Oil prices are up. Iraqis are killing American civilians. Why did we go over there again?

Today Air America went live. Too bad I live in the heart of the Bible belt, because I’ll only have it online.

Everybody is moving to New York.

Ok, not New York necessarily, but away none the less. I just found out another friend might be making the journey. Since his secret might not be out, I’ll keep his identity under wraps. While I think it is a good thing to get out of your “box” I am going to miss the boy. It seems like I am the one Auggie native who has given moving away the most lip service and the least action.

I graduated college on a Friday and within 48 hours I was in Atlanta standing on my cousin’s doorstep. I was sick and tired of small town life and wanted some big city action. It didn’t take me long to get depressed, put on 20 pounds and realize I had almost no friends. It also didn’t take me long to start plotting my return home. I did the same thing my freshman year of college when I moved to Miami.

Back then I walked away from a full scholarship because I hated Miami. What I eventually learned was that the things I hated about Miami where really just the challenges everyone faces their first year of college. I also learned the things I hated about Atlanta where really the challenges we all face our first year of life after college. Little did I know that sitting at a desk all day and dealing with constant pressure and deadlines would feel exactly the same in Atlanta as it does in sunny Florida.


To those about to rock, we salute you. It takes amazing amounts of nerve to pack up your belongings and move into the unknown. My own adventure showed me I could get a job, an apartment and adjust to living somewhere different. I also got my first taste of real rush hour traffic and what it is like to be a minority. I was humbled and somewhat defeated by the big city. However, I wouldn’t trade the experience for anything. So, via con dios mi amigo and we’ll leave the light on for you.

It is such a weird thing to see someone and know it will probably be the last time you see them alive. Yesterday I drove to South Carolina and back to see my grandma. The first hour I was there, I left my sister alone with Grandma. We both drove up together and I figured both of us being there at the same time might be overwhelming. So I left and gave them some quality time. Apparently while I was gone my Grandma sat up and even talked for some time with my Sister. By the time I got back she was in a deep sleep. After about 3 hours of watching her sleep, my sister and I decided to go. We woke Grandma up to let her know we were leaving and she was very startled and asked, “what happened?” She did not even realize she fell asleep, much less for any extended period of time.


I feel a lot of very strange emotions right now. I lost my other grandma very suddenly and it was something I didn’t know was coming. I think sometimes it is better that way, although I didn’t get to tell her goodbye. This time around I have been saying goodbye over and over again. I’m not even sure Grandma knows I’m there. She is so very sick and still really mad she is in a nursing home. She did not want this. My uncle did the best he could caring for her at home and truthfully her health is deteriorating fast. So today I feel somewhat jealous my sister had a good visit and a chat with Grandma. I feel somewhat guilty that I have Grandma’s 27-inch TV. Worse yet I feel guilty for the emotional disconnect I have to the whole situation.

I’m not sure if I am using a self defense mechanism or if I have already been through this before and know what is coming. I think the truth is I just don’t want her to suffer anymore. With cancer, sometimes death is a long time coming. Up until yesterday, I didn’t realize how unpleasant my Grandmother’s life has become. I can not bring myself to be angry or bitter or sad. I can not bring myself to accept that this woman in the hospital bed is her. Up until very recently she walked her dog for miles every day and could spend 5 hours in Wal-Mart without breaking a sweat. For some reason, the new image of Grandma just isn’t sinking in.

Its hard to hold a candle in the cold November rain!

It has been a long time since I’ve seen a movie that touched me like “Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind.” I didn’t expect much out of it. It was a Charlie Kaufman joint and I knew that would mean it was a roller coater ride of a film that would play with my brain for days. I saw it last night and its still bouncing around in there.

If you haven’t seen the movie then come back to this after you have because I’m giving away the meat of the film. Sure there will be other twists and turns along the way, but if you read this before seeing it a lot of the magic will be gone. OK you’re still here. I have to assume you saw it. In which case…

Here are my thoughts. To simply read about a film like this does it a great injustice. The plot line (as best it was presented) was basically about a couple who’s love turned sour and in anger the woman had her memories of her lover erased. When he heard about it he had the procedure done too only to realize in the middle that he wanted to hang on to those memories.Seriously if you haven’t seen it then stop reading NOW.

The movie really moved me. I suspected the Hollywood outcome where at the last minute he would find a place to hide Clementine in his memory. Instead they were both staring at each other and they both had a fairly clean slate for another shot at love. Unlike the rest of us they knew how their relationship would end. They would say nasty and hurtful things to each other and learn they were completely wrong for one another. Sadly that is how a lot of relationships end up.

I think the film touched me most because it dug up a lot of emotions that I had suppressed for some time. When they chose to get together at the end knowing the rotten outcome that would result I was fighting back tears. I think we can all relate to that one relationship (or many in some cases) where the timing was just wrong or you both let issues from your past sabotage things. I think the message is if you love someone then regardless of where the ride ends up it is worth taking a chance on the journey. I can not say I live life completely free of regrets, but I can say I wouldn’t trade the experiences I’ve had for anything.

Meet me in Montauk!

1 Sam 17:26
”Who is this uncircumcised Philistine that he should defy the armies of the living God?"

Apparently the debate for and against circumcision rages on. Too bad most of us didn’t get the chance to formulate an opinion on the subject before it was too late. That is unless you were not cut. Then as an uncut adult you could get the procedure done on your own free will. There are ethical implications either way. There is an AP story out today that addresses research regarding the health benefits of getting the little fella trimmed. The article covers a case study in India showing that circumcised men have a decreased chance of contracting HIV. The disease has less skin cells to attach to in men who have had the procedure.


Of course the roots of this procedure began in the Victorian Era when it was a punishment for masturbation. Primarily it was done to “kill the fun” of self-gratification. With a decrease in sensitivity it was though little boys would refrain from the pastime. It didn’t take long for circumcision to be credited for curing everything from epilepsy to poor eyesight. After the Cold War the procedure then became the norm and it was done on most babies here in the US.

Worldwide 10-15 percent of men are circumcised and the vast majority of them are Muslim. In Europe and South America the practice is almost non-existent. In the U.S. children are not put under sedation during the procedure and most slip into a coma like state after it is done. Sometimes this recovery period lasts weeks and can be hard on parents since what they’ve done so clearly hurt their child.

Aside from the new HIV study I wanted to find out if there are any other medical benefits to the procedure. I don’t want to clean my son’s genitals until he is in middle school. Of course being a parent requires many unpleasant sacrifices. I was once a little boy and I know we aren’t always the cleanest of people so I can imagine a child who isn’t circumcised runs the risk of having all kinds of bacterial infections not to mention just being dirty. My inner puritan tells me there must be benefits.


It turns out the benefits are mixed at best. Circumcised children have a lower risk of urinary tract infections, but only in the first years of life. Penile cancer affects 1 in 100,000 males (and ironically 0 females). While circumcision is thought to decrease the risk, penile cancer isn’t the most dreaded disease going these days. While there are benefits to circumcision there are plenty of dangers such as bleeding, infection, and scarring.

If I had a son tomorrow it would hard to decide if circumcision is right. While the procedure would be a non-existent memory when a child grows up, as a parent you would be making a permanent decision for your child that he has no say in. It is the job of a parent to do what is best for their child. In this case there does not appear to be any logical argument for the procedure other than myths about cleanliness and our own reluctance to teach little boys about proper hygiene.

What is this, Russia?
Apparently a new survey shows most American’s oppose gay marriage, but luckily they also don’t agree with the president's proposed amendment to the constitution. Personally, I don’t think the gay marriage issue is one we should be wasting so much time over. Honestly, there are two sides to every story and my only hope is that if we do start allowing same sex marriages, it doesn’t avalanche into a trend where people can marry anyone or anything. I could just see people marrying their dog or their favorite “Friends” episode. That’s the real danger to accepting gay marriage.


My own personal religious beliefs tell me gay marriage is wrong. Fine. So is smoking crack. I’m not about to jump on a bandwagon movement to stop crack heads from having the same rights as the rest of us. Seriously, if it is a faith issue, then why not trust God to do the passing of judgment. If gay marriage is morally wrong, then whatever those of us on earth commit to paper God will nullify. If you aren’t religious and you’re opposed to gay marriage, then tell me why.

Straight marriages have a pretty horrible track record these days. I’m not saying I agree with gay marriage, but I do think it is ridiculous for the entire nation to get up in arms about the issue. This isn’t going to pull the morality rug out from under us. Maybe you haven’t noticed, but we’ve been sitting on the bare floor for years now.

I just got my first random email from someone who reads my blog. I can not tell you how happy that makes me. I suspect that a few of my friends might look at this and maybe one or two family members. I like the blog concept. For one thing it allows others a chance to go across distance, race, age and all the other boundaries that keep us from knowing each other. If I knew at 17 how incredibly confusing the rest of my life would be, then I would have found some peace a decade ago. The truth is we really never figure it all out. That’s why there are now terms like “Quarter Life Crisis” and of course there’s the classic mid-life crisis. I have a sneaking suspicion that mid-life will be traumatic. It really is the point where you are fully aware of who you are and more importantly aware of who you should have, would have and could have been.

It is weird how fickle we are. I wonder if it is our species. Maybe we were programmed that way so we would always move on to greener pastures before we depleted the food and water resources in one place. Now we don’t move anywhere. We just sit in one place and try to satisfy that wanderlust. I watched a few minutes of “Queer Eye for the Straight Guy” last night. It shocked me that A) that show is still on and B) I once liked it. It was one of the many trends of summer 2003.

I just let my body hair grow where ever and whenever it wants and shop at the thrift store and just genuinely don’t care to try and live up to anyone’s crazy standards. That’s what guys do…straight ones anyway. So that show was clever and amusing the first 3 times we all saw it, but it definitely didn’t spark a Metrosexual revolution.

It really was just yesterday relative to a good long life. Yet those days of watching straight men learn how to be gay and visiting Friendster every day to get updates on people I don’t know, or worse yet ones who mutually dropped contact with me years ago, seems like ages ago. I visit Friendster from time to time and feel like I’m kicking a carcass. What a phenomenal idea it was. Too bad we all got bored making new friends and keeping old ones. It spawned a few imitators before the tide turned.

2003, where did you go?

No Mr. Bond, I expect you to die.
I have been knee deep in the deepness these last couple of days getting my class projects finished up for web design. They came out pretty good. So I’m in a good mood, but incredibly lonely here at work. Our phones are dead, so I can not even drum up business. This is certainly the calm before the storm. I want to go HOME.

Self-evaluation does sort of reach a point where it becomes, well, pointless. If you look around, the people who have had the greatest impact on history have been the ones who don’t place any importance on themselves, but instead dedicate their life to a cause or to helping others. Some notables are Jesus, Mother Theresa, Gandhi, Martin Luther King, and the list rolls on and on. The one thing they all had in common (which jumped right over religious, economic and racial boundaries) was that they made enormous sacrifices to improve the lives of other people before themselves. Perhaps that is where the true meaning in life comes from. I know I am a right-brained INFP and a Pisces, so less 1% of the population probably stands a chance of ever understanding me.

So I hear in the geek world blogging was so 2 years ago. I think its funny how so many deviant subcultures try so hard to be “different” yet conform to a group of excepted standards. Sometimes it’s the emo kids and sometimes it’s the Goths. They all have credos and clothing in common. Who knows why? As for myself, I’m a Visogeek. Yeah, that’s my new clique. Right now it is a party of one.

The Visogeek are united by only one thing. Encapsulated, our credo is this…we are like no one else. I cannot tell you how hard it is not fitting in with anyone. Sure I can BS my way through through a few SQL server jokes with the nerds or reflect on getting beat up by the neighborhood bully with the other geeks. Jeez, in a pinch I can even wax poetic about monster trucks and football with the rednecks. The sad truth is I write code with 50 lb manuals spread across my lap. I use to fight the bullies back and I don’t understand what a two point conversion is. Basically I’m a party of one.


All my life I’ve struggled to figure out where I fit into the ecosystem. I’ve been hoping someone would take me into his or her fold. I wore a trench coat and listened to NIN in high school, but I also loved the beach. I use to drive a truck and cruise around with the windows down, but I was blasting “Belle and Sebastian.” This weird contradiction has balanced every aspect of my life. I don’t like sleeping in and I don’t like staying up late.

If you’re looking for some group to associate with, then become a Visogeek. You will be welcomed with open arms. Of course, you will not sign up, because the true Visogeek rides alone. He or she roams the earth searching for something that sparks their interest. We are always on top of the next big thing 6 months before the masses and we’re already bored with it by the time the latest trend has spawned a dress code and a reality TV series.

If you want to spot a Visogeek, then you can find us anywhere. Maybe we will stick out like a sore thumb. The pogo stick or the acid wash jeans will give us away. You’ll catch us throwing around references to some Welsh indie flick that will be next year’s critic’s choice or saying curse words in Aramaic. Wherever there is a code to conform to, we’re breaking it. Of course, most of us just keep a low profile and a clean nose and smirk at everyone else chasing the next bandwagon.

For some reason I have the phrase “On A Wave of Caffination” stuck in my head. Of course, its set to the tune of the Pixie’s “Wave of Mutilation.” I think I’m finally on the junk. I’ve managed to get my life pretty clean. No soda, no smokes, and no deep fried foods I drink less in a year than Ted Kennedy has before breakfast. So I tend to pride myself on clean living. Unfortunately, some Cholo makes a lovely pot of coffee here at work every morning. I’ve been strong well into my adult years. I know what this stuff does. I have tasted its powers. It causes addicts. Most alcoholics can get through a day without booze if they had too. Coffee drinkers on the other hand are a whole different lot. I’ve seen them come into the office looking like crack whores on a slow night. They have that glassy look of complete desire in their eyes and they just cannot get the day going without it. I think its time we gave them a street name like “Bean Heads.” They’re always out looking for some Columbian Kilos of their drug of choice. Am I wrong? I doubt it. Admit it or not, they’re straight up junkies. Hell you’re probably one of them. Sanka, the silent killer. So here I sit with a cup. I save my coffee drinking for the days when I cannot function without it and today certainly qualifies. Of course I started out as a casual smoker too. No one ever dives head first into addiction.

I sigh…
With the vacant disregard that populates the minds and hours of my generation.
Have you ever noticed how quickly people get over you? I suspect this isn’t a unique trait for me (although with minimal self esteem and a thousand neurotic traits I wouldn’t dismiss the idea entirely). Seriously, how many times has the same person who told you they loved you more than anything turned around and forgot you ever existed? Strange how fickle the heart is. Makes you wonder if you should allow it to make decisions for you especially ones you must live with the rest of your life.

So this morning I came across a movie that was made in 1994. I stopped for a minute to watch it because I never heard of the film and that was the year I graduated high school. I thought it would be fun to see how the styles have changed since then. What I couldn’t believe was how old the movie looked. It wasn’t just the clothes or setting, but the actual film itself. It was showing the tell tale signs of discoloration. You know that grainy yellowness that gets on an older movie and makes it look like someone spilled beer across the print. Has it really been that long? It seems like just yesterday “Snow” was on the radio and “Reality Bites” was in theatres. I think time travels faster the older you get. Its all relative I guess. A licky boom boom now.

Kiss me I’m Irish!
Or I guess you could just kiss me because you want to. You have to love a holiday that centers on some good hardcore drinking. That is of course if you’re not the one Irish man who doesn’t drink. Maybe I should start. I also don’t have that tendency to start fights either. I’m a complete anomaly since I’m both Irish and under 5’10” and I’m not out to prove anything.

Did you know St. Patrick was actually kidnapped and forced to go to Ireland? Check out his story here .

Today seems to be a good day. I spent 13 hours at work yesterday. It was mostly to catch up on tons of projects for school. 13 hours is still a long time. Why not? Almost everyone I know is in Savannah. Tomorrow a couple of friends are leaving for New York. Me? As ET told Elliot, “I’ll be right here.” They had a Wal-Mart opening on the news today. A live broadcast! It might be time to move.

Women are evil.
It seems like every time I try to drop that credo, something happens to reaffirm my belief. You guessed it. I got ditched. Basically, it played out like this. I called the girl the night before we were suppose to get together and didn’t get a call back. Then the day of our “date” I get this email saying, “sorry I didn’t call you back. I was real busy last night.” So I email back and ask her point blank if we are stilling getting together that night (not in a mean way or anything). She finally replied and made a point to mention that she usually doesn’t flake out on her friends (notice the dreaded ‘friends” word?) but her parents are coming to town Wednesday and she needs to clean her apartment.

Apparently she cannot keep plans that I’ve been looking forward to all week because her parents are coming in a mere 72 hours. I don’t know about you, but in my college days, I moved my entire apartment once in 4 hours. Unless this girl is hiding bodies in her place, I don’t think the task is going to be a three-day adventure.

So is she just not interested? Is she flaky? Is she playing hard to get? Does she like me as a friend and doesn’t want to send the wrong signals? The weird thing is after she established we were “friends” and we were not going to be meeting up, she sent me more emails then I’ve managed to get from her in a week. So maybe she was feeling guilty. Maybe she felt relieved that our “friends” status was established. Who knows? Personally, I don’t think relationships should be as difficult as they are. Really the only part of this that bothers me is when exactly was she planning on letting me know our plans were canceled? I’m guessing when I showed up to pick her up and she didn’t answer the door.

I'm one nice guy who is about to become a jerk.

Screw it. I’m in a writing mood today. I should be using this time to get some schoolwork done. This masters isn’t going to finish itself. The truth is, I wondering if I’m just doing the degree to feel like I’m not wasting my life aat a dead end job. The answer is…more than likely. Otherwise, I would see no point in driving 45 minutes each way every day to a job I cannot stand. I think the ultimate quest in life is to find some meaning. I read the other day that married people and people with a religious faith are statistically happier than single agnostic people. It made me really wonder. Maybe the only way to truly be happy is to escape yourself.

Both scenarios give your life a sense of purpose. If I had a child to care for then I’d have a reason to get out of bed and go to work each day. Kids need things like food, clothes and braces and it is the parent’s role to provide for their needs. If you have an unfaltering faith, then your life has meaning. All life’s hardships become a training ground for the afterlife. God is testing you. This life doesn’t matter, because no matter how good it is it will pale in comparison with what’s to come.

The truth is I don’t find solace in either scenario. I actually and truthfully contemplated becoming a priest. I’ve revisited the issue time and again. There was a time in my life when my faith was so solid and so unwavering that I would have given up the chance at a “normal” life to serve God. Perhaps I missed the boat by not making that leap, because somewhere along the way, the connection got pretty fuzzy. I still pray and I still have faith, but something is missing.

I think we parted ways sometime back with I betrayed my inner dialogue and headed down a path in life that was very wrong for me. I got involved with the wrong girl, I suppressed my beliefs, and I never traveled like I planned. When the dust settled, my dreams where crushed. I tried teaching (which I always thought I would love) and ended up having that dream blow up in face. I opened my heart up and instead ended up feeling very used, controlled and alone. I took the path of least resistance in life and found myself right where I began.

Just once I would love to be able to come to decisions without spending weeks in advance planning out every worse case scenario. Just once I’d like to look someone in the eye and tell them how I really feel or what I really want. The truth is that about the time I manage to grasp either concept, they slip right out of my hands again. I’m starting the suspect the answer is not inside and it definitely isn’t found outside. Maybe the quest itself is what gives this entire journey its meaning.

I was talking to a coworker yesterday about life. She’s in her 40s and divorced. She seems to be terminally happy. She told me her life stinks, but she remains oblivious to it. She just doesn’t think about how bad it is. So maybe it’s the over evaluation that makes the miserable so miserable. Ignorance is bliss I guess. She did provide me a nugget of truth though. I asked her her secret and she said, “never open your heart to anyone, because they will only use it against you or to hurt you.”

I was already wise to this plan, because I had been using it as my mantra for a long time now. I suspect that it is in sharing your heart that you grow and change and become who you are. Lately, I’ve been wondering what choices I would make if I could go back 10 years to high school and decide all over again how to get adulthood off on the right foot. The truth is I would rather not have to go back, because the choices I have had to make thus far in life have mostly been difficult and are almost always exhausting. I would rather just live with the consequences.

So I sit in my latter youth wondering what lies ahead. I have been pretty lucky so far in life, because I am an introvert surrounded by great friends. They really bring me out of my shell and they are a blessing. Otherwise I would probably be drowning in a bog of uncertainty right now. I wonder what I would do differently in life if I had the power to control it completely. We all posses this power, but I feel the weight of it as too much for my fragile psyche to bear.

I could easily wake up tomorrow and become an alpha male who lists getting laid or getting drunk on the top of his list of daily duties. I could be a captain of industry and crawl my way to the top running over everyone who gets in my way with my gas hogging SUV. I suspect this is what the world wants and expects from a man. The women I meet seem to grow bored with an introspective and self-aware partner. They want a guy who’ll defend them in bar fights and is predictable to the point where he can be broken and tamed.

The whole sensitive weepy artist guy routine is played out. It is so 1995 (minus the grunge rock scene and wispy goatee). Maybe I’m stuck in another time or maybe I’m full of crap and not as self aware as I like to think so I’m too blind to see the forest for the trees. Maybe I’m over analyzing life and using this medium as an excuse to spin my wheels. Maybe I’m hoping a therapist will read this and provide the key to all my problems. Maybe I’m hoping some woman will read this and fall for the kind sensitive man they all say they want to meet. Chances are, she would call the whole thing B.S. Maybe she would be right. I don’t know where the real me begins and the one I’m willing to share ends.

I sure used "great" a lot today. Maybe I'm bipolar. I should be studying and making a better life for myself. My inner-fish is winning today. If the Pisces isn't interested in doing it, then it will never get done. Two fish swimming in opposite directions huh? I suspect one is a very friendly 14 year-old girl and the other is a very world weary old man. Maybe the two of them will come to an understanding one day.

The rush comes like the dawn
your head is full
your heart is warm.
On the sea of love
are you the captain or
do you just clean the ship

Today is already shaping up to be a great one. Of course it is 8 AM, but something in the universe told me that today would enhance my understanding and it already has. I was introduced to a fellow blogger in my ‘hood by way of my friend Aubrey. She has some great insight and a very unique voice. Visit HERE and check her out. I wish she had email, because this girl is someone I think I could have an intelligent conversation with. Plus she knows my hero Joe “Babe” Warner. Can you beat that?

I had the weirdest set of dreams. In the first one one of my friends was getting picked on by a whole group of people and I stepped in and stopped them and made him feel better. Then I had the exact same dream but this time, it was my best friend’s Mom. Am I supposed to save these people from something? It is all probably just subconscious garbage. I skipped dinner last night and maybe my brain felt starved and decided to mess with me. I just wasn’t in the mood for Hooters.


Speaking of Hooters, this place is the ‘neck capital of the world. I rolled up in my Sentra and felt VERY out of place. Maybe I need whip antennae. Can they jack up compact cars? I did make one-observation…police officers, Marines, and racecar drivers might be brave, but the Hooters girls have 100 times the gumption. I could not imagine wearing next to nothing and warding off horny drunk men day in and day out. Hats off to you ladies.

So it looks like every one is pair bonding again. So it goes around the springtime I suppose. While I had a great date last weekend the anxiety that this week has brought makes me want to scream. We finally settled on Monday as our follow up “interview”(lets face it that’s what they are…so what can you offer my company should we choose to hire you?). This whole week I’ve wondered if that day was intentional since it gave her a full week to come up with an excuse to bail. I guess I’ll have to wait and see. She has about 48 hours to come down with scurvy or have a snow skiing accident in Florida.

It seems like no matter how old I get or how much more comfortable I get around women, I will always be that fat kid that didn’t deserve to be loved. Can we escape the role we grow up in? Somehow I doubt it. I guess the trick is to borrow from the GOP playbook and be “cautiously optimistic.” I think you have to keep your heart guarded, but if you hide it in a box too long, it dries up. Perhaps my follow up will go smoothly. I am not, however, wearing a suit.

This is a great Cat Stevens song. What a great quote:
“I love you though the time may change And snowmen sleep in the sea“

By the way, on Sunday I turned 28. I managed to outlive Janis Joplin, Jimi Hendrix, Jim Morrison, and Kurt Cobain. I find it hard to believe these cultural icons were all younger than me when they died.

you'll realise one day..
that the grass is always greener on the other side
neighbours got a new car that you want to drive
and the time is running out
you wanna stay alive
we all live under the same sky

we all will live, we all will die
there is no wrong, there is no right
the circle only has one side
~Travis "Side"

Guess who’s back? Well the last few days have been sort of, well, nutty. At the recommendation of a friend I decided to hunt around for a counselor. I think I have had too many things that I’ve carried alone and somehow last week it all came to a head. The funny thing is, my last blog was not how I feel day to day. I have great friends and upon occasion, my family will even be decent to me, although they do tend to use me more as the target of their anger, frustration or really pathetic humor. Not that any of you would take enough interest in me to read my blog, so I can safely say these things.

So I’m done complaining. Fear not, this isn’t a lifetime vow, but I figured I at least owe it to anyone who might read this blog to let you know I am quite alright. I did, however, get a taste of what it must be like to have a mental illness and need help. Basically, I just wanted someone to talk too and be a sounding board about depression, family issues, bad relationships, the type of things that pile up on us as human beings. I’d like to one day have the ability to not be completely devastated when people don’t answer my emails or when I ask some girl out and get the “I just want to be friends” speech.

Neurotic is cool if you’re Jewish and have a sitcom. I don’t fall into either category. So I called my insurance company and found out they had a mental health program. I was happy to see that. They were very helpful and gave me about a dozen counselors names and numbers in my area. I started looking at the numbers and realized they were mostly clusters of different counselors. So there were 4 different numbers with 3 counselors at each number.


The first one I called was very helpful and would happily see me on Monday. When I gave the receptionist my address, she informed me they were actually located about 50 miles form my home. I commute enough as it is, so I said thanks but no thanks. At the second number I got the reply that the counselors at this site were now booked through a corporate program and could not see new patients. So, I tried the third number and left 2 different messages. As of now I have not gotten a call back. The 4th and final one just said they had no openings in the foreseeable future.

So I called the counselor my friend referred me to. They took all my insurance information and said they would call back today and let me know if I am covered. Otherwise, it would be $130 per session. You guessed it…not a word. I guess the fact mental health counseling is so hard to come by only contributes to the thousands of people who have SERIOUS problems and can not afford or otherwise access treatment. Its hard enough getting over the stigma and admitting you could use help, but when services are hard to come by and about $130 per session if you don’t have insurance, it is a wonder more people are not hurting themselves.

I have good insurance and minor problems and I still couldn’t get help. I guess until Wal-Mart adds mental health care to their services, little redneck towns like mine will always have a quiet minority who go untreated. This whole thing has me thinking I should do what every other head case seems to do and get a masters in psychology and go into practice myself.

Reality can be harsh. It takes times like this to make you realize how alone you really are. If you make it to your late 20s and you’re single and your family is scattered across the world, you really feel it sometimes. I have worn a lot of different hats in my life. I once had a family (or I guess almost). I was engaged to a girl with a daughter and we were weeks away from getting married. What happened is neither here nor there and certainly not for public posting, but I did get a taste of what being a Dad is like. I think I was pretty good at it.

While the timing was wrong I did get an idea of what its like to have a family of my own. So here I sit before my birthday feeling more alone and depressed than I think I ever have. I guess my Grandma being sick really has me worried. I think I’m also wrestling some selfish issues. I haven’t been able to get an email reply from anyone lately. I know we’re all too busy with our lives and things, but right now I could really use someone to talk too. Right now I could use a empathetic ear and I can not find one. My fear is I might one day be in a real bind and find myself diagnosed with leukemia or some other horrible event and I’ll be unable to find anyone who cares. I think I've pushed so many people away, that I’m finally realizing the error of my ways. “And a rock feels no pain and an island never cries.”

What is it about human nature that makes us want to stuff that empty hole? Get your mind out of the gutter! You know what I’m talking about. Some of us fill it with booze, cigarettes, and food. Other folks use God or jogging or meditation. I think I've tried them all. The truth is none of them work. That empty hole exists and from what I can tell as you get older it gets bigger.

I wonder if this is something ingrained in us biologically so we don’t get complacent and forget to hunt and gather. Maybe it is put in us by our creator so we will seek more meaning to our lives and thus find our faith. Maybe it is just that empty human desire we all have to find a bigger and better slice of the pie. I firmly believe that our consumer based society tells us to want the best abs and nicest car, but in the other ear it tells us to have another cookie, Miller Lite, taco…the list rolls on.

Today that hole has been dug by a very real event. I’m going to South Carolina this weekend,because my Grandma is very ill. By very ill I mean she is likely in her final days. The truth is I don’t know what comfort I can give her or what I can say. All I can do is be there for her. I wish I could understand why this is always so hard. I haven’t lost a lot of people close to me, but the ones that have gone were pretty hard. I always find the hardest part is watching how others react to loss. Inevitably we will bury our parents. They bury their parents and our kids will bury us. Knowing this you’d think I would be thankful for the time my Grandma had.

My Grandma fought cancer twice and turned a diagnosis of months into years. She raised two kids who in turn made 6 grandkids and they made 8 great-grandkids and one great-great grandkid. That is a legacy if I ever saw one. I know the next few weeks are going to be pretty tough. I’ve buried two friends when we were teens and two grandparents and I always end up reflecting a little too much on the things unsaid. This weekend I want to make sure I have told Grandma how much I love her. I suspect she already knows it, but its best to make sure.

It is about McTime. Apparently the golden arches are finally making an effort to scale back on the super sizes. I’ll bet for every person who sees this as a positive move, there will be just as many 300 pound food addicts out there who are up in arms. I can picture the scene right now. An ample woman drives through McDonalds and orders her usual Double Quarter Pounder with fries and Diet Coke. (As Paris “Socrates” Hilton says, “Diet Coke is for fat people”). So in waddles this lady fresh from the drive-thru screaming at the poor 16 year old behind the counter that the fries in her bag hardly constitute a serving. Trust me, you might find yourself privy to this very scene soon enough.

Now it is easy enough to jump on the bandwagon and blame fast food for America’s (and recently the world’s) growing girth, but the truth is Henry VIII did not have a single Big Mac in his kingdom and his obesity is legendary. While I do believe it is part of the puzzle, I don’t think it is the answer. This is a positive change, but many more are needed.

I could blame my lifetime of weight struggles on fast food. I grew up in single parent home. With four kids in and out of the house, we didn’t have tons of money. Mom made sure we were fed, but the last thing we could afford was a visit to a fancy restaurant (and yes, McDonalds qualified at the time). When my Mom remarried, my step dad introduced me to fast food. I quickly went from the skinniest little runt in my class to the fat kid. Trust me, I have the pictures. Yet I don’t recall any McDonalds' employee ever holding a gun to my head and forcing me to eat. At least McDonalds is making an effort to change things, but as long as we all have free will, what’s stopping us from ordering two small fries?

What can I say... some days are just tighter than others. Today is pretty darn sunny. It being Tuesday and the beginning of my work week today should suck. So far, other than having an enormous amount of homework to do and being awakened much too early by construction workers, today has been pretty awesome. It is warm and sunny and I managed to get over to Best buy to get the new Get Up Kids CD that came out today for $6. That’s a deal.

This morning I checked the weather and it is going to rain on Sunday. Just one year I would like to have a birthday where it does not rain. I remembering being a kid and having every birthday party ruined by rain. It is bad enough sharing your birthday with Willard Scott and Tammy Faye Baker.

As I was driving in the sun with the windows down and the new CD cranking, it dawned on me I’ll never be happy until I make writing a bigger part of my life. I just cannot balance my artistic side with my practical. This is the curse of the Pisces. Two very lovely fish swimming in opposite directions symbolize the Pisces. I wonder how fellow fish like Albert Einstein and Chris Martin became so successful?