I use to be one of these people that avoided exercise like the plague. I have a heart condition, so basically after 7th grade, I never took another P.E. class. OK, I took bowling in college. I thought it would be an easy A. It turned into a B that I had to earn. Who knew there was so much calculus in bowling? Seriously, our final involved graphs and charts on how to properly approach the lane and get spin on the ball. The good news is I’m a pretty good bowler to this day. The bad news is that bowling doesn’t demand respect and admiration, nor does it leave one knee deep in benjamins and babes.


So back to my point, I use to avoid exercise. I also use to smoke and eat whole pizzas. These were the kind of things you could get away with as a teenager and in your early twenties. Eventually it starts to catch up with you and one day you notice your pants don’t fit. I’ve never been skinny and have always lived with the knowledge I could loose a few pounds. What I couldn’t accept was having to purchase new clothes. I’m poor and getting a new wardrobe just because my metabolism has announced its retirement was not an option.


So here I am as the anti-fitness guru. I don’t know that my advice will help anyone. Who knows if anyone will read it? What I have discovered is that a lot of what we are told about health and weight loss is total BS. Sure you can do the Atkins Diet and drop 40 lbs, but at what price and how long can you maintain eating meat all the time? I know the diet allows for more than meat, but the truth is you’re going to be putting some slab of beef, pork, poultry or seafood at the center of everything you eat until you die or decide the diet is ridiculous.


Here are two things that will shock the American public. I don’t want to say it because it is earth shattering, but (now might be a good time to grab a pen) the only way to loose weight and maintain it is to eat less and exercise. Its true. Trust me, I have loss the same 10-15 pounds enough times to swear by this. The best part is when it comes to eating less, you have the best tool possible already built into your body. Trust your feelings. If you feel tired or bloated after a meal, chances are you ate too much. The truth is our stomachs are about the size of a clenched fist. I don’t know about you, but the average value meal takes about 4 of my fists.

The truth is a restrictive diet isn’t going to work. I was a vegetarian for over a year and I walked around hungry all the time. I’m not saying you need meat to survive, but I failed to make proper arrangements to have my protein needs met. The healthiest part about being a vegetarian is it automatically reduces your fat intake. That is if you don’t go around having veggie subs with lots of mayo or eat an egg sandwich for breakfast. If you feel deprived, your will power will only get you so far.

The same can be said for the high protein regimen. You don’t know what cravings feel like until you have had a headache for 72 hours straight and would kill someone to eat an Oreo if you thought you could get away with either. Eventually the “you only live once” mentality takes over and you find something breaded, sugary and fried. Preferably all three. I recommend the Monte Cristo at Bennigans.

If you have a craving… indulge it. Yes, in our super sized modern world, you have to be mindful of your portions. A few Pringles will not hurt you. A whole canister will. Maybe you’ve noticed too that once you stuff your face and get that rush of endorphins it doesn’t take long before you are ready to down another handful. It becomes a never ending cycle for some people. I guess in many ways I was lucky being a fat kid. It made me mindful of what I ate. It seems a lot of folks my age are finding their metabolism getting sluggish and they’ve never had to execute control over what they ate.

The truth is diet might be more important than exercise. I know plenty of skinny people that don’t exercise and plenty of fat people that hit the gym every day. I fell victim to the idea that going to the gym gave me a free license to eat whatever I want. Then one day I noticed that 45 minutes on the exercise bike was burning off about 140 calories. That’s barely a can of Coke. I don’t know about you, but I don’t want to work that hard to indulge in one stupid Coke and I’m pretty addicted to the sugar water.

If you do decide to hit the gym, know that if can be your worst enemy. Not only does exercising not give you a free pass to eat as much as you want, but what you do at the gym can bless or curse you. When I started my membership back in January of 2003, I started out doing the exercise bike. Mainly I did the exercise bike, because it was the one thing I could do. It didn’t take long before I realized I was no longer breaking a sweat doing 45 minutes on the bike. Not to mention 45 minutes is a long time to work to burn off 140 calories.

So I recently took another shot at running. I have tried a few times in my life to get into running because it seems to enthrall people in this cult-like following. All these rail thin people who get up at 5 AM must know something I don’t, because they certainly aren’t out there to sweat off extra pounds. As best as I can tell, the appeal of running is when it ends. It is miserable while you do it and sometimes it even gets painful, but when you’ve done a good workout and you spend the rest of the day sore, you know you didn’t waste your time at the gym. 20 minutes on the treadmill burns more calories and gives you a better workout than an hour of most other cardio routines.

Yes, I know, running is awful. It hurts and it winds you and really doesn’t feel good while you do it nor does it feel great afterwards. I made several ill fated attempts at running myself, including a 5K where I proudly finished right after some elderly people and a guy with crutches. What an embarrassment at 25 and it was enough to keep me away from the sport for over 2 years. Yet in all this time I have had a longing to get back on the bandwagon, or better yet to stride proudly beside it.

So a few weeks back I decided to run a little every time I go to the gym. I announced this to my cousin and brother and the bartender who was apparently listening in on our conversation. When my brother asked me how far I planned to run, I said I was using time as a guideline. So he asked me how long and I said 1 minute. The bartender had to go to the break room she was laughing so hard. Talk about an ego boost.

My goal was well calculated. I knew I could run a minute. In fact, on good days I had run up to 5 minutes. So 1 minute would be nothing and on that fateful day I ran 1 minute. Two days later I ran two and two days after that I ran three. As I have gotten to actual distance markers (like a ½ miles and miles) I have actually had to hold myself back. Otherwise, I’d be tearing up my knees and joints. So I set out on a simple goal. I just wanted to be able to run for 20 minutes non stop. I’m almost there.

I haven’t lost tons of weight, nor am I setting land speed records. I am proud that over that last couple of years I have learned to exercise and eat in moderation. It has paid off, since I managed to quit smoking and not gain a lot of weight from that. I’m pretty proud to say I have managed to stay in the same size pants the last 5 years. They’ve waffled between tight and almost falling off, but I have resolved no matter what that I will not allow myself to move up to the next size. I’ve also resolved that going down a size is a nice goal, but there are other rewards to being healthy.

What a class act!

Ignorance truly is bliss. Sometimes I wonder if I might be better off just not caring. I use to not care one bit about politics. I found the whole process completely uninteresting and of little significance to me. What do I care about politics? I have no aspirations to ever run for office nor am I really one to rally behind a cause. I think the left and right are so blinded by their hatred for one another that it is amazing anything gets done in Washington. I may not blindly follow a cause or adhere to a party agenda. I do, however, care about individuals.

Lately it seems the present administration has written off the average person as simply a cog in the wheel of their master plan. Who can blame them? Ours is a world designed for dehumanization. Most of us get our daily “nutrition” wrapped up in a paper bag and served the exact same way in Sarasota as it is in Seattle. We commute in our SUVs and hope that being 5 feet off the ground will protect us from the world. We wear clothes made in sweatshops and listen to music that embodies the anger and isolation that everyone seems to be collectively fighting right now. Of course, when the day is done and we’ve done our 12 hours in the office, it is back to bed so we can do it all over again.


So why are we so miserable, yet so apathetic? Perhaps this is just a reflection of the millions of little contrasts in our daily lives. The present administration ran on a platform of smaller government, yet now more than ever we feel the almighty gaze of Big Brother. The Patriot Act has virtually nullified the constitution. We’re told to be strong as a nation and keep living our lives. Yet I get thoroughly searched every time I fly anywhere because my name has lots of consonants next to each other. Maybe I’m just lucky and managed to make one of the watch lists.

You may ask yourself how we came to this point as a nation. We once stood for personal liberty. The capitalism that the Republican Party loves so much is based on a free market economy when anyone who offers a good product at a fair price gets ahead. It seems that our present administration is working overtime to give corporations the same rights as individuals. More often than not, corporations have more rights. Why shouldn’t they? They do put money into our economy and provide jobs.

At what expense has America become homogenized? The individual is susceptible to having their home, personal records and person searched on mere suspicion. The American dream has been crushed under the thumb of corporations. Small businesses are unable to survive when they’re up against Wal-Mart and Starbucks. Corporations have lobbyist and investors on their side. All too often those same investors are the people running our country, state and city. With one hand in the pocket of a CEO and the other waving to constituents, it is hard to believe politicians have our best interests in mind.

Capitalism as we know it today is not the free market economy it once was. Sure corporations come out ahead because they offer products cheaper than competitors. Rest assured they’re still making a profit. Maybe they outsource their Information Technology department to India or open a factory in Taipei. The savings get passed along to the consumer for sure. If these unethical practices were not tolerated by our government, then we would have true capitalism. Every business, large or small, should be held to the same standards.

If Nike stopped using sweatshops and Starbucks had to buy coffee that was fair trade, then maybe the “little guy” would stand a chance at having a piece of the American dream. Honestly, there is enough to go around. I’m not advocating a society were everyone gets all their needs met out of a sense of obligation. The world owes me nothing and it owes you the same. Yet we all deserve a fair shot at success. Right now, a very small group is making decisions for the rest of us. They are the CEOs of huge corporations and their corrupted counterparts in government. Sometimes they are one in the same.

This coming November you have a choice. Sadly, it will be the lesser of two evils. I don’t doubt that John Kerry has his fair share of corruption. Something tells me everyone is Washington is unclean. I don’t know about you, but I don’t mind if my president married the heiress to a ketchup fortune. I’d rather see a president with a vested interest in condiments than one who’s pockets are filled by the civilian contractors that benefit so much from the “wars” he creates. I’m Jon Crosby and I approve this message.

“There’s an upside, there has to be an upside”
~the Posies

Blame what I call the I-Pod of the mind, but I have had that line stuff in my brain all week. That at the Pet Shop Boys version of “You Were Always on My Mind.” Amazingly enough I found the Pet Shop Boys used for about $2 on Amazon. It is great when your musical tastes are outdated. You can score cheap CDs.


So Fahrenheit 911 drops tonight. Yes, I used the slang word “drops.” It just sounds so cool. Anyway, the film is a Michael Moore joint and if you haven’t heard of it, what cave in Tora Bora were you hiding in?


I got published again. Hopefully I’m on my way to having a job writing.

I have found the lethal combination that’s going to make me anorexic. Mix the following. 1 Claritin-D 24 hour allergy pill and two cups of coffee. You could power the city of Detroit on my fidgeting. This morning, I couldn’t finish a bowl of cereal. Its 1:30 and I am not at all interested in lunch yet. This is strange. I’ve never taken an over the counter medicine with this strong of an effect. It definitely cleared up my sinuses and as an added bonus; I have the appetite of Paris Hilton. Imagine if I threw cigarettes into the mix.

I’m going to put on my motherly hat right now and point out what is so utterly wrong with Hollywood’s message to our little girls. I’m sure you’ve noticed the barely teenage girls in hootchie momma gear walking around your home town. I hope and pray this trend passes. I’m not even remotely conservative, but I do think it is ridiculous when a 22 year old actor can play the love interest of a 15 year old actress. Case in point…Sleepover. The little girl from Spy Kids is romantically linked with some guy with a 5 o’clock shadow. I guess I shouldn’t expect much from the same town that lets people my age play high schools students, but this is one case where I think they should have been more sensitive to age difference.

cha ching! I think I'm going back to smoking tomorrow. According to this report, I have a good 21 months to smoke my brains out and have no ill effects.

I’m in love. She’s cool, she’s brown and she’s new in town.

Let me be the first to say I will gladly offer myself to a corporate conglomerate for money. So if they need a spokes model, they should drop me a line. I'm just out of shape enough to care about calories, but too self serving to suffer through the taste of Diet Coke. I think I'm their target audience. What a genius concept. I'm honestly surprised both New Coke and Lemon or Lime Coke made it off the assembly line first.

I haven’t awoken from a dream startled in a long time. Basically, this girl I haven’t seen since high school and hardly knew even back then was helping me clean out my closet. She found two snakes. One was poisonous and the other was not. Each one lived in one of those old Crown Royal bags that people tend to hang on to. (You know the blue ones with the ropes around the top.) She also found two handguns. The dream finally ended when the head of a salamander fell out and landed on the floor and we both jumped back. Salamanders, of course, or quite ugly but completely harmless. So anyway, I wanted to write this down while I remembered it because it jarred me enough to wake up. Drop me an email or leave a comment and tell me what you make of this. I’m sure it is some weird Freudian thing and I’d like to know what it might mean since it was enough to wake me up way too early. I should also add that I hate both snakes and guns and would never own either. I remember very clearly being filled with lots of anxiety about how to get rid of both the snakes and the guns since I know they could be harmful in the wrong hands. I did decide to let the non-poisonous snake go for what its worth

It is funny how some weeks, months, days and years are worse than others. Some just really do their best to damage a part of who you are. Tragedy can rob your ability to laugh and bad luck can destroy your self esteem. Not so long ago, I was a high school teacher. On one Tuesday morning my principal came in and did my first review. As luck would have it the kids were awful that morning. They couldn’t concentrate and they kept asking me questions forgetting such etiquette as raising their hands to speak or staying in their seats. They kept getting up to look out the window or blurting out questions asking me “what’s going on?”


That day was 9-11-01. I will never forget that day and what it did to anyone who was alive that day. In some small way, it ruined my life. I had finally gotten a job doing what I loved and 9-11 brought that to an end. So, after almost 3 years of trying to build up the nerve to apply for a teaching job again, I finally took the initiative this spring. Three days ago the rejection letters starting coming in.

What happened to the shortage of teachers, or the need for young teachers or even more rare are the young male teachers? I don’t understand why this wall has been built between me and a career in teaching. I guess I am going to have to accept this isn’t what I’m suppose to do with my life, because this rejection is really digging up some suppressed memories for me and really sending my self worth into the toilet.

As if the whole thing couldn’t come at a worse time, I took another shot finding a relationship last month. This time I gave eharmony a try. It is all over the radio, TV and internet as a great way to match you with a highly compatible mate. Great, huh? So I signed up and got lots of matches. In fact, it looks like the one place on the internet where there are more women then men. Anyway, you reply back and forth for a while and then you exchange pictures. Every woman I have met on there has been a great match until the picture exchange. Then, they don’t email me back. That’s quite an ego booster let me tell you.


Part of me wants to hear a positive affirmation from somebody like “no Jon, you are quite handsome and a great teacher.” A larger part of me doesn’t believe in either. The biggest part of me knows I’m not the best looking man in the world, nor am I the best teacher. After I accept those two facts, what do I do next?

I decided to take a crack at making one of these things since I seem to get a lot of them and often they’re uninspired. Cut and paste and make the answers apply to you. Then, pass it around man, but don’t Bogart.

Name you wish you were born with
Cornelius Autoban Freebird Salamander

Astrological sign
Pisces

Sign you have had the most luck with in relationships (friends, love, etc)
Usually cancers

Celebrity you are most often told you resemble.
Unfortunately, Jimmy Kimmel

Celebrity you wish you resembled.
George Clooney


Describe how you currently look for those of us who haven’t seen you in a while.
Kind of scary. I have a shaved head and goatee.

Do you still own toys from your childhood? Up until a couple of years ago I did


What are they?
Lots of Star Wars stuff.

What about society today tells you the world is surely coming to an end?
Nu metal and its ilk. In a world where Linkin Park tops the charts, our time must be running out.


What trend makes you feel “out of touch” with your youth?
Trucker hats!

What CD are you most ashamed to own?
It’s a tie between Paula Abdul’s Spellbound and Chumbawamba

Favorite show of the early 90s?
Parker Lewis Can’t Loose

Favorite show today?
Chappelle’s Show

What campaign theme song would you give John Kerry?
“Nothing but Flowers” by Talking Heads. The line “and as things fell apart nobody paid much attention” really comes to mind.

How about George W.?
AC/DC’s “Back In the Saddle Again”. It just fits his cowboy attitude.

Go ahead and give Nader one to.
“If I Had A Million Dollars” changed to “If I Had A Million Voters”

Dennis Kucinich?
I’d change the REM classic to “What’s the Frequency Kucinich?”

Which “Spice Girl” was your favorite?
Baby Spice. She showed us all chubby can be sexy.

If you could live at any period in history, when would you live and why?
I’d do the 90s again. What a strange period in history where almost anything goes. There isn’t one trend or style or any other standard I can pin the 90s down to and that makes them great.


Which celebrity would you marry?
Lisa Loeb, but she is already married, so I’d let Janeane Garofalo boss me around I guess.

If you had one wish to change something about yourself, what would it be?
I’d be more confident

What is your favorite movie quote?
Currently it is from “Fight Club”
“she was like that itch at the roof of your mouth that would heal if you could only stop tounging it”

That’s descriptive

How should we get out of Iraq?
As quickly as possible. That’s my exit strategy. We need to beg the UN to forgive us and admit we bit off more than we could chew.

Which old TV show is least likely to be made into a major movie?
“Facts of Life”. I’d be first in line to see it though.

Book you most want to see made into a movie?
“Fast Food Nation”

What time would you get up if you didn’t have to awake for anything?
Probably 8 I’m sorry to say. I miss sleeping in, but I just can’t do it these days.

Do you like what you do for a living?
Nope

What would you do if money and expectations where not an option?
Write the great American novel.

What was the saddest memory of the last year?
Seeing my Grandma for the last time

What was your happiest?
Speaking at her funeral and feeling I made her proud.

What is your favorite thing to wear (jewelry, clothes, etc) that no one else seems to like?
Elvis glasses thank you very much.

Honestly, who do you think would do the best job portraying you in a movie?
Probably Jack Black if you could get him off the powder long enough.


What would you title the movie?
“A Awe Inspiring Film of Greatness”

Most embarrassing nickname? Crotchy

What word or phrase are you trying to bring back?
If someone says they love something, then you must ask “then why don’t you marry it?”

Star Trek, Star Wars, Buffy or do you hate them all?
Star Wars for sure

Which character do you most relate to from the three?
Yoda, because I’m so darn wise. Most people nod their heads and listen, but no one takes my advice to heart.

Tell us an author you think is under rated or is worth checking out?
Tony Parsons “Man and Boy”

Which band do you think deserves more credit than they receive?
Travis. Nope they are not hip or ground breaking, but they are great (last album excluded)

What idea do you have that will make you a fortune if you ever get it off the ground?
Fire and Gadgets magazine. Gay, straight, black, white, short, tall, fat or thin every man loves FIRE and GADGETS. I just need a better name for it. Just picture 100 glossy pages of great bonfires and cool gadgets.

Lastly, tell us something funny about the person who sent this to you.

I made it up, so I guess I can’t say anything. OK, he sucked his thumb until he was 17.

My skin is bare
My skin is theirs

I feel like newborn
And I feel like a newborn
Awake on my airplane
Awake on my airplane
I feel so real

Could you take my picture
Cause I won't remember

~Filter

So alcohol and clippers don't mix and again, I find myself facing July and a bald head. Last year, I vowed never to have a shaved head again. I know it looks retarded, but boy does it feel GOOD!

That was until I left my sunroof open on the way to work and got a sunburn.

I saw “Super Size Me” yesterday. It played nowhere near my home, but I was in Orlando and had the bright idea to see if it was playing anywhere around town. I got lucky, because movies like this are hard to come by in the south.

Rare is the movie that can change your life, but I think this one really has. We all know fast food is bad for us, but to watch someone’s health go right into the toilet in a matter of 4 weeks living on only fast food showed me how bad it really is. The film’s humor allowed its message to get across. The saddest part about the film is that every American should see this. Of course most will not. Maybe Will Smith will get inspired to do the exact same experiment and then the kids who need this message will get it.

I have read books like “Fast Food Nation” and “Fatland” and absorbed every word of both. Yet the message of how bad fast food really is didn’t sink in until I saw the effects emblazoned across a movie screen. Morgan Spurlock went from a lean and healthy man to someone who’s liver was fattened and failing in just 4 weeks. 4 weeks! Luckily, his girlfriend is a vegan chef, so she put him through detox after the experiment. . It took him the better part of a year to loose the 25 lbs he gained in a month and who knows what the long term effects of his experiment will be.

Trust me, this film is a lot more than just the story of some guy who ate McDonalds for a month. It touches on all the contributing factors to America’ obesity epidemic and really lays the groundwork for a grassroots effort to boycott fast food. If most Americans are relying on fast food to feed them, then its time we demanded a healthy selection. There is absolutely no reason for fast food to be as unhealthy as it is. Until things change, we should all eat at home more. No matter how busy you are, feeding your children a diet that will give them a lifetime of obesity, diabetes and heart failure before they’re old enough to have children of their own is just bad parenting. Just as the schools shouldn’t raise your kids, the Hamburglar shouldn’t be feeding them. They deserve a break today.

What an educating week I have had.


Here’s what I learned.


Firstly, I found even the most complicated and seemingly insurmountable task can be accomplished if you break it down into little pieces. I’m happy to report I know more about database management than I ever cared to. Salvaged or not, I’m not so much worried about the grade anymore as I am just plain proud of myself for sticking with the class despite how very hard it was. Tomorrow I submit everything and move on with my life.

The second lesson I learned is Nike shoes are damn comfortable. Maybe I’m turning into a cold and heartless bastard. I have spent years avoiding Nike like the plague due to their notorious sweatshop practices. Nothing upsets me more than the thought of a factory full of 5 year olds making my shoes. Those little hands are pretty skilled though, because their shoes are great. I tried buying New Balances and have come to find out they are great…for people with arches. I didn’t get my dad’s height, but I did get his flat feet.

Which brings me to lesson number 3. Don’t go to the gym with people who are much thinner than you. My roommate and I went to the gym the other day. We’ve both been kind of slack about going since he now has a girlfriend and I’ve been busy with a mistress known as graduate school. The first thing to greet us at the gym is the abdominal room. It looks like something from a Twisted Sister video crossed with a medieval torture room. If you really want to interrogate prisoners, make them do crunches.

So I’m starring at this inclined bench and thinking to myself how I have really neglected my abdominal muscles. They’re critical in supporting your back and overall posture. So I got on the benches and started to do crunches. Never mind that it is about the most uncomfortable position in the world (head near the ground, pelvis all up in everyone else’s face) but I made the mistake of doing them next to my roommate. His physique is more Jackie Chan. Mine is more Jack Black. Lesson learned. Workout alone. I did maybe 12 crunches. He did somewhere in the neighborhood of 40. I lost count because I was busy trying not to pass out.

I’m now going to apply the principles school recently taught me to my exercise regimen. Just because you have absolutely no talent at something doesn’t mean you shouldn’t do it. I call this the Yoko Ono principle. This should explain the new Nikes. Yes, I am going to take another crack at running. It seems to be the drug of choice among the exercise obsessed and lord knows I need a hit of something right now.

Let me be the first to tip a cyber 40 for Dutch Reagan and also to wish Mary-Kate and Ashley a happy 18th. All of the sudden pedophiles everywhere are living with less guilt. Speaking of sweatshop labor, these two overgrown Mon Chi-Chis* probably enslave 70% of the third world’s youth to make their crap for Wal-Mart. When is Bob Saget going to come out with his line?

*(To you Olsen twins fans I do recognize they are the super cool supreme center of the universe and way out of my league. Yes, I also recognize that is the impetus for me hating them and saying that they look like unattractive cartoon tree monkies from an obscure 80s cartoon)

Don't Panic!!!!


So one of my favorite books is now becoming a movie. Mos Def is catching a lot of flack for being cast, but I suspect he’ll do a bang up job. Sam Rockwell and Zooey Deschanel are always great and of course John Malkovich could star in a remake of “Cop Rock” and be fantastic. I don’t know a thing about Arthur Dent though. I’m sure the combination of good casting and a great story will come together just fine. Either way, I am excited. Maybe “Stranger In A Strange Land” will be next to get the Hollywood make over. Even better, it might get the Bollywood make over. An Indian musical about grokking would rule!

A pre-emptive apology.

I have finals this week and yes I have to make the best of that class that I’m currently bombing. Otherwise, my transcript is ruined and I have to pay for it. As an added bonus I’m getting sick. I usually know when I’m getting sick and all signs say I am getting sick. Lucky me huh? After this next week, “normal” should feel like a vacation. Anyway, see you then. Sorry for the silence.

Why do hipsters suck?

Fortunately I live in a cultural hellhole. The swamplands of Florida are about as deck as a third world cholera infested prison. Of course we still get a few pockets of resistance. These my friends are the worst of the hipsters…the hillbilly hipsters. They are two years behind their brothers and sisters in Brooklyn and along Ballard Ave. They drop names like “Death Cab for Cutie” and “Snow Patrol” and hope they’re the first to give such “underground” artists word of mouth in this land of mud flaps and margaritas. The truth is, they’re so horribly behind that the hella deck folks they imitate would get a hearty chuckle out of their attempts. Yes kids, having a “Planet of the Apes” lunch box is cute, but if you’re aligning yourself with this movement you must A) never admit alliance and B) move somewhere where you stand a chance of not being so horribly out of touch. The key to being a good hipster is to remain about 5 minutes ahead of the curve. I know my hipster slang is outdated, but I don’t live in a swanky big city where I could pick up the new lingo.


I gave myself the test just in case. From “The Hipster Handbook” comes these signs you might be a hipster

1. You graduated from a liberal arts school whose football team hasn't won a game since the Reagan administration.

My college didn’t even HAVE a football team.

2. You frequently use the term "post-modern" (or its commonly used variation "PoMo") as an adjective, noun, and verb.
Nope, but I say “Circa” a lot. That shirt is very Burt Reynolds circa 1982.

3. You carry a shoulder-strap messenger bag and have at one time or another worn a pair of horn-rimmed or Elvis Costello-style glasses.
I own both, but sport neither.

4. You have one Republican friend who you always describe as being your "one Republican friend."
My Republican friend does exist and yes, he is outnumbered.

5. Your hair looks best unwashed and you position your head on your pillow at night in a way that will really maximize your cowlicks.
My hair has had a mind of its own since I was a kid. I doing a very un-hipster thing and keep it short most of the time.

6. You own records put out by Matador, DFA, Definitive Jux, Dischord, Warp, Thrill Jockey, Smells Like Records, and Drag City.
They forgot Sympathy for theRecord Industry and Rough Trade. Not to mention Sub Pop and Vagrant.

All I can say is I liked Sunny Day Real Estate a decade ago while most of the “hipsters” where jamming out to “Whoomp, there it is.” Except back then when you had crappy hair and loved 70’s clothing and listened to music that would get you beat up you were called a dork I’m proud to say I still am. I just never suspected we’d spawn a sub culture.

It’s funny how fate gives you a nudge sometimes. I just got a grade of 60 on an assignment. I don’t think it is the first F I have ever received, but it is the first one I have received in recent memory. I don’t suspect I am going to outright fail the course, BUT I’d be lucky to get a C in it. So the computer and technology route definitely isn’t for me. How disappointing is that? I got half way through a masters with honors and then hit this wall. The truth is my Grandmother passed away at the beginning of the term and I have not caught up since. It took me a while to even get back into school.

As with most analytical pursuits, if you miss the concepts that make the foundation then you’re pretty much screwed. So now I have to do a project and a final with almost no hope of getting better than a C for the course. I would drop the class, but my tuition waiver from work would then become null and void and I’d have to come up with the funds myself. Good times.

I’d throw up a link to Puppet’s Lounge, but it is inexplicably gone. IT was an entity more than a website. It spawned from the old WFCF radio show by the same name and became a forum for the functionally insane talents of the minds behind it. I’m guessing it is quite dead. Along with its demise the website’s ringleader has dropped off the radar.


It is a sad thing since I began to share some of my writing with (well call him) JP through Friendster. He is someone I knew in the real world, but never really got to know. He left behind this land of Wal-Marts and unabashed patriotism to drink from the poisoned well of knowledge called the Left Coast. Perhaps I’m jealous he had the nerve to leave. Above all else, I wish I knew how to get a hold of this guy because he is a great writer and someone I respect enormously. Truth is I would rather just peak through the window of his writing, but he has chosen to no longer share it.

So I looked today online for the Puppet’s Lounge website to check in on what JP is up too. The site is gone. No forwarding address and definitely no back-story as to what happened. I don’t think I’ve heard the last of JP. I wish I could live vicariously through his writing as he walks the streets of the city I left a part of my soul in all the while writing what I fear to pen. Perhaps I will overcome my fear of hipsters and 9-month rainy seasons and take the leap I know I’m suppose to take.

For what it is worth, streetlights seem to magically turn off when I drive under them too. I suspect our paths will cross again.

Good news for people who love getting published.