Tomorrow is the Halloween. I’ll spare the usual lecture on “what do our holidays mean.” The next day is “All Saints Day”, so you figure it out. Here’s a hint, it has nothing to do with the brit-pop outfit.


So thanks to some hurricane damage and unused vacation time, I am and continue to be off the radar. The hard part of that is it leaves lots of time for self reflection. I already do too much of it and often it ends up on the blog. Without work, the mind wanders. I saw “The Neverending Story” on cable this morning. I watched a little of the film, but some things are just better remembered the way you saw them when you were 8. So I turned it off. It did, however, get me thinking about the kid in the film. Apparently he got out of show business, but as I was looking him up, I discovered Jonathan Brandis was in the sequel. He rang a bell because he is my age and he also use to have a radio “drop” on my college station. Turns out he committed suicide in 2003.

Seeing that got me thinking about how elusive happiness really is. This guy was making a living doing, presumably, what he loves. I’m sure he had no problem meeting women since he was considered a “heart throb.” Yet one day he woke up and said “f--- it.” Scary stuff. So it got me wondering what gives life meaning? Perhaps I am getting depressed, because many of the things I use to refer to in sentences starting with “I’d be happy if…” aren’t really motivating me these days.

Don’t worry, I’m not suicidal. Worse case scenario, I’d opt for the slow option and just start smoking again. Suicide for the weak willed. Maybe I’ll get a facial tattoo and a bar through my nose so people will know to just leave me the hell alone. I’ll have to move somewhere other than the south I’m sure. I guess these days my thoughts are less occupied by trivial crap like what new movie is coming out or who J-Lo is married to this week. These things never captured my attention much, but lately I’ve noticed time is moving exponentially and now that I have a few days to actually sit back and give it some thought, I’m staring into an abyss that I can not even begin to descend. I can not even find a rock big enough to hook my safety line too.

Maybe I’m just the type of person who needs faith in their life. Otherwise it all seems sort of pointless. I can not wrap my brain around eternity like I once did, especially at the prospect of spending it with the guys from Creed. Of course, the Insane Clown Posse will probably be in hell, so that is a close call. I guess I’m afraid to fully open myself to any one individual or any organization, because inevitably they disappoint. The fallacy of man will always stand in the doorway of truth’s castle. I suspect I’m too ignorant to understand the universal truths and too smart to ignore them. I’m a C student in the school of life.

It is hard to believe it has been two years.


Just after midnight on Wednesday the world lost another young man before his time. To try and understand death seems fruitless. I know it is the ultimate destination for everything. It doesn’t make anyone’s death any less tragic though.


this is the place
you'll end up when
you lose the chase
where you’re dragged against your will
from a basement on the hill

Shortly after I started dating my girlfriend, two of her friends got married on the beach. They had to plan the wedding quickly, because the groom had cancer and hospitals are not able to communicate much to someone’s girlfriend the way they can someone’s wife. I remember that day vividly and I remember how happy they both were. He was smiling and joking and full of energy. Since that day, he has deteriorated. He went from looking ill, to looking gaunt to having to remain in bed most of the time.

The weekend before last, he had his 25th birthday. I would say over 50 people showed up for the event. I thought it was one of the most beautiful testaments to his young life. Most of us never get to see how many lives we touch. While the party was hard for him and you could tell it took every ounce of will he had to be there, much less to sit up in his wheelchair. He spent the day looking genuinely happy and despite it all smiling like he did on his wedding day.

Today his heartbeat has slowed down and the family is gathering to say goodbye. He’s 25 years old and dying of cancer. I would never share anyone’s name in a public forum, but I did want to share this story. Life is incredibly precious. Never waste the opportunity to tell someone how much you love them and remember when your are having a bad day, there are others who have been handed far worse that face this adversity with smiles and kindness and a positive attitude. I can not even begin to imagine what his parents, siblings and young widow will be up against in the weeks to come. I don’t know that there is anything I can do or say or offer to ease their pain. I can only give my thoughts and prayers.

I’m not “pro-abortion.” I certainly advocate it as a last resort. As far as conservatives go, I’m sure they think Liberal hussies go around having sex with anyone they can get their hands on and then when they get pregnant they go have an abortion. To most of us that sounds ridiculous and it IS. No woman would ever go through the emotional and physical turmoil that this decision brings unless she was absolutely left with no other option. So, why then does the right wing want to take away the right to choose? Isn’t Christianity based on free will and ultimate judgment? Judgment from God and not man kind.

Well is appears Bush is once again trying to sneak one past us.

It is funny to see someone who probably has never had contact with the opposite sex having such a strong feeling on this issue. Anyway, if this woman is confirmed, you can rest assured the effort to dismantle Roe vs. Wade will go into double time.

I’m neurotic, but rarely do I succumb to mass paranoia. When SARS was all over the news, I told people to relax, it is under control. This time around, I can not even begin to pretend the bird flu isn’t an epidemic waiting to happen. Yes, we probably could use a little population control. A “survival of the fittest” so that those who make it out the other end will have proven themselves. That’s all well and good, but I’m scared I might not make it. In fact, I was born with several heart defects and if I go to the dentist, I have to get antibiotics. See where I’m going? If it becomes the full blown worse case scenario epidemic some folks are predicting, I’m screwed.

Sure, I’d like to think the governments have it under control (see also WMDs, Katrina and the deficit). Truth be told if this old rock is about to cleanse itself, I’ll be waste deep in packs of Marlboro reds and bottles of whatever hard liquor I can find for myself. Seriously, why worry about anything at this point? It probably will be some plague that wipes us all out. Earth, God or some balancing aspect of nature has decided it’s our turn for retribution. It doesn’t take a genius to look around and see how very poised we are to self destruct.

Global warming anyone?

You do the math. She has a visible bump. That means that she has been pregnant for months. The whole thing is crazy and I feel really bad for her family the most. Their daughter not only got engaged to a nut and converted to Lientology, but she apparently got pregnant nice and early in the relationship. She’s really stuck now.

Where it's at?!?!
I always wondered what Sceintology was all about, since everyone in Hollywood seems to be following it. Then I saw this. Yes, it is apparently what they believe.

I just got one of those dumb alumni update things that tell you more than you want to know about people you have forgotten. What amazes me is the government looses thousands of criminals every year, but my high school manages to find me despite my best efforts to avoid the place. Anyway, the newsletter got me thinking that here in a few days; it will be 11 years since my senior homecoming.

The amazing part is that the night is as vivid as last week. I remember pilling into my friend Jesse’s station wagon; you know the old kind where the last seat faces backwards. I remember waiting to get dinner at an awful German restaurant. Really, who eats German? I remember getting to the dance late and I remember Jesse popping Seal’s “Crazy’ into the tape deck. Presumably as a joke since the song was both already old by then and he received massive verbal abuse regarding the selection.

The whole time flies reflective mode seems to be tackling me a lot lately. Weird thoughts pop into my head, like for instance 11 years ago I was a senior in high school and 11 years from now I’ll be 40. The worst part is there isn’t jack you can do about it. Accept it or deny it, time will pass.

Lately, it seems like I’ve lost touch with a lot of people. It isn’t a conscious effort; I think our lives just drifted apart. It just seems so weird to me how we evolve and change, yet the past never seems all that far off. The days drag and the years go by in a flash. Time is arbitrary, but we will always be its victim. The first part of life, it graces you with new milestones and opportunities. The day isn’t too far off when we’ll all be counting the things we can not do anymore because we reached a milestone. It seems like just yesterday age meant opportunity. I’m not being negative, just reflective.

I was wondering today if Bono is still up for the nobel.


It seems like they’ve handed a few out, but I’m sure he isn’t nominated for chemistry or physics, the two I know they awarded. I think it would be great if someone like him won because he is high profile and he is one of the few celebrities trying to put Africa and all that is going on there into the spotlight. So many celebrities spend their days at all the right parties trying to get noticed for their car, abs or their latest love interest. Bono doesn’t play that game and even though they aren’t a “religious” band, most of U2s music is lifted right out of the bible.


Bono is one of the few public people leading by example and who really cares if he has the mouth of a sailor? He is doing good or at least trying his best to make the world a better place.If nothing else, he’ll always have that bar-b-que place to fall back on.

Oprah has apparently managed to get at least one sex offender behind bars. She set up a website and a reward program to catch some of the FBI’s most wanted.

In my mind, there is nothing more despicable than a person who would harm a child. What these people do is an abomination so vile, that most of them are tortured in prison by OTHER criminals. What they do to children scars them and fill them with shame every day of their lives. The worst part is, even when they are caught, more often than not they are released back into society and become repeat offenders. Take a second to look at this website and if you live in Florida you can do a search in your neighborhood to see who is living next door.
Just be warned, there are probably more of them out there than most people realize.

I’ve had “Where Is My Mind” by the Pixies stuck in my head for days. It is funny how a song can be completely suited for you at a particular time in your life and then it gets filed away under “songs that remind me of _____.” This song has been on repeat in my head and it got me thinking about “Fight Club.” When the film came out, I’m pretty sure I wanted nothing to do with it. A movie about fighting did not appeal to me at all and in theory, it doesn’t now. What a great film it was. Maybe Chuck Palahniuk will never do another movie. That one would be hard to top. I’ve read a lot of his work and it is all worthy of a screenplay. Of course these days Hollywood would rather make “What’s Happening” the movie instead of using any original material.

As far as pivotal films go, “Fight Club” is up there. In a year of great movies like “Magnolia” and “American Beauty” it was a final hooray for the consumerism of the 20th century. A final nod to the sins of our past as me moved into an enlightened age. How nice would that have been? Instead things seem to have gotten worse. Our roads are chocked full of SUVs and the vast majority of people are crippled by credit card debt. Something tells me the value system of most Americans is completely out of whack. Am I wrong?

With your feet in the air and your head on the ground
Try this trick and spin it, yeah
Your head will collapse
If there's nothing in it
And you'll ask yourself

Where is my mind

I dwell in Possibility--
A fairer House than Prose--
More numerous of Windows--
Superior--for Doors--

Of Chambers as the Cedars--
Impregnable of Eye--
And for an Everlasting Roof
The Gambrels of the Sky--

Of Visitors--the fairest--
For Occupation--This--
The spreading wide my narrow Hands
To gather Paradise--

~reprinted with the permission of Emily Dickinson's ghost.

Ok, I'm starting to wonder if the coincidences mean anything. Just like in "I Heart Huckabees" I seem to be crossing karmic paths with Mike Doughty. I was just reading a friends blog and who should pop up. You guessed it.I also came across the guy on myspace.com. I need an existential detective to work the case. It’s only weird in the sense that I just started listening to Soul Coughing again last month years after losing their CDs.

Matt. 18:1-5 "At that time the disciples came to Jesus and asked, 'Who is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven?' He called a child, whom he put among them, and said, 'Truly I tell you, unless you change and become like children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven. Whoever becomes humble like this child is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven. Whoever welcomes one such child in my name welcomes me.'"

For decades, it seems like this verse has been used to tell people to remain stupid. Of course, it was doubtful that was the intent Jesus had when he said these words. Why then does the modern church see thought as its enemy? Do they honestly believe the devil plants ideas into people’s heads? I don’t know. I do know this much, the people who founded Christianity were thinkers and always up for questioning and examining their beliefs and why they have them and what they intend to do with them. Today, the faithful seem to be humming the old Billy Joel tune “Just the Way You Are.” In so doing, the rest of the world is quickly abandoning their church. So my advice is to start thinking outside the steeple. It seems like most churches (especially the Baptists and Catholics) are so stuck on beliefs that are drilled into them that they never take the time to research or invest their own sweat into figuring out why they believe something. Here is the Pepsi challenge for you. Where in the Bible does it mention a rapture? Or priestly celibacy or gay marriage is a threat to straight people? I’ve never seen it, but then again I read the book with my own eyes.

I think Jesus was both telling us that how we treat the helpless is the truest show of our character. As well, he WAS telling us to be like children. If nothing else, children ask questions. They ask lots of questions and the quickest way to lose credibility with a kid is to answer their heartfelt question with “just because.” Right now that is what the church is doing. Many of us feel a longing to understand our universe or feel a sense of connection to something greater. Unfortunately, that is the most exploited aspect of human nature and a cursory look around quickly shows you that religion has been the ultimate divider throughout history. It seems today the most extreme versions of any faith have the floor and questioning them is taboo. I’d like to think the way the right wing conservatives are taking over this country differs from the Taliban. I guess it does in one way. Our extremists are better armed.

It is funny how sometimes you start talking about someone and they pop back up on the radar. I remember really doing this with Weezer back in 2000 and wondering why such a great band would drop off the face of the earth. Then viola, they’re the toast of the town. Well I’ve been back into Soul Coughing lately and who should pop up at 4 AM on VH-1 but Mike Doughty the former front man for the group. At first, I thought it was a new David Gray song. Of course, I recognized his voice and it was clearly not Davie G, but damn they look similar.


Mike Doughty


David Gray

Finally, a pasta-based pirate religion we can all get behind.

Reason #458,678,978 to hate Florida?

Today I woke up to Tammy. The rain that was pounding on the window so loud it woke me up turned out to be a tropical storm. A tropical storm that was not in existence last night when I went to bed. So those are the breaks here in Florida. People always tell me they wouldn’t live anywhere else because we see our natural disasters coming. HA! Of course this isn’t going to be more than some nasty wind and lots of rain. I just hope the power doesn’t go out, because the entire south has devoted its electric crews to the hurricane ravaged areas. I certainly shouldn’t complain because many people have had it far worse lately. I just worry that this giant barrier island I call home is just a ticking time bomb and our destructive storm is a matter of when and not if. Tammy doesn’t look like she’ll be much more than a nuisance. I just hope she isn’t bringing any of her friends by in the next few weeks. I hear the rest of the country is experiencing something called “fall.” Send a little of that our way would you?