression will not stand, man.


Fortunately, I'm adhering to a pretty strict, uh, drug, uh, regimen to keep my mind, you know, uh, limber.

Your Like a child, a child who wanders into the middle of movie, and wants to know what is going on you have no fame of reference Your out of your element.

1)Forget about the fucking toe! 3) Excuse me, sir, but could you keep your voice down? This is a family restaurant. 1)Oh please, dear. For your information, lady, the supreme court has roundly rejected prior restraint. 2)This is not a first amendment thing. 3)Sir, if you don't calm down I'm going to have to ask you to leave. 1)Lady, I got buddies who died face down in the mud so you and I could enjoy this family restaurant. 2)Alright I'm outta here. 1)Dude, don't go away man. This affects all of us. There are basic freedoms! I'm staying. I'm finishing my coffee. Enjoying my coffee.


Taoism says…
"Taoism is not a religion, nor a philosophy. It is a "Way" of life. [...] The Tao is the natural order of things." (From the site http://www.crystalinks.com/taoism.html)

The Big Lebowski teaches…

The dude abides.
Life does not stop and start at your convenience, you miserable PIECE OF SHIT!
Fuck it Dude, lt's go bowling.

Taoism tells us…


Daodejing doesn't translate into "The Way of Virtue", you know.
Te means "virtue" as in something's manifestations. Like the Te of a rock is that it is hard. It being hard is "by virtue of" it being a rock.
The Dude tells us…

1) Is it being prepared to do the right thing, whatever the cost? Isn't that what makes a man? 2) Sure, that and a pair of testicles.

Taoism tells us…

Tao means "the way" as in an abbreviation for "The Way Things Are".
A better translation for Daodejing than "The Way of Virtue", I think, would be "The Way Things Are, and Its Consequences".

The big Lebowski teaches us about consequences…

He’s a sex offender, with a record. He did six months in Chino for exposing himself to an eight-year-old. When he moved to Hollywood he had to go door-to-door to tell everyone he was a pederast.

This is what happens when you fuck a stranger in the ass




Taoism tells us…
"Contrary to what many modern translations of the Tao Te Ching purport, Taoism is not an esoteric, New Aged, and mysterious eastern philosophy founded upon the principles of the other major world religions. It in no way resembles Judaism, Christianity or Buddhism, and does espouse the idea that people should love each other unconditionally." (Abstract from Newsletter issued by the Center for Traditional Taoist Studies, Boston, Massachusetts
http://www.tao.org ).
The Big Lebowski teaches…
Say what you will about the tenets of national socialism, but at least it's an ethos.


1.) And, you know, he's got emotional problems, man. 2.) You mean... beyond pacifism?

Nobody fuck with Jesus...Jesus will fuck you up.

There’s something about misplaced self esteem that bothers me. I guess I project my own issues on other people and hope they follow suite. It just seems lately I have seen a lot of folks (mostly women) that are a little TOO comfortable with their bodies. Yes, it makes me feel like a jerk to think like this because I firmly believe everyone is wonderful and we should all be proud of who we are. I certainly would never say anything to anyone and inside I might even think “you go girl.” Yet, some of these people have to have friends and family that care about them enough to tell them the look isn't working. So seriously, if you have rolls of fat, maybe the low rider jeans and the half spaghetti strapped top isn’t the right look for you. It is mean to say, but darn it, life is mean. I’m not buffed, but I also know enough not to walk around in a muscle shirt.