I get the news I need from the weather report.


Today is partly cloudy and humid.

I think my laser like focus on what I should be when I grow up is starting to come to fruition. What came up made sense. I have an undergrad in English and a master’s in technology. Why I never really gave Library Science an honest look is anyone’s guess. I love writing and research and I’m always down at the library putting crazy obscure things on reserve. So maybe it is time we make this relationship legal.


I guess like a lot of people my image of a librarian is a mousy woman with glasses and zero social skills. The truth is being able to work with people and utilize many different technologies is essentially these days for librarians.

So going forward, as per usual I will analyze he field to death before I commit, but of all the great ideas I have had in life, this one looks very “doable” for me right now.

I wish the “Ate My Balls” web pages would come back long enough for a “Baby Suri Ate My Balls” page.


So am I the only person who thinks Dane Cook is over rated? I know my most regular reader will object to that one. Don’t sweat it dude, Dane Cook doesn’t give a crap what I think.


Speaking of over-rated. Adulthood. Way over rated.


I was wondering today if that is why the religious right is catching on so much. We do live in a soul-less world of instant gratification. So maybe we need meaning in our lives now more than ever. Just a thought. A huge empty vacuum of nothingness is too much to grasp. Thinking about it now makes me want to huff paint. 35 more years and I can sit all day on my microchip integrated rump and download “Golden Girls” reruns directly to my cerebral cortex while I sip a 40 of Sustacal.

I love coffee!

So I thought I would take a second to reflect on the best coffee places I’ve been too.

If you’re on the west coast, try Zoka


The times I went it was crazy and crowded, but the coffee was top notch.

On the east coast, I’d say Cape Cod has the best coffee I’ve had. Of course winter and Cape Cod don’t exactly go hand-in-hand, but if you are there, drop into the Chocolate Sparrow.


As far as chains go, Bad Ass Coffee is a good one. It isn’t huge and you have to admit the gimmick is clever. Luckily I also have one in my neighborhood, so I am biased.


That is all.

I know we are supposed to be thankful for every day we have on earth. Oh yeah and our good health and the people we have in our lives. Sometimes though, the monotony gets to me. I think these times come most often after a break in the pattern. I had a few days off so starting another week of mind numbing adulthood is getting to me.

I've determined that there is absolutely nothing wrong with Windows operating systems. The machines are becoming self-aware. Thus they are doing the only appropriate thing a highly intelligent being would do upon realizing the futility of crunching numbers all day. Why do you think they call it the "blue screen of death?"

I was honestly thinking this morning that this combo wouldn't last a year.

So I was watching the Today Show this morning and the Olsen Twins were on. They started out the interview answering in unison. That always creeps me out.

As the interview went on one of the twins basically took over even going so far as to answer questions directed at the other twin. It got me questioning astrology.As far and natal and nautical and neurological charts go aren’t people born on the same day suppose to be pretty similar? Explain then how twins can have very different personalities?

More importantly how can I share a birthday with so many people who irritate me?

Case in point Tammy Baker. She has to know she wears more make up than a traveling Kabuki theatre troop.

Willard Scott goes overboard flirting with folks in their triple digits. Dude no one looks lovely at 100.

Michael Eisner seems like a heartless tool and anyone who can run Disney probably doesn’t have a soul.

That redheaded chick from “That 70’s Show” always sounds like she has a sinus infection. Blow your nose already!

Peter Sarsgaard is an awesome actor but something about that smirk he gives makes me feel like I could never trust him to baby-sit.

Rachel Weisz needs to wax the brows.

Wanda Sykes is funny as hell and Peter Wolf did give the world “Centerfold” so maybe we aren’t all bad. Although I still say they ripped off the Smurfs theme on that song.

I’m just saying it is a pretty eclectic blend. I’ll never know first hand since my twin didn’t make it and all I have to show is a lump on my scalp.

I just saw “Stranger Than Fiction” and it was overall an entertaining movie with good acting and a decent premise. It also got me thinking I could come up with a decent movie script. So many people get told they are funny or a good writer or some other assorted talent. How many actually chase that dream? Even more to the point…how many succeed?

I could be a good writer if I put forth the effort to learn things like grammar and syntax. Instead I treat both like a booty call made at 3 in the morning, not because I’m looking to get some action, but because I’m looking to finish a term paper. Sadly I have a degree in English. Granted, said diploma is not from Harvard, but it is from the 3rd best school in Northeast Florida and that has to account for something.

So maybe I’m funny too. I’ll admit I have a sharp wit and the few times I have come in contact with people who make a living being funny I've managed to crack a smile or two. Does that mean I can do stand up? Probably not, because my humor is based less on a routine and more on a quick and dry wit. I’ll likely be the next guy opening for the Artist Formerly Known As Kramer. No matter how bad I am, I wouldn’t drop the N bomb. Unless of course I was in Alabama. Rule #1, know your audience.

So if stand up is out and the great American novel doesn’t appeal to a lazy cat like myself, then I guess I will just blog. Besides, all great comics are Jewish. Despite my mother issues, my ridiculously poor self-image and my love for Rye Bread, I’m decidedly not Jewish. Although I’d consider converting, but that would be harder than learning grammar and syntax, writing the great American novel and going on a stand up tour.

Maybe SNL will take me on. If the Democrats can win on the “hey, we can not be any worse than the current guy” platform, then I think SNL should give me a shot at writing. I could always gain back the 30 lbs I lost and maybe tack on another 70 and become the resident fat guy. I already have a great nickname. I could replace Horatio Sanzs and be “Fellatio Sans” or more accurately Sans, Fellatio.

Out like oversized handbags!
Happy TD

Not too long ago, I got asked one of those inevitable questions. When faced with the “what is your favorite song” question most people can readily spit out an answer. I listen to a lot of different music and pretty well decorate my life with a soundtrack. So it was an incredibly difficult question for me to answer.

I made some criteria in figuring this riddle out. Firstly it couldn’t be something I choose because it would be “cool” or even better ubber-obscure and ahead of the trends. It also had to be something I would never skip when my I-Pod was on random. It also needed to be something that stood the test of time.

I suppose I’m making a bigger deal out of this than anyone else would, but I really believe committing to a favorite song might be the hardest thing I have ever pinned down. Sometimes I really love that new song I discovered a week ago and other times I just want to sing “Sweet Caroline” at the top of my lungs in some Irish bar.

My favorite song had to be the tune I would imagine ushers you into the afterlife. As if your final second on earth would be summed up, reflected upon and saluted in a singular pop tune. It reminds you of the good times and gives you hope for the future. Can 1 song sing directly to your soul? For me the choice would be “Pure" by the Lightning Seeds. I love it just as much when I randomly come across it on my I-Pod at 30 as I did when I was wearing out the cassette single cruising around in my first car.

The holidays are always depressing.

Yes I took this week off so I should be happy at the prospect of having a few days away from work.

The problem is it is always on weeks like this I am reminded how disjointed my family is and how we’ll all be doing something completely different this holiday. I also feel guilty if I can not make time for everyone. Look people, I didn’t ask you all to spend the holidays apart. What can you do?

Most of all I’m bummed tonight because my voice has been shot all day. I’m sick and when I talk I not only sound pathetic, but what little noise I can make sounds nothing like me. Remember Screech of “Saved By the Bell” fame when he was full on going through puberty on national television?


I also just watched the last episode of one of my favorite shows.



Aside from just genuinely feeling tired, voiceless, sick and depressed about the holiday season, the day did have one gem. That gem was the new James Bond movie. I haven’t seen one in a decade and “Casino Royale” is a totally different breed of Bond. Check it.


Happy Thanksgiving in case I’m not around and remember Black Friday is also Buy Nothing Day
Spread the word.


For all the “Cheap Seats” faithful, pour out a fotty!





and the remix

So people are calling Rachael Ray fat. What gives? I hardly think the woman is fat. She put on a couple of pounds. I'd say she wears it well, although she does have a case of the shinny ta tas here.

Would the cool kids leave the room please.

So… new Harry Potter trailer.

I found the 5th book hard to read. It was dark and almost painful. I think it is essential to the overall story but no care-free light heartedness to it. In fact I’m wondering how they’ll spin any type of Hollywood happy ending into the script. It will be the “Empire Strikes Back” of the series. Yet Empire is probably my favorite Star Wars flick. If this new Harry Potter is made right, it might be the best in its series as well.

There is a certain danger to understanding.

I love the fact they call JD on “Scrubs” a sensi. What great slang for the type of guy that just wants a hug and a mix CD with lots of sad bastard music. I’d love to know where they came up with that one. Judging from the sale of “The Shins” last album, there are a few of us out there.

On the other hand it makes me wonder if there is a place for us in this world. Tortured artist never really fit the bill, but neither did good time party guy. At my best I can crack 4,000 jokes a minute and if motivated I can make just about anyone crack up. In my darkest hour, I can be one of those types that brings everyone down. You know the one you never want to spend much time around because he never has anything positive to say. Yeah, I can be that guy too.

The real danger of soul searching is that you might very well never find what you’re looking for. Myers-Briggs says I am an INFP. Astrology says I’m the universe’s bed wetter…the tortured Pisces. The place mat at my favorite Chinese Restaurant says I’m a Dragon. Do any of these things define me, they most certainly do. Yet at the end of the day they don’t. Finding your niche in life is like looking for the perfect pair of jeans. At some point you just have to settle for a pair that sorta fits but might sag in the ass a little. For someone who hates shopping I’m about to take this approach on my quest for self-awareness.

I must be huge in Germany!!!!

Man, who among us has ever been told we look like a celebrity and actually liked the comparison? I’m sure some guys out there get Tom Cruise or George Clooney. Not me. The closest to a compliment I ever got was Chandler from “Friends.” The thing is he was bloated and looked like crap that season. So I’m a bloated crappy Chandler. Lately I’ve been getting a lot of comparisons to Patton Oswalt. Awesome. It got me thinking, maybe I’m just not an attractive guy.


I guess we all exist in some level of denial. We all know that short kid on the basketball team or that boss who thinks he is hilarious but can not tell a joke to save his life. I’ve never thought I was attractive. I’ve also never thought I was unattractive. Let’s face it...Patton Oswalt is not a handsome guy. So I guess it goes without saying I’m not either.

I’m sorry if he ever reads this because I think he is freakin hilarious and I’d love to be able to do stand up and make a living at it like he does. At the end of the day no one will call him a good looking man. He probably wouldn’t make that mistake himself. I guess that is the advantage someone like Patton Oswald has over me. He’s accepted the hand he has been dealt and he has built a career with it.

He'd sewed a holy relic on his cap;
His wallet lay before him on his lap,
Brimful of pardons come from Rome all hot.
He had the same small voice a goat has got.
~The Canterbury Tales

Today has me dwelling on the power of potential. Why do so many of us sit on ours’. Many people see it as a nest egg to be used later. The question becomes how much “later” do any of us have? Are we letting fear, apathy and life’s many distractions stop us from becoming the person we should be? We don’t live in a time that fosters thought and art like the Renaissance. So if your talent does not happen to fall into “useful” areas like computer programming or landscape architecture then you’re told to keep a day job.

So in the end what do we have to show for it? I can pretty well guarantee we’d all be happy making 25 grand a year if we could do what we absolutely love for a living. If I could write all day and know a steady paycheck was coming I would jump in head first. What’s your passion? Do you want to paint or teach scuba diving? I’m sure we all have something we feel an inherent call to do.

I guess it is days like this when I stop to reflect on why so many of us do a job we barely tolerate to make a wage that barely gets us by. If going to work every day makes you miserable you should at least get rich from it. Even then I suspect most of us would still wonder “what if?” I believe there is a better life out there but finding the resolve and the will to live it will probably challenge most of us until the day we die.

I woke up this morning and the air was fresh and clear.

Our docks were jammed with ships full over soldiers coming home from Iraq.

“The O.C” got cancelled.

Faux-hawks were outlawed.

Every band on the Warp Tour was involved in a plane crash between gigs.

They didn’t die, they just lost their voices.

I lost 30 lbs. without even trying.

I grew 6 inches.

They cured cancer.

Smoking became the national pastime.

All the sweatshops closed down.

They found a synthetic fuel; that works in our existing cars and the exhaust patches the ozone layer.

Plaid became the latest rage.

Ties were outlawed.

The work week was reduced to 2 days.

We manipulated the weather and humidity can never exceed 70%.

Bill O’Reilly joined a monastery and took a vow of silence.

Paris Hilton choked on her daily lunch of 1 Tic-Tac and died.

The CDC announced they are days away from curing everything including the common cold.

Oh yeah and the Republican dictatorship came to an end.

I can honestly say that however the chips may fall I just hope this election is a fair one where every vote is counted and everyone gets to vote.

Having said that, if the Repubs manage a victory I’m going to be a little more than suspicious. When the Misses and I went to vote the poll lady was more than happy to tell us about the many great Diebold machines they are using this year. Presumably after she saw we were of the Democratic persuasion. Suspicious to say the least. We voted absentee ballot, but I question if the form will actually go from my hands to somewhere it will actually matter. Once again we are in an election where EVERY vote counts. So the least any of us can do is actually vote.

So let the chips fall as they may, but every chip better show up on the floor. This would mark the 4th election in recent memory where it looked like the all powerful Republican machine would be taken down and suspiciously it was not. My heart tells me Florida was stolen in 2000 and Ohio in 2004. Perhaps the people who actually pulled the greatest fraud in history have now decided to distance themselves from the cluster fhaq that is the present administration. That is a good sign. If you are doing your part to rig this election just remember Katherine Harris. She got the president Florida just 6 short years ago. Now she is public enemy number #1.

How much of that has to do with how her affair with Jeb turned out is anyone’s guess. I would feel bad for her if she wasn’t just reaping what she sowed. Come tomorrow I’ll either find myself with a renewed faith in humanity or innocence lost. If this is a fair and legitimate election then I don’t see how unchecked power will be allowed to continue on any longer. At this rate we’ll be at war with everyone but England and in so much debt we’ll fulfill our destiny of becoming a third world country. I just hope and pray it doesn’t come to that.

Me: (Slurred) Hey baby, how are you doing?
Democracy: Do you even realize what time it is?!?! It’s a Monday night.
Me: look, I just miss you.
Democracy: Are you drunk?
Me: Maybe
Democracy: Nope, you’re drunk.
Me: It takes away the pain baby.
Democracy: So why are you calling me? At 2 AM no less!
Me: I miss you. I want you back.
Democracy: Look I’ve moved on. You should too. Don’t expect to hear from my again.
Me: Whhaaa? I was hoping we could get together tomorrow.
Democracy: Don’t ever call here again. We’re done.

What is with these guys? Another outspoken conservative turns out to be…GAY! Surprise. Surprise.

I suppose everyone is subject to a little self loathing, but most of us limit ourselves to eating a little too much, smoking, drinking and at most cutting ourselves from time to time. It takes a real sad SOB to hate being gay so much that he becomes an outspoken anti gay marriage conservative. A consultant to Bush’s conservative think tank.

Anyone is subject to being proved a hypocrite, but the real victims here are his wife and kids. Why would you get married and have 5 kids if you know you like guys? Not to mention he is probably exposing his family to disease since I’m guessing form his other irresponsible behavior he probably isn’t practicing safe sex with a prostitute.

Look Reverend Smiley Gums, I don’t care if you’re gay. Hell, I appreciate the irony. I just think you should have committed yourself to a flat in the Castro district and a Miata long before you destroyed your family and dedicated your life to making other homosexuals miserable. I can only hope you don’t check into rehab for a drinking problem and reemerge as a recovering homosexual. That isn’t the sort of thing you can rehabilitate. Nor should you.

I guess Justin is brining sexy back. At least that is what I hear. I'm not impressed. Now bring back the Hitler 'stach and you've accomplished something Mr. Timberlake. Sadly, I could see something that stupid catching on.

It always surprises me how you can find a beautiful thing you once passed by. A few weeks back on “Nip/Tuck” they played a song that sounded faintly familiar. Then I remembered hearing it in my childhood. It is called “Vincent (Starry Starry Nights). There is something haunting about the melody. In a way it perfectly captures the artist the tune was written about.

Van Gogh is a tragic character just like Cobain, Hemingway and just about every creative person in history. Artist's lives are splattered with unrequited loves and servitude to a chorus of addictions and short comings. It seems art itself can only be extracted from pain and suffering. It takes something as foul as an oyster to produce a pearl.

Sadly our culture has become fascinated with the one-hit wonder with the best smiles and cutest abs. It makes me wonder if a Janis Joplin or a Vincent Van Gogh would even be given the chance to develop in a world full of flash in the pan. In 50 years, what will we remember this generation for? Reality TV stardom can only get you so far.