They say 3 famous people always die around the same time. I'm so sorry to see the Pope has now been given his last rites. It has been a sad day all around.

“The universe is shaped exactly like the earth if you go
straight long enough you'll end up where you were”

I would never be naive enough to claim I have a stronghold on morality or the afterlife or hold all the answers on right or wrong. I think that level of arrogance would only serve to anger the God I know. So why then has this Schiavo situation become such a political hot button? I am glad she now has peace and in time that same peace will ascend on her family and friends and all those who are touched by this event.

It does seem funny to me that the same people who preach about forgiveness or fight to keep a vegetative person artificially alive are also the first to throw the switch on someone who may or may not be a criminal. Many times that situation is far less black and white than it should be. So why then can you justify executing a criminal who is clearly a living conscious being but then keep an unanimated shell alive?

As a Christian, I firmly believe in the power and value of the human soul. You can show all the footage you want of someone twitching and blinking, but that does not mean they are alive. It also may not mean they are dead. I don’t know. No one knows. I tend to think God’s will is done in all things. Sure that is easy to say now when life is relatively uncomplicated. Perhaps if I lost a limb or came down with a terminal illness or had to watch my daughter starve to death, I would feel differently. My only hope as that the family will begin the process of healing, loving and forgiving. It is only when we make peace with how truly powerless we are in the universe that we find the calm to endure even its harshest punches.

Rest in peace Terri Schiavo. In death you are once again beautiful and free.

Ah ha.

I’m hear mofos, I am here. Lots of stuff to report if it was my business to report it, but it isn’t, so I will not. Yes, I am a tease. Things in the personal department are going good, despite my usual efforts to shoot myself in the foot. Not to mention it isn’t my place to share something that involves someone else. The blog is about my thoughts and issues and I really only have grounds to share that much…so that is all I will share.


I hope all is well in Readerville. I will have a tasty rant any day now. I think with the Schiavo case we all need to take a deep breath and step back from our political beliefs and try and see the human side to all this. In all likelihood, Terri herself has been “dead” for years. Her parents are going through hell for a second time. I just hope that the way this played out was the most humane scenario possible. I don’t know. If you are honest without yourself, you don’t know either. So please, think before you post a comment about how wrong it is for her to die. If I hear the “God said death is wrong” rant again, I will go insane. God, my friends, meant for this woman to pass away a long time ago. Man came up with the equipment keeping her in a vegetative state.

Funny song lyric in my head today:

Jesus built my car
It’s a love affair
Mainly Jesus and my hot rod

This was a sad story that didn't get a lot of press. This picture is of Nelly and his sister at the press conference announcing her leukemia in 2003. She died today.

All the victims of yesterday's shooting had a story to tell. This was was the saddest I thought. I immediately pictured a young man holding a toddler when I read it.

Derrick Brun, 28

Brun, a school security guard, was remembered as a gentle spirit who loved the kids he guarded at Red Lake High School, his alma mater.

Brun was a former police officer and was taking classes to be an emergency medical technician, said a cousin, Nancy Richards.

"He was just an all-around good guy," she said, adding that he was the type of person who would open his doors to someone who needed a place to stay.

"He was a kind, gentle person," Richards said.

Brun was divorced and had a daughter, Courtney, who died a couple of years ago at the age of 2 1/2 from a medical condition.

"That's the only comfort the family has, is that he's with Courtney now," Richards said.

It sucks when someone who looks like you becomes famous. Since all my friends seem to be in agreement that this guy is my twin, I guess it is only a matter of time before some stranger comes up to me and says "hey, aren't you that gay guy on the "Amazing Race"? Lucky me!

What a shame! This is one of the coolest cities I have ever been too.

I have the solution for the obesity epidemic. Here it is. Make healthy food taste better. If fruits and vegetables tasted like little chocolate doughnuts, we would all look great in no time.

What is this stuff?

I’ve never heard about Ozzy having heart problems, so maybe bat’s blood works as well.

Poor Mrs. Schiavo. If there ever was a motivator for having a living will it is this case. I can understand why her parents are holding on to hope she might get better, but I also see where the humane thing to do is let the poor woman die. What I don’t see is why she is caught in the middle of this highly political debate. If they are going to let this woman die, wouldn’t you think it would be more human to give her an assisted suicide? Instead, the tube gets taken out, she suffers more for a few days then the conservatives work to get it stuck back in and she lives a little longer until the tube gets taken out AGAIN. How about they litigate the case, make a binding decision and then leave the tube n or pull it out. The poor woman does not need to keep starving to the brink of death to be brought back to live again. The truly depressing thing about her story is the fact that her aneurism was triggered by complications from her eating disorder.

That is a sad and sick twist to this tale. This is not a political pawn, but a human being and if the courts are going to be the ones calling the shots about her future, they need to come to a binding consensus and not make her and her family suffer through this process over and over again.Keeping someone alive or letting nature take its course is not playing God. Doing it over and over again for political reasons IS.

I just saw an interesting program on the History Channel about Bible code. It is a couple of years old and predicted conflict with Syria and Lebanon and the United States related to their role in hiding or stock piling weapons. It also said that within the Bible code the end times fall after the death of Arafat. Granted, he was fairly healthy when the program was made. Interesting. It also said earth would either be destroyed by a comet in 2012 or saved by God.

Fascinating fact. I'm wearing white socks with black shoes today and I've had "Billie Jean" stuck in my head since I noticed this. I miss the old Michael Jackson. You remember him right? He was a black man who didn't touch little kids.

Keep on to the bus stop,
Management

“but me I’m not a gamble you can count on me to split
the love I sell you in the evening by the morning won't exist”
~Bright Eyes

I was taking note last night as I was petting a friend’s cat (sorry, not a euphemism) as to how open domesticated animals are. Here is this cat that knows nothing about me other than I came around from time to time. I don’t feed this cat, nor do I live with it. The same could be said of my departed Grandmother’s dog. He is always so happy to see me and when I visit him it is like checking in with an old friend. He lives with my brother now and has a good life. After my Grandma passed away, he walked around looking sad. He genuinely missed her. When we see each other, it is a reminder to us both of the past and the shared affection we had for someone.

So why can domesticate animals love people more than we bother loving each other? It seems like we are the definition of guarded. Perhaps we’ve all been hurt and remain stand offish in self defense. I’m sure I’m guilty of that infraction on multiple counts. Usually a dog has to be beaten and abused time and time again to become withdrawn and untrusting. Ask anyone who has adopted a greyhound and they’ll tell you that as horrible a life as that creature once knew it can open up again and show love. In fact, a greyhound is notoriously good natured and loving.

So maybe the animals are giving us a lesson in how we should behave. Don’t we all want to lose ourselves in the affection of someone else? I’m not suggesting we start sniffing each other’s butts or rubbing up on stranger’s legs. Maybe we shouldn’t assume everyone is out to hurt us. Maybe the reason animals can show affection so openly is they seem to lack this human idea of ownership. Your pet loves you for who you are and loves you without abandon and does not want to change you or manipulate you (except maybe for their favorite treat). We should all take a cue from the animal kingdom. I should take a cue from the animal world. Next time something furry is sitting in your lap, think what a better world this would be if we were this open and loving to each other.

As Jesus said when he was on the cross ‘it is finished!’

Ok, I lie. It isn’t finished, but it is mostly finished. I just turned in a research a paper for my professor. He has been pretty hard on my this semester and the time before when I had him. He says he believes I am capable of more than I do. So he grades me accordingly. I guess all professors will always feel like the class you have with them is your ONLY class. I want to tell him I’m juggling 9 graduate hours in computer science. Yeah folks, it is about as fun as it sounds.

So, the good news is I have only a final left in one other class and then I can put this quarter to bed. I have 2 more courses to complete next quarter, which begins already on the 28th of this month. Neither is anything I am all that excited about, but the worst is definitely over after this round of classes and good Lord willing and the creek don’t rise, I will have a masters degree in June.


(wipes brow)

Then what?

I really don’t know. It seems like life sometimes comes down to these little crossroads where you have to make decisions and what direction you head will predict the rest of your life. It isn’t as simple as Coke versus Pepsi or paper versus plastic.


I’ve also been sort of pulling my hair out waiting for some blood work to come back from the doctor. I spent two weeks calling the place almost daily to get results. Finally today I got them and…drum roll please…my cholesterol is high. Jeez, thanks for the dramatic pause. I thought they were trying to get up the nerve to tell me I was actually a woman or perhaps I had a high metachlorian count and should likely train to be a Jedi.

If time is a vessel, then learning to love
Might be my way back to sea
~Interpol


I sure wish I had the nerve to go to that concert. Interpol is playing in Orlando, but the problem is none of my friends likes Interpol. I would go by myself, but the 2 hour drive late at night and alone doesn’t sound like much fun. I’m going to shake the friend tree again and see what falls out.

So today as I am driving to work I noticed that optical illusion on some phone lines along the road were it looks like a little wave went across the line. When I was a kid, I always thought that was someone talking on the line. A person says something in Miami and it travels the long line to Ohio as a wave. Of course now I know if a message traveled at that speed it would take weeks to get through a couple of pleasant “hellos.” Honestly though, I’m not entirely sure I don’t believe that what I can rationalize as an optical illusion is not actually some little girl's “I love you” to her Grandma on the other side of the country. The laws of physics say otherwise, but I’d sleep better at night believing our sentiments travel in waves along the roadway.

Happy St. Patrick's Day

From the people who brought you poop porn and made Hasselhoff a star. It actually sounds rather good.

I gave myself to sin
I gave myself to providence
And I’ve been there and back again
The state that I am in



So I have been harder to find than a PhD on a K-Mart payroll. Speaking of K-mart I was there yesterday for the first time in years and noticed that the place is as big of a dump as it has always been, but the muzak is phenomenal. I kid you not. I heard some good songs that I have never heard anywhere but in my own CD collection. Maybe there is hope for the Mart after all. Martha Stewart is poised for a comeback as well.


When I opted to take 3 graduate level computer classes, I was pretty sure it would occupy ever second of my day along with my full time job and it certainly has. I’ve never been busier, which has left me out of the loop on a lot of things. It has also turned this blog into something I rarely update and never have much more to say than “this is what is going on in my life.” Generally, it has gotten pretty boring and I haven’t been on my soapbox in a while to get praise or piss people off. I’ll take either, because it means people are reading. So, bare with me another week and my finals and papers will be done and I can go back to being the guy you agree with or the moron you can not stand. I am not, however, turning this site into a boring diary. Sorry if it has turned that way of late. It will always have elements and observations about life and of course the life I am leading is my life, so that will always flavor it.

Beware the ides of March!

OK, gotta rant. I read this and lost what little respect I had for Bruce.

Dude, haven’t you heard of the golden rule?

A true web oddity. A webcam dedicated to watching someone in their grave. Our voyeuristic society has gotten out of hand.

I know you're making
accidents and stars for everyone
you're amazing
half of them won't know until you're gone
~Built to spill

What the hell happened to me?

I’ll tell you what. My job got busy, everyone at work got the flu and I have a 20 page paper, then a 15 page paper and then a final standing between me and happiness. Of course in the meantime I have been super efficient whilst rocking out to KEXP. Yet another reason to love Seattle.

Next time I call in sick, I'm using this message.

I am still living with your ghost
Lonely and dreaming of the west coast

Can your spirit be split between two homes? I like to think so. I felt a very profound and real connection with Seattle the first time I went there. Of course, it was also the first place I ever really went. Before that, my travels were limited to the east and mainly the south. I’ve pretty well made up my mind that these are not places I would ever want to call home. As much as I love my little corner of the universe, I’m surrounded by places I can not stand. Jacksonville is somewhere I can barely bring myself to travel to every day for employment. Unfortunately, unless I want to wait tables, deciding to stay in St. Augustine means I’ll be commuting the 70 mile round trip to Jacksonville every day.

The states around Florida are dumps in the truest since of the word. Take the dental hygiene of 17th century Britain and combine it with a culture fixated on Civil War era politics and you have the situation in most states around this place. Florida itself is only hanging by a thread in my book, because Orlando is hollow and soulless. Miami might as well declare itself a separate country. The Keys are beautiful, but to live there, you have to have at least 3 jobs and every one of them will involve tourists. Tampa and Jacksonville have a long way to go before they are big cities, but they have the traffic and crime of one. The panhandle could break off for all I care. So here, in a very small part of a fairly big state, is what I call home.

Johnny Utah is pushing 40.


So I got the best little worst movie of all time for my birthday. I LVOE “Point Break”! it tries so hard to be serious when it is perhaps the most unintentionally funny movie of all time and then it integrates Keanu’s marginal acting with Taoist principles and surfing slang that takes me right back to high school.

What a great birthday. I had an awesome party and then a few of the few folks that couldn’t make that party met me for dinner last night. So I can not complain. It was really truly one of the better birthdays. I also went for an eye exam and found out I have 20/20 vision. So the doctor who prescribed me the glasses I have always hated apparently wasn’t a good eye doctor. I knew I didn’t need them. Then all the times I have gone to eye doctors, they always ask if you wear glasses and I would say “yes, I have them, but I don’t wear them much.” They would give me the eye exam and then say “just stick with what you have.”

This time I told a little lie and didn’t let this eye doctor know I have ever worn glasses and wanted to be sure I didn’t need them. He ran me through a battery of tests and declared me 20/20. I KNEW IT! So I went home and donated all those terrible useless glasses to the Lion’s Club so low income people who actually NEED glasses can use them.

The weather is beautiful today. A true best of Florida kind of day. In two months, the humidity will be unbearable, so we better enjoy it while we have it.

29 is off with a bang. I'm suffering from insomnia and watching "Muriel's Wedding." It doesn't get much sweeter than that. This is gonna be my year (chuckle chuckle)

Damn right it is back.

I don't want to be one of thsoe people who can not possibly beleive someone they liked would commit suicide. Something about this suicide just doesn't feel right.

"You've never been out of college. You don't know what it's like out there. I've worked in the private sector, they expect results."
-Ghostbusters

Lord Lordy, I’m turning 40. OK, not really. I am turning 29 but damn it feels ancient. I suspect that you’ll never really feel your age. I’ve been about 19 the last 10 years. No, it isn’t a maturity issue, because I get to work, pay my bills and all the novel things adults do. In fact, I don’t even think farting is all that funny anymore. OK, I lie, a well timed fart is always funny. You get my point I hope? Age is just incredibly scary, because it does bring you closer to the unknown.

On the other hand, you also get to let your guard down a little. You don’t have to worry so much about what others think of you. This especially applies to your peers. There was a time we all lived and died by the whims of our friends. I say this as a former trench coat wearing NIN loving outcast. Like it or not, I cared a lot about who I considered to be my friends’ opinions of me. Now, not so much. I’ve been real blessed in this life to have some great friends and a lot of them even know me from a decade ago. We can look back on the past and laugh. You need people like that. Nothing is as much fun as having someone say “remember the time…” and then you laugh until you snort.

So take my advice… use sunscreen.

I think the best advice I can give you as an elder is to be true to yourself. There are lots of things you have control over. You can pick your college, your friends, your spouse, but when it is all said and done, the center core of who you are will always be there. I’m not saying that we are not capable of some amazing change, but you only need to take a cursory look at the people around you to see how very unhappy some of them are. Trying hard to escape from yourself will make you miserable. Just think of the Olsen Twins holding each other’s hair while they hark up lunch. Think of Michael Jackson making himself look like Diana Ross. In the end, you are who you are and all the effort you throw into changing that is usually in vain. So take a deep breath, look in the mirror and appreciate that you are the only you and to quote the newly liberated:

“That is a beautiful thing.”

Here is the first Bright Eyes video off his new album. It seems a little strained with trying to show lots of diversity, but at least the song is a beautiful one and the sentiment is pretty touching, even for someone who normally despises such sappy crap.

I hand the blog over to Connor oberst for a moment.

I know that it is freezing but I think we have to walk
I keep waving at the taxis; they keep turning their lights off
But Julie knows a party at some actor’s west side loft
Supplies are endless in the evening; by the morning they’ll be gone.

When everything gets lonely I can be my own best friend
I get a coffee and the paper; have my own conversations
With the sidewalk and the pigeons and my window reflection
The mask I polish in the evening, by the morning looks like shit.

I know you have a heavy heart; I can feel it when we kiss
So many men much stronger than me have thrown their backs out trying to lift it
But me I’m not gamble you can count on me to split
The love I sell you in the evening, by the morning won’t exist.

You’re looking skinny like a model with your eyes all painted black
You just keep going to the bathroom always say you’ll be right back
Well it takes one to know one, kid, I think you’ve got it bad
But what’s so easy in the evening, by the morning is such a drag.

I’ve got a flask inside my pocket we can share it on the train
If you promise to stay conscious I will try and do the same
We might die from medication, but we sure killed all the pain
But what was normal in the evening, by the morning seems insane.

And I’m not sure what the trouble was that started all of this
The reasons have run away but the feeling never did
It’s not something I would recommend, but it is one way to live
Cause what is simple in the moonlight, by the morning never is
What’s so simple in the moonlight, by the morning is so complicated.
What’s so simple in the moonlight, so simple in the moonlight

Screw it, I guess I’m going to have to blog THIS.

I hate to admit when things get really bad, but writing about it helps a lot.

First off, I don’t want to turn 29 in less than a week. That sucks. The 20s are seriously coming to a close and I’m feeling this desire to do something wild, IE stupid. Tattoo, sky diving, starting smoking again. All seem like great suggestions. Luckily I’m too chicken to do any of these, but believe me the desire is there. I guess I want to prove to myself I’m still alive. Thank god I’m not a cutter.


So last year, on my birthday of all days, my Grandma was admitted into full time care. She went downhill really quickly after that. I guess, at least for a while, this week will always carry a lot more weight than just being the week of my birth.

As if to add insult to injury, Florida is getting hot again. I’m not ready to part with winter, or at least I’d like a real genuine spring to enjoy. I hate spring in this place, because it goes from cold, to pushing 90. Yes, I hate it. I do like the beach, but that is more a conditioned response from growing up in Florida. Winter is introspective and allows you to wear clothes that actually look good, instead of clothes that keep you from stroking out on your walk from the car to the front door. Florida, if you were a woman, you’ be the bipolar drug addicted nutcase that I can not stand and can not bring myself to leave.