What a strange lot it is. I don’t suspect I am the only fully intuitive individual out there, but I am the only one I know. I often find myself trying to explain to everyone else why I’ve come to a decision based on my gut feeling. They just sort of tilt their heads and look at me like I just scooped up a handful of poop and took a chomp. Then logic and reason rears its ugly head.

So why exactly do I stand here with the wood and nails waiting for someone to get on with it. I might get far enough to attach one hand to my cross. I think that this is honestly the chewy little core of the nut that is my life. Women don’t understand me because I think like them. Trust me when I tell you it sucks. So I have tried to develop this more logical side to myself that filters in these gut instincts and rationalizes them accordingly. I’m not a rational person, but I do a pretty good impression of one.

So what was I saying again? Oh yes, I seem to be too intuitive for my own good. I have a way of understanding people and sensing out what they need and then trying with ever fiber of my being to give them that. I am a people pleaser. I hope and pray I don’t meet the fates of the other people pleasers. A lot of us tend to find solace in a needle or a shotgun. I don’t care to meet either.

I know this much. You will NEVER understand what makes me tick. It is not that I don’t want you too, because believe me I do. I think that is the one thing any fish wants…to be understood. Yet it is the most elusive prize in the universe.

The clever lion thinks he knows my tactics, the Gemini will always flip sides faster than I can. The Scorpio will lure me in for the sting, the Aquarian will leave me shaking my head. The Capricorn will leave me cold. The Libra and Sagittarius will agree that we should stay out of each other’s way. The other fish will be far too slippery for my grip. The Aries and Taurus will be too firm with their own stance. The Virgo will judge me. The Cancer is my brother. Cancer seems to have it all figured out. We both know what is cooking. Cancer just knows enough not to stand so close to the stove.

I totally called this one just like the “Dukes of Hazard” movie and that skit on Chappelle’s Show called “Trading Spouses.” Methinks I should procure a job predicting trends. As Travis said…I’m tied to the 90’s.

Hurray for Bill.


Seriously, thank god he said something. Maybe I understand the dichotomy of this cultural clash because I work with African American college students all day. Maybe I understand how much things have changed because I was raised in a world that was just beginning to indoctrinate children with the belief that the color of your skin made little, if any, difference in who you are as a person.


So now Bill Cosby has to be the martyr? He has done more for race relations than anyone I can think of. Malcolm X didn’t make it into my home and Martin Luther King Junior was brought up once a year at best. My childhood is, however, filled with memories of “Picture Pages” and “Fat Albert” and of course, every Thursday growing up with little Rudy on NBC.

So why then does the racial climate feel so different these days? Just like Doctor Cosby pointed out last week to a stunned crowd…parents stopped being parents. Somewhere along the line everyone just cut his or her child loose. In the suburbs, kids are immersing themselves in an imagined culture of violence and it all too often seems to morph itself into real violence ALA Columbine.

In the inner city, single Mothers are the only ones that are sticking around to raise their children. So little boys are left to the streets to look for a father figure. Just who do they find? Pimps and dealers. These are the young men who children look up to because they have the Escalades and the two-way pagers and most of all the money. At home, Mom comes home from a 36-hour workday too exhausted to spend time with her children.

We need to rethink our society because kids today are being raised with violent images. It doesn’t matter if they see them on the street corner or on their Playstation. Without adults around to explain or at least temper what the kids are seeing with some advice, we’re loosing a whole generation. Their complete disregard for the English language and their inability to pay attention to something more than 30 seconds long are just byproducts of a society of no guidance, no ramifications and no regard for anyone but yourself and your need for instant gratification.

The only mistake the Cos made was trying to address these problems with one target audience. I think the problem extends well beyond the boundaries of race or economics. Kids today are raising themselves more and more. Growing up in the 70s and 80s we watched a lot more TV than the previous generation and our Mom’s took jobs outside the home and all too often our households were single parent homes. The difference is most parents took an active interest in their children and didn’t depend on the school system and Nickelodeon to raise us.

Ah, its spring again. Everyone is pair bonding. Except these days 99% are not trying to produce off spring. So what drives us, besides the biological imperative, to find another to spend our lives with? I would have to get an abacus out to count all the people I know who are in relationships and marriages and are absolutely miserable. So should we throw the baby out with the bath water? Is “love” as we know it an exercise in futility? In all likelihood, I’d say yes. Truly how many people are happy in a marriage? A happily married couple is by far the exception and not the rule.

I have always said that if every plane that left the terminal crashed 50% of the time, I would start taking the bus everywhere. You may not know me, so you probably think I’m some heartless calculating bastard. The truth is I am about as emotional as a Lifetime movie. I cry, I care for others; I feed ducks and get turtles out of the road. This begs the question why I am so bitter on love. Have I been hurt? Sure, who hasn’t?

I’m just done with the whole concept. That is all it really is. Love is an isolated event that you can feel for a moment or several moments until ultimately that feeling either fades away or one or both of you get hurt and the bitterness ensues. So yes, marriages do sometimes work in our society, but they are usually the result of two people vowing to make it a success no matter what the cost or effort. This notion of love that we get from Hollywood just isn’t real.

I’m sure we all have a soul mate somewhere (right). If you go by this definition, then the concept is impossible. Seriously, how can you have every one of these factors? You might have one or two and maybe even all three for a short while. Can two people exist as a single entity? I suppose it is possible, but I don’t think its likely.

Shyness is nice and shyness can stop you from doing all the things in life you’d like too.


I’ve always found it funny that those of us who are shy are also the first one’s to get up on stage and perform and most of us have more friends than we can possibly handle. What an odd thing. The more classic extroverts I talk too, the more I realize they truly are some of the most freighted people in the world and also quite often a bit lonely. I’m definitely not a psychologist, but I will speculate that the more extroverted you are, the more likely you are to be petrified of public opinion. I have my share of neuroses, but I’m also always trying to overcome my shyness. Ultimately, I think I end up getting the best of both worlds.

I can hop on stage and be a horrible actor or get up in front of a bar of people and sing bad karaoke. Why does this not scare me? Well, it does, BUT I think the difference for us shy folks is the fact we expected to go unnoticed in the crowd. So if we are lousy showmen, what differences does it make? We don’t look for the approval of everyone else, nor do we much care if they don’t approve. We can quietly slip back into our own universe.

The other thing I have noticed about extroverts is that you people hardly ever listen. I’m serious. You’d be hard pressed to find an extrovert who has a real genuine friendship with somebody (unless of course its their introvert friend who has to sit through the retelling of their latest crisis). Truthfully extroverts are pretty boring people. Its great that you can talk up someone out at the Laundromat, or bar, or grocery store. You’ll carry on a 5-minute conversation and never see them again. Worse yet, if they’re of the opposite sex you’ll get their number, go out on one date and talk their head off. Then, you’re right back to square one.

So what’s so great about being a shrinking violet? Well for starters we think about what we’re going to say. Diarrhea of the mouth is one of the hardest messes to clean up after. So when an introvert says something its usually pretty insightful or at least well thought out. A lot of us are pretty clever and quick witted in the right environment. So maybe we don’t do so great with confrontations and arguments. Chances are we’ll go home and write you and elegant 16-page dissertation explaining our viewpoint, but you’ll never read it because you’ll be too busy chatting with a waiter or cashier or someone else who will forget everything you said in 5 minutes. I can not imagine a life of single serving friendships.

Everyday I see evidence that the world is going to hell in a hand basket. Ask yourself; in a normal world does he stand a chance with her? At first I thought the relationship was a media stunt. Then I realized she wouldn’t really need the guy for any career enhancement. Not to mention they both deny they're dating. I can understand why she would. So maybe love is blind after all.


I went to my nephew’s graduation last night. It sounds weird to say that. I don’t feel old though, because my sister is much older than I am. Thus I can attend my nephew's graduation when I’m still in my 20s. A small part of me worries that I’ll die alone and single. I do realize that I was surrounded by rednecks, so maybe seeing all those proud 35 year old parents with graduating seniors warped my perception. You have to love the irrational element. Even if I did, would it be so bad. To quote that great philosopher Jay Z (who must be doing something right since he is currently with world renowned hottie #1) “I got 99 problems, but a b*t*h ain’t one.” I probably have more like 138 problems, but I have to respect the author.


So anyway, as I was saying, I’m at my neph’s graduation. It was sort of fun to go back and revisit the night 10 years after my own graduation. Things haven’t changed too much. The Ataris replaced Pearl Jam and long hair is back, only this time its shaggy and under a trucker’s hat. Maybe being a high school senior is pretty much the same no matter when it happens. In the crowd I spotted all the old cliques. The valedictorian was going on to be a rocket scientist, but yet he gave a speech about football. So maybe all valedictorians are kind of cool underneath the 4.86 G.P.A. I’m still good friends with my high school valedictorian, so that has to tell you something about their character.


So do I long for the days gone by? In some ways yes, but I don’t suspect I would want to relive the anxiety of being in high school again. I’m starting to think the elements that made mine so unique are not really unique at all. You have all the jocks, stoners, band geeks, preppies and nerds just like back in 1994 (or 1984,1974,1964,1954,1944…) Before you know it, young Andrew will be looking back on his high school graduation through a decade of clarity. While the world is a vastly different place, I’m sure today’s graduates went through the same quests to find acceptance, friendship and love. They’ll spend the rest of their lives searching for the very things they worked so hard to find at 18. Little do they know the responsibilities and ramifications will grow exponentially from the moment they say their goodbyes and walk off that football field and into their adult lives. Not to mention how quickly the next decade will change from possibilities to memories.

I’m gonna dust of the soap box here (dust, dust) and point out that this guy didn’t show up for duty for a couple of legitimate reasons. Unlike el presidente who didn’t show up for National Guard duty because he was hung over.

Could it really be so simple? I saw a therapist yesterday and she made a lot of sense. I was half expecting a drug pusher or a total flake. Somewhere in between fell this woman. She started really taking notes in the beginning and I guess when she missed buzz words like “cut myself” or “thoughts of suicide” she realized I wasn’t as depressed as a lot of people. She very quickly cut through the crap that we all wear as a shield.

It didn’t take her long to determine I am an approval seeker and I tend to internalize things. I was pretty impressed by that. So she is going to work with me to help build my confidence and most importantly to help me get over being so very sensitive to everything. While you can not change the essence of who you are, you can get tools that help you cope with your weaknesses and monopolize on your strengths.

The hardest thing she asked me to do was cut sugar and white flour. I’m beginning to realize I’m an addict. I suspect I’m not alone.

Well tomorrow I get to pass the whole jumbled mess over to a professional. If only it was that easy! Ha! Well at least maybe she can help me sort and organize a little bit of what has become what I affectionately call “The Artist Formerly Known As My Life.” To some degree I think it is being held together pretty well right now, but the truth is I’m just trying to maintain that façade for my own sanity.

The first thing that has been the toughest to deal with is my Grandma passing. I knew she was ill with cancer and that she was going to go. What I didn’t count on was the tremendous guilt and sense of loss. I keep thinking that there were so many things I could have done for her. She asked me at one point to move in and help her. I have to keep reminding myself that the reason that I didn’t move in was because I knew it would not be good for either of us and I also knew that he would get to the point where she would need help bathing and going to the bathroom. These are things that I very well could have helped her with, but I suspect neither of us would have wanted it to come to that point.

Today I got an email from my Aunt. She wanted to tell me her professional opinion concerning my Dad. She is a nurse with a master’s degree and her husband is a doctor and they both agree my Dad’s time is pretty limited. He has decided to go off the treatment that is keeping his cancer under control. “Decided” meaning he already stopped the shots a while back. The side effects have made him miserable. My aunt thinks the cancer will likely take off at this point. How fast or how fatal is anyone’s guess, but it is there and ready to ravage.

Meanwhile my Mom is currently as far away as one could get and still be on earth. She has been really pushing for me to come visit her in Australia. Unfortunately I have neither the vacation time nor the funds to get there. She has hinted at some health problems. She was not able to come for her own mother’s funeral. I can not even begin to imagine what that must have been like to deal with thousands of miles away from your family. So I suspect her problems are more than I know, since it would take a lot to keep her from coming to Grandma’s funeral.

Last but not least I saw my ex and her daughter a few weeks back. It was probably the hardest afternoon of my life. We played hide and seek and monster games and I even let her cover my face in jewelry. For a couple of hours we were both right back in 2002. The whole time I was hanging out with this little girl I kept thinking about the part in that movie “A.I” where the little boy’s dream is to have his Mommy back. He gets to see her again, but only for one day. How heartbreaking is that? I think we had the exact same day a few weeks back.

It absolutely breaks my heart seeing this little girl who still thinks of me as her Daddy. I want nothing more than to be a father to her. Yet it is unfair to her to try and remain part of her life. Not only does it keep her Mom and I from ever moving on, but the worst part is it continues the promise of a family that will never be. I am not her father no matter how much I may want to be and things with her mother and I didn’t work out.
I can not imply or promise the very same false hope of happiness, contentment or love that have been dangled in front of my face for years to some poor child knowing I can not deliver the goods. In some ways the best thing any caring person could ever do is find a dark hole somewhere and attempt to stay there until this thing we call life blows over. Yet if you choose that route you only seem to end up more miserable than when you started. It’s a whole new spin on damned if you do and damned if you don’t. Some days I just wish I could solve my problems with beer and football.

I tell you people, there is poetry in everything. I wish I had penned the line “Spermatophores were seen hanging from J-1's siphon.” That’s just freaking romantic. Read the whole smutty thing here.



My cell phone died for the second time with this model in two years. Please consider yourself warned. It has a nasty habit of the speaker deciding unannounced to stop working. How do I know? Because I tried to use it at lunch when I went out to the parking lot to find what was left of my front tire. It almost looks like someone slashed it because
it is torn to pieces. Thank God I was not on I95. So I called AAA and I was on hold for 30 minutes. I knew time was of the essence because I had to get the tire done so I can go home tonight. So finally I changed
the thing myself. Good times in work clothes in the Florida sun. The best part was the stupid spare was flat too! Luckily one of my coworkers has one of those pumps that hooks to the lighter. So I got that inflated and went to Tire Kingdom. I don’t know who rules the Tire Kingdom monarchy, but you can bet he’ll be buying mead and turkey legs tonight with 200 of my Washingtons.

What is it with everything coming out on DVD now? It seems like shows we were content to have buried in pop culture history are now resurfacing in DVD format. I wonder why this never really happened with VHS. I guess the idea is that DVDs last a lot longer and maintain their quality. You have to wonder who is really going to watch “Sanford and Son” Season 1 so many times it would wear out?

“Elizabeth, I’m coming to meet you!”

While I’m on the subject, I’ll address something else that is completely unrelated and ask where was Rush Limbaugh during Vietnam? The other day he was criticizing Senator John McCain for getting upset about the lovely photos we all got from Iraq. El Rushbo said something along the lines of “getting photographed naked would be McCain’s finest day at Hanoi.” How would Rushy know? He was sitting at home with an anal cyst.

You might ask yourself why I’m not serving my country. Well I had open-heart surgery as a child. I cannot serve my country. If I could, I would. On the other hand, this “war” is about the last thing any American service man or woman should give their lives for. By the time this whole fiasco is done in Iraq our country will be so far in debt the men and women coming back from duty will be hard pressed to find a job, let alone afford gas.

Why then is the world so ignorant to what is going on here? Shrub has managed to pillage our surplus and drive gas to an all time high, jobs to an all time low and personal bankruptcies among Americans to a record surge. I just hope you all have enough common sense not to elect this guy. I didn’t say reelect because I still don’t believe he won the first time. I guess I am a bleed heart liberal. If that means believing in things like duty to country, war with purpose or taking credit for your own mistakes then yes I am a total and complete lib!

I wish the republicans would put a man of integrity on their ballot. John McCain was just such a man. I don’t recall him ever being questioned in his duty to the country nor does he seem to be suckling from the teat of big business. We now live in a nation completely governed by businesses that have more rights than you or I. Guess what, those same forces got W in office once and I’m afraid they’re getting ready for a repeat. I would say get out and vote, but if you’re a Floridian like me, rest assured the electronic ballot will make us all “Bush men.”

By the way, don’t sweat the gas prices. I have a hunch they’ll go down right before Election Day.

Yesterday I hit a snake. I feel horribly guilty about it. I guess the fact I’m one of these wimps that feels bad about killing a roach makes me sort of, uh, weak. I’m not proud of it, but I’d rather be seen as a wimp then recognize the dark nature of a murderer in myself.

I have to question why I care. If you go by the Judeo-Christian teachings, we are suppose to have dominion over the animals and with the snake being enemy #1, he should be the first target of our wrath as the thinking, superior intelligent over lords of this planet. The truth is I am petrified of snakes. Grass snakes, Black Racers or Cobras. I make no distinction. They all scare me.


So I have to ask myself, did I make the best attempt I could have to not hit this snake. He was really trucking across the road. I remember seeing him in the road with the sun glistening off his back. Then next thing I know he is in my rearview balled up in agony. I did swerve, but I really still feel like part of me wanted to hit the little guy. He was just minding his own business.

If I have children I want to instill in them compassion. You shouldn’t hurt something else just because you don’t like it or worse yet, simply because you fear it. If the world operated like that, we’d be sending troops to eve…never mind, the world does operate like that. I just hoped for myself I could transcend the human desire to squelch one’s enemies real or imagined.

I’m at an absolutely nutty point right now. I’ve fallen so far behind on work, school and whatever else one can fall behind on. Between Grandma passing and going to Ohio last week it has been a crazy month.

I had a great time in the frosty north. Yes, it was pretty cold. When I left Cleveland it was about 42 degrees. Did I mention it rained the entire time I was there? I did meet some great people though. Honestly, my friend Brian is such an awesome guy. His friends came from all corners of the world to see him get married. It was a great wedding and his brother gave the most touching toast I’ve heard in a long time. Sometimes I get jealous when I see people who have this great relationship with their siblings. Yet, I’m starting to suspect it is the exception and not the “norm” to really be close with your brother or sister.

So here’s the deal. I am doing great in grad school (despite finally loosing my 4.0). I could be done with a degree in Information Systems in March. The problem is I don’t feel my heart is in this. It is not what I’m called to do. Weird how you can deny this for only so long. I really want to be a counselor of some type specifically I’d like to work with children.


So this career track is thankless, pays crap and could even put me in the way of physical harm. Not to mention it will be emotionally and physically draining. For some reason I’m really drawn to it. My family has always joked that I am a minister without a church. So maybe I could do this type of work as my ministry in life. I don’t side with the evangelicals on anything and I’m certainly not committing to a priest’s lifestyle, although I live it now without being on the Vatican payroll. So maybe, just maybe, this is it. I’ll have to think about it for a while.