What an educating week I have had.


Here’s what I learned.


Firstly, I found even the most complicated and seemingly insurmountable task can be accomplished if you break it down into little pieces. I’m happy to report I know more about database management than I ever cared to. Salvaged or not, I’m not so much worried about the grade anymore as I am just plain proud of myself for sticking with the class despite how very hard it was. Tomorrow I submit everything and move on with my life.

The second lesson I learned is Nike shoes are damn comfortable. Maybe I’m turning into a cold and heartless bastard. I have spent years avoiding Nike like the plague due to their notorious sweatshop practices. Nothing upsets me more than the thought of a factory full of 5 year olds making my shoes. Those little hands are pretty skilled though, because their shoes are great. I tried buying New Balances and have come to find out they are great…for people with arches. I didn’t get my dad’s height, but I did get his flat feet.

Which brings me to lesson number 3. Don’t go to the gym with people who are much thinner than you. My roommate and I went to the gym the other day. We’ve both been kind of slack about going since he now has a girlfriend and I’ve been busy with a mistress known as graduate school. The first thing to greet us at the gym is the abdominal room. It looks like something from a Twisted Sister video crossed with a medieval torture room. If you really want to interrogate prisoners, make them do crunches.

So I’m starring at this inclined bench and thinking to myself how I have really neglected my abdominal muscles. They’re critical in supporting your back and overall posture. So I got on the benches and started to do crunches. Never mind that it is about the most uncomfortable position in the world (head near the ground, pelvis all up in everyone else’s face) but I made the mistake of doing them next to my roommate. His physique is more Jackie Chan. Mine is more Jack Black. Lesson learned. Workout alone. I did maybe 12 crunches. He did somewhere in the neighborhood of 40. I lost count because I was busy trying not to pass out.

I’m now going to apply the principles school recently taught me to my exercise regimen. Just because you have absolutely no talent at something doesn’t mean you shouldn’t do it. I call this the Yoko Ono principle. This should explain the new Nikes. Yes, I am going to take another crack at running. It seems to be the drug of choice among the exercise obsessed and lord knows I need a hit of something right now.

Let me be the first to tip a cyber 40 for Dutch Reagan and also to wish Mary-Kate and Ashley a happy 18th. All of the sudden pedophiles everywhere are living with less guilt. Speaking of sweatshop labor, these two overgrown Mon Chi-Chis* probably enslave 70% of the third world’s youth to make their crap for Wal-Mart. When is Bob Saget going to come out with his line?

*(To you Olsen twins fans I do recognize they are the super cool supreme center of the universe and way out of my league. Yes, I also recognize that is the impetus for me hating them and saying that they look like unattractive cartoon tree monkies from an obscure 80s cartoon)