I’m about ready to disappear for the holidays. So long 2005! I couldn’t even do a recap of this year justice. I found parts of me dead and parts of me very much alive in the last 12 months. I went into 2005 thinking I would ring the next new year in somewhere in Seattle alone. Instead, I fell in love and will spend it in Massachusetts as half of a couple. When this year started, I had never been to New England. By year’s end, I will have been there 3 times. I saw Emerson’s house, Brighteyes in concert and the second inauguration of history’s worst president. I gained 20 lbs and owned two different cars. My hairline crept up a little and I am finishing off my 20s. I completed a master’s degree. My grandfather remarried and sold the only house that has been in the family my whole life. I cried seeing Michael Jackson get off knowing how many molested kids would choose not to come forward knowing the people who hurt them aren’t always punished. I laughed at “The 40 Year-Old Virgin” and “Wedding Crashers.” “Family guy” came back and gas reached $3. Johnny Carson, Richard Pryor, Luther Vandross, Peter Jennings, Bob Denver, Pope John Paul, the guy from “Get Smart” and Rosa Parks all died. Dave Chapelle cracked. New Orleans flooded. The government spied on us. The housing market boomed and...the whole thing isn’t even over yet. So I shall see you in 2006 my friends. Have a merry Christmas, Hanukah and Kwanzaa.

Some parts of catholicism make sense, like not wearing a condom.Come on, we all know it feels better. I was even starting to enjoy Mary popping up everywhere. Where they lost me was when they elected a former "Hitler Youth" to run the thing. Thanks Matt for pointing out how creepy Pope Bizzle looks. I think the next Pope should be Jewish to bring balance to the force.

It seems like only yesterday I was suckered into seeing “The Passion of the Christ.” We all have that friend who is obsessive about something. Some people take up running or line dancing. Others become fundamental Christians and insist on everyone else coming around to their way of thinking. There was an interesting program last night on ABC about Heaven. Among the many segments, one was specifically on fundamental Christianity. Long story short, if you aren’t one of them, then you’re going to hell.


I was taken to Mel Gibson’s blood orgy of a film by just such a person. I’m sure it was done under good intentions. She was, after all, “on fire” for Christ. For fundamentals, that means attending church at least twice a week and avoiding anything that might be remotely deemed offensive. They claim that they are fulfilling their savior’s will. What I’m missing is the part of the Bible where it tells you that, as Christians, you must get together at least twice a week with other like minded people and reinforce your beliefs. I missed that chapter.

What I have seen among the fundamentals is fear and greed. They believe there are mansions in heaven. Actual physical mansions and not the metaphor Jesus no doubt meant the teaching to be. So if they are going to church every week for some monetary reward (in this life or the next) doesn’t that go against everything Jesus taught about false God’s and the pursuit of wealth. The other half of the fundamental motivation is fear. They fear spending eternity in hell. I will not pretend to know what happens when we die. No one can say for certain, but I would seriously doubt that a loving God would want us to follow him ONLY to avoid punishment.

So if heaven is gold-lined streets full of fundamentalists with mansions and hell is where Adam Sandler, Gandhi and the Dali Lama are going to be, then how does that inspire faith? Good people who have never heard Christ’s message burn for all eternity and pedophiles who make a death bed plea get an eternity of bliss. Religion is ultimately about understanding the world around you and the forces that drive everything.


A good faith teaches you to be kind to others and not always put your own selfish needs first. The “faithful” who wait for the lottery winnings of eternity or fear an infinite after life of being sodomized with a hot poker are missing the whole point of being Christ-like and radiating God’s love. That’s just my 2 cents worth. I would be more likely to trust someone who admits they don’t have all the answers but still strives for love, peace and kindness than someone who definitively thinks they know it all and of course, this gives them a get out of jail free card.

Oh yes, my whole point of this was to explain why I lost interest in "The Chronicles of Narnia." C.S. Lewis was a good man and wrote good books. He even fell in love with a Jewish divorcee. Many "religious" circles would look down on that. It was a great disservice to his legend to lump his movie in with "The Passion" and it's marketing plan. That alone has made me boycott the film.

Cracka lackin up in Duval.


I’m thinking I may move to Jacksonville. Yeah, it isn’t Manhattan, but around here it is where the jobs are. I’ve been driving 40 minutes to work for years and lately, I’ve been driving closer to an hour. I’m tired of commuting. I really am. With the prospect of moving, I’ve even debated selling my car and biking to work. Of course rainy days and late nights would talk me out of that, but the idea has crossed my brain. I will always love St Augustine and call it home, but we’ve both outgrown each other. She has gotten big enough to loose some of her charm and with that has come a huge jump in real estate prices. Renting is a different story since the apartments are either poorly maintained complexes or a garage rented out by some old timer who’ll keep tabs on everything you do. OK, I speak in absolutes, but generally speaking the housing scene has always been week in Auggie unless you have some money. There isn’t much of a young working professional demographic in the city, so of course the real estate options and job market behave accordingly. It is a chicken versus egg situation.

No paperwork has been signed yet, but I’m leaning towards this change. Honestly this isn’t anything drawing me to St. Augustine but nostalgia for better times. My friends are busy leading there lives and when we do get together, it is usually the weekend. My family left long ago and so have all my college buddies. It makes more sense to drive down once a week to hang. Not to mention something as simple as seeing a movie usually requires a half hour drive in St. Augustine, unless you want to see one of the 4 films playing a the mall on a small screen before 9 P.M. Of course leaving puts you in cookie cutter strip mall bland Jacksonville. It has all the charm of a burning turd. I’ll be the first to admit that. So it is a damned if you do and damned if you don’t situation. My heart was in Auggie for so long, but I think our time together has come to an end. Maybe we need a trial separation.

Poor hypersensitive fish.

Sometimes I wonder if I’m even designed to have relationships with other people. I’m fortunate to have found a partner who can ride the emotional rollercoaster, but I can not really say the same for the people I didn’t get to choose. In life, you can choose who you date, who you marry and who your friends are, but there is a ready group of people you don’t get to pick and that is your family. There they are complete with their own needs, issues and conflicts.

I’ll readily admit I’m hyper sensitive, but today my brother was a real jerk to me. He basically got on my case for not being here on Christmas. Of course, I would have complete empathy for him (and be flattered he cares) if it was not for the fact that I’m here every Christmas. I'd also like to add he spends every Christmas with his wife’s family. It has probably been the better part of a decade since my family got together for the holidays. I think he just knows which buttons to push since our birthdays are 3 days apart. I wouldn’t think one hypersensitive Pisces would be mean to another one.

So I finally saw “My Name Is Earl” last night. It was pretty funny and well acted and written (even if they’re a bunch of Scientologists). Jason Lee always gets my respect, even if he is in Tom Cruise’s cult. I was also glad to see schooner boy from “Mallrats” on the show. He looked different since he has lost about 100 lbs. Aside from being more entertaining than expected, it did has two things I worried about. The first is that is portrays all southerners to be total idiotic ‘necks. I assume they’re supposed to be ‘necks from the south since they have all the markings and if that is the case, then why are there giant palm trees in many scenes? The only place in the south you find much in the way of Palm Trees is in Florida. These palm tress were the giant Rodeo Drive kind though and we don’t have those here in the sunshine state. OK, I’m nitpicking.

Good luck Howard Stern and luckily I’ll never have to hear you again. Yes, I said it. I hate Howard Stern. I did like “Private Parts” when it came out. I had never heard his show before, so I know nothing about him other than he is controversial. The movie portrayed him as an actual caring husband and father. I bought that up until a few years later when his marriage fell apart. Fine, lots of marriages tank these days. I’m just impressed she was able to stay with him through all the horrible stuff he has done over the years.

The times I have had the “pleasure” of listening to Stern, I’ve notice his callers are generally moronic. Seriously, I’m impressed many of them can dial a phone, much less relate a question. Some of the dumber things I’ve caught include him trying to get damn near any woman that comes on the show to get naked. One time, I even herd him tell a 120 lb. woman she is fat. Yikes. I’m also left to wonder what is the point of having women naked on the radio? Is that somehow exciting? For an ugly bastard, he has high standards. Besides all that, he is usually in the center of stupid celebrity feuds. It is like he goes out of his way to pit people against each other. Messing with celebrities would be funny if it wasn't so pathetically obvious.Maybe his whole shtick is a clever joke I’m not in on. I don’t know.


Stern has a nasally voice that is barely tolerable and his side kicks have even less talent than him (apparently it is possible). Before you go assuming I’m some sensitive cry baby who is easily offended, I can undoubtedly assure you I’ve said some tasteless stuff in my day and I’ve overshot the line of decency more than once. What allows me to like “South Park” or “Family Guy” and plenty of other entertainment that people find offensive is they have heart or a point. “South Park” usually has a moral at its center and “Family Guy” is light hearted fun. Yes, they’ll poke fun at the handicapped or bring on a greased up deaf guy. The creators of these shows have the potential to be equally offensive, but more often than not they have a lot more substance to offer and don’t rely on the same potty humor and topless bimbos to qualify as “entertainment.”

If Howard stern could portray himself as something other than a filthy mouthed, horny, talent less idiot then I’d admire what he has done in broadcasting. Of course, Rush Limbaugh has been on the air forever and he is equally stupid. I guess the moral of the story is most people are stupid, so they therefore enjoy stupid things. Mr. Stern, get Jodie Foster topless on your show and I’ll be convinced your powers are real. Seriously, I wouldn’t want to see that, but adios and thanks for giving me one more reason not to invest in satellite radio. You represent the worst stereotypes women have about men.

Reason number 8,657,689 why my girlfriend rocks. I was having a blah day. She calls me up at work and I tell her I’m just blah. I don’t really know why. So an hour later she shows up to say “hi” with Twizzlers (my favorite candy) and an espresso. It wouldn’t be such a big deal if my work wasn’t about a 2 hour round trip out of her way. Sometimes the people you love surprise you.

So another prisoner was executed. Yeah, I’m talking about the guy who was a cofounder of the Crips.

The older I get, the more I see how imperfect the world is and the more I realize how wrong execution is. When I was younger, I had a pretty good handle on corporal punishment and understood how executions are a deterrent to committing crimes. I’m sure they still are for many people. What I don’t understand is how, what is held up to be the best justice system in the world still manages to execute innocent people. Our legal system constitutes guilt as being proven “beyond a shadow of a doubt.” Yet have we ever really reached that level of justice? I don’t know if this guy is innocent or guilty, but the fact he wouldn’t even admit guilt even when it could have spared him death says there is more to this story than what we know now.

“We've got rules and maps and guns in our backs
But we still can't just behave ourselves
Even if to save our own lives, so says I, WE ARE A BRUTAL KIND.”
-The Shins

So I'm down to the last 50 pages of the latest Harry Potter book. If you're a fan, then you know I just found out a whole bunch of interesting things that ensure I'll be anxiously awaiting the last book. I'm chomping at the bit to finish this one though. I sat in my car squeezing in a couple of extra pages before I admitted defeat and went inside to begin working. Yes, I realize I am a dork.

Christmas is Christmas people. Call it that.

It has been commercialized to hell. Yes, I know it was a pagan holiday that Christianity took over. Fine. In our culture (collectively I mean first world western norms) it has been and should continue to be Christmas. Around the same time each year is Hanukkah and Kwanza and that is wonderful too. I admire and salute both holidays. That doesn’t mean that every holiday should loose its personality because several fall around the same time. Ask yourself, have you seen Kwanza sales anywhere? NO. Why? Because it is a new holiday and last I check not one based on gift giving. Hanukah has managed to last centuries in harmony with Christmas. Why is it now we have to remove Christmas form everything? I’m sure if they put a huge Dreidel in Time’s Square, it would not be called the “Holiday Dreidel.”

Yes, yes, I have Christmas issues myself. I get fed up every year with the holiday and I have a love/hate relationship with it, but it is CHRISTMAS and not the generic winter holiday. Love it or hate it, at least call a spade a spade. Now all my liberal friends are rolling their eyes. I guess we just have to agree to disagree on this, but if you don’t want to celebrate Christmas, then don’t, but don’t force everyone else to give it up just because you don’t like it.



Tonight the Charlie Brown Christmas special comes on. it is a
tradition here and it is VERY religious in tone. This
is the 40th year and I think most Americans have
childhood memories of the program. I'm glad it has
survived and there are still nativity scenes around. So
the meaning is not totally lost. The commercialism
disgusts me. I lost one of my Grandmas just a couple of
days before Christmas 2000. My family here has
disbanded. So much about Christmas makes me sad.

Last year I threatened to go off and be alone ion Christmas The suicide rate is insane this time of year and honestly, it probably has to do with a life time of disappointments for most people. I think last year I understood fully why that is.
Promises broken by relatives, arguments made, loved
ones lost and a society that says "thou shalt get all
the toys" has put a dark mask on the holiday. So this
year, like many others, people will drive drunk, take
pills or put a gun in their mouth. I gave blood
yesterday because this is the year it is most in need.
Folks get too busy shopping and forget to give. So
part of me hopes that when a depressed person doesn't
administer a fully fatal gunshot or when some teenager
gets hit by a drunk driver, their second chance at
life will begin with a pint of my A positive. That
gift, which I give all year, might be the biggest
contribution I've made to the holidays.

This time of
year makes me sad as hell too. Sad that my father has
alienated nearly everyone who ever cared about him and sits
alone on Christmas. Sad that my mother and step
father are so far away. Sad my Grandmother is gone.
Even our old Chihuahua Oliver pops up in my head this time of year. I'm sad that
My brother is still looking for a job and my sister works two to make ends meet. I'm sad the only
house that has been in my family my whole life was
just sold. I'm sad that a met a really nice guy and then he died a few months later. In my darkest most Grinch-like hour, I still feel happy that I found love, have good health and will see another
year. I'm sure it will have its share of hardships,
but I wouldn't trade it for the world.

A wiser man than me, a devout atheist I might add, once wrote a song that sums up what the holiday is about. The other day, I was standing in a store when this came over the muzak and realized how much of the lyrics are probably lost on most people

So this is Xmas
And what have you done
Another year over
And a new one just begun
And so this is Christmas
I hope you have fun
The near and the dear one
The old and the young
A very Merry Christmas
And a happy New Year
Let's hope it's a good one
Without any fear
And so this is Christmas
For weak and for strong
For rich and the poor ones
The world is so wrong
And so happy Christmas
For black and for white
For yellow and red ones
Let's stop all the fight
A very Merry Christmas
And a happy New Year
Let's hope it's a good one
Without any fear
And so this is Christmas
And what have we done
Another year over
A new one just begun
And so happy Christmas
We hope you have fun
The near and the dear one
The old and the young
A very Merry Christmas
And a happy New Year
Let's hope it's a good one
Without any fear
War is over, if you want it
War is over now

So the French are thinner than us. It seems every week I’m looking for some new way to lose weight or get fitter. While the French eat fatty “unhealthy” foods and carbs with gusto, they also smoke. So maybe this backlash on smoking explains why the next time you fly, the guy in the seat next to you will be spilling over into your personal space.

Wonders never cease.I pulled up behind a huge Ford Expedition today with a bumper full of Grateful Dead bears. Peace, love and petroleum.

OK, this scares me a little. I’m flying on Christmas Eve.

I really think slacking the guidelines is going to send the wrong message. The thing terrorists would be looking for is complacency and a return to feeling secure. As much as I hate the security part of going to the airport, I really see it as a necessary evil. I get searched a lot. I don’t know why, but I have been searched a half dozen times. I’ve had my bag emptied and I’ve had my body checked. Maybe they pick me to show how much they are NOT profiling. I mean you don’t get much whiter than me. Anyway, for the millions of little constitutional liberties we’ve had manipulated since the tragedy of 9-11, our right to carry sharp things on a plane is hardly the worst sacrifice. Yes, a terrorist can make anything a weapon, but a pair of scissors or even a screwdriver just seems too obviously dangerous. DUH!

It is world AIDS day and my local paper ran this sad story. I was impressed they managed such a humane article in our little backwards redneck town.



Jere Morrow and John Daniel Farley Jr., a couple with 16 years of history, celebrated their holy union ceremony on Oct. 8. Before another day had passed, Farley was dead.

"I was married and widowed within 24 hours," Morrow said a month after his partner's death.

Farley died of cancer, 42 days before his 43rd birthday. He also had AIDS, which Morrow thinks weakened his immune system and made him susceptible to the bone cancer that killed him.

On this day, World AIDS Day, Morrow is doing what many other gay and straight people are doing, mourning the loss of someone who died because of AIDS, either directly or, in Farley's case, indirectly.

AIDS is no longer the automatic death sentence it once was. HIV is considered a chronic ailment and those who follow their physician's regime can expect to live long lives.

And now, as then, the disease is best understood through the stories of those like Farley who are dead because of it, and Morrow who has lived HIV positive for more than 17 years.





This is their story.

"He fought," Morrow paused as he looked into the distance. "He wanted to live ... His frail body was just too weak to fight any more."

Farley and Morrow celebrated their holy union at First Coast Metropolitan Community Church in St. Augustine. It was the closest they could get to marriage.

Morrow smiled as he remembered how anxious Farley was to get to there. He was downstairs tapping his cane telling Morrow to hurry up.

In front of family and friends, some of whom had flown in from Pennsylvania, the two exchanged vows.








Both families were supportive of the relationship.

Morrow's best friend, Lynne Reed, who works with him at St. Johns County Health Department, described their families.

"They are just warm, friendly, open, non-judgmental people," she said. "The kind of people you want to be around."

Farley and Morrow each wore matching gold Claddagh rings, which now sit together on Morrow's finger.

"I think in all honesty he knew (he was close to death), and he really pushed himself," Morrow said as he choked back tears.







Reed added, "It was hard for him to just breathe in and out that day."

This was the first ceremony the couple had to honor their bond. They had been in a committed relationship for 16 years and Farley felt as though they didn't need a formal commemoration, Morrow said. However, it was important to Morrow and so it became important to Farley.

The two met in Jacksonville Beach at a time when Morrow said he had given up on finding love. But from that night on, Morrow said he and Farley were inseparable.

"I couldn't have asked for a better, more loving, supportive partner," Morrow said.

Two years after the couple met, Farley proposed at Ann O' Malley's in St. Augustine.

"It was an expression of love," Morrow said. "That was a lot for him to do in front of everyone."

Farley was diagnosed with HIV about 12 years ago and about a year after that, his viral count put him on AIDS status. The week of Nov. 20, 2004, when he turned 42, he found out that he had bone cancer. It was that week that Morrow and he made funeral arrangements.

In May, an oncologist told Farley he had about a year to live. In September, Farley stopped the rounds of chemotherapy and daily injections of Fuzeon, a last resort in AIDS treatment. They were not helping, Morrow said.

Throughout the years the couple was together, they were never sick at the same time. Farley helped Morrow through a liver transplant a few years ago and Morrow took care of Farley as his body began to shut down.

During the last few months, Farley had a difficult time eating and lost about 40 pounds. He needed a wheelchair to support his gaunt body.

After coming home from the holy union ceremony, his health quickly spiraled downward. He was no longer able to swallow pain medication and his anguish was apparent, Morrow said.

About 9 p.m. Oct. 8, a nurse began morphine treatments. Even after two doses, the pain kept Farley awake and restless. Finally, after a third dose, he was able calm down and began to fall asleep.

Morrow and the couple's Jack Russell Terrier, Jiggs, laid down with Farley.

"I would never let him see me cry," Morrow paused. "Except that night."

Morrow made sure Farley was comfortable and reassured him that he would be OK. As they drifted off, Farley died in Morrow's arms.

"It's so hard," Morrow said as his face cringed with pain. "It was always John and JerÈ."

Morrow works at the Health Department educating people about HIV/AIDS, something Farley was proud of. He would pass out Morrow's business cards every chance he got.

Farley was a chef and loved to cook. Shortly before he died, he got out all the ingredients he needed to make peanut butter cookies. He never had a chance to bake them.

Reed, who works with Morrow in HIV/AIDS education, said she always looked forward to Farley's treats.

He would send Morrow in with snacks for the office, she said.

"We ate very well," she said smiling.

In addition to Farley's baking, Reed also looked forward to his trademark cards. He gave out cards for almost every occasion and never forgot a birthday, she said. The "John cards" would come decorated with stickers and a special message.

Farley was always thinking of everyone else, Reed said. He had a gentle way that attracted people to him, she added.

"He was so pure," she said.

Morrow is slowly learning how to live without Farley.

Farley's toothbrush still sits in its holder, but Morrow recently brought himself to put the peanut butter cookie ingredients back on the shelves. He is staying busy working to raise awareness and educate people in St. Johns County about HIV/AIDS.

For Morrow, weekends are the worst. The memories he and Farley shared enter his thoughts.

"If I had to do it all over again, I would," Morrow said.