Without sounding too much like a paranoid schizophrenic, I have to tell you I saw the movie “Loose Change” and it had some interesting points.

My own personal experience with the events of 9-11 have never sat right with me. Firstly, I saw the Pentagon less than a month after the plane supposedly crashed into the building and I can tell you, whatever hit that building was definitely NOT a passenger jet. The impact itself was hardly 16 feet across and there was absolutely no damage to the interstate (just a few yards away) and the soil around the building.

So a plane, without losing its wings, crashed into the building with such precision it left its mark only on the building and not anywhere on the lawn directly in front of said building. Essentially only the building itself absorbed the impact of a passenger jet traveling over 500 MPH, but the wings never made contact with the building and the plane itself either disappeared or ended up inside the Pentagon and was quickly disposed of.

Secondly, the official list of highjackers (one is even portrayed in the new movie) shows several people who the BBC quickly proved were not involved at all with 9-11. Imagine this huge story that the highjackers on this suicide mission are alive and well!The whole thing doesn’t add up. Then the fact that the new film has come out so soon makes me wonder if the collective story is just being reinforced in our minds. The film itself is too soon as far as I am concerned and in all probability it is complete fiction. Something has not added up.

I love this song, but I always though it was wild it was filmed the Friday before 9-11 and I was amazed by his choice of where to stand.

It “Take Your Child to Work Day” AKA show your offspring how soul crushing adulthood is day. Luckily no one at my job has a shorty in tow. I love kids, but why bring them to work? They are not interested in what you do and they damn sure aren’t going to contribute any thing to the work place. I think it would be better to send them to Tai Pei to work a day in a Nike factory. Then it would be “Teach Your Kid to Appreciate How Good They Have It Day.” A much, much more productive holiday.


When I was in 7th grade, I took a class in law. It was a pretty cool elective class. I doubt these days any public school would offer the same course, because the end of the year trip we took for the class was to the county jail. I don’t know if the guys were making a show to scare us kids, but I saw enough to know jail was somewhere I didn’t want to go. Some of the things I saw there were enough to keep me out of serious trouble. So maybe it should be “Take Your Kid to County Day.” Seeing what it would be like to be somebody’s bitch should be enough to keep most kids from anything too serious. Spending the day playing PSP in your cubicle will teach them nothing.

Partnership for a blog-free America.


Sometimes people say things that sort of blow your mind. I know my Grandpa is a Baptist. He is also one of the kindest people I know. So today, on the phone, he laid down the following statement.

“We’re lucky to have someone like Bush in the office. He will not be afraid to use the bomb if need be.”

Ok, I try to take the diplomatic route with him because he’s, well, old. So I said “I just hope it doesn’t come to that.” A good neutral statement, but one that declares I’m not pro-bomb dropping. I’m sure no one wants it to come to nuclear exchanges. I was just a little shocked. I’m sure we don’t agree on a million different things from abortion to gay marriage, but I was truly shocked by his statement, because I got the impression he wouldn’t be too upset if Dub used a nuke. It was a weird moment of insight into what the half of this country who votes conservative must think.

The lesser of two evils.

Do you sometimes feel like that phrase should have never existed? Usually I feel that way around election time. Lately, I’ve felt that way daily. I’m burnt out at my current job. Honestly at my wits end. Out of the blue, I had a bite for a new position. The only problem is it took 4 interviews and 2 months to go through the hiring process and they still haven’t given me a start date yet. I need to notify my current gig, but I don’t want to burn any bridges before I’m done crossing them.

Today I nearly walked out though. I’ve put in almost 5 years here doing something I never wanted to do again. It was meant to be a transition to get back into teaching or find something else more career oriented. So today I was reminded why I can not take this anymore. I’m stuck in the middle between two groups of people who lack accountability and I have some lady yelling at me simply because I’m the only one available to yell at. She is over 6 feet tall and pretty intimidating. Aside from that, I didn’t get a masters to work every Saturday of my adult life.

As scary as the chance sounds (and believe me I’ve lost sleep over the unknown) if I stay here and don’t at least take a chance, I’ll end up saying or doing something I’ll regret. I’d hate to walk, but today the thought crossed my mind. I’m in the proverbial taint of employment. The question is which direction am I heading? Sub question: which would be better or more desirable? Front and back can both stink.

See, as predicted, Earth Day seems to be a bust. Surely someone is planning something. I heard Bush was cycling through wine country. Who the hell am I to talk? The closest thing I did to celebrate was put some patchouli on my scalp this morning and listen to Phish on my way to work. Yeah, I know, I’m such a hippie. Neither benefited the environment. While I can use the excuse I’m at work all day, surely I could come up with some way to celebrate.

When I lived in Atlanta, one of my best friends was a grad student at Georgia Tech. I would visit him there. I saw 2 women on campus in the course of 2 years. This is what happens when there are no women around. Well that and sci-fi novelizations.

Do spammers have spell check?

I got a message today offering to check my "3 Inch Credit Report." Ok, who's been talking? Look, my credit report is Irish, what can you do?

Upon further reading (granted this is the first spam I have read in such detail ever) I realized the mistake. {Note to self, first use of English major in damn near 4 years.}

By the way I don't know what a "{" is either. Anyway, my point was that upon further investigation, they were selling me a ""3-In-1 Credit Report." What an odd mistake.

Besides, we all know it isn't the size of your credit report, it is the FICA score.

It is Hitler’s birthday, the anniversary of Columbine, Benny Hill’s death, the Lutheran Church was born and the 100th episode of “Murphy Brown” aired. If these aren’t good reasons to stay home, I don’t know what is.

So I finally broke down and read the “Da Vinci Code.” OK, I haven’t finished yet. I’m like 80% done. I figured I would join the ranks of all the people who will sit and complain about how much better the book is than the movie. If I had any plans to see “Mission Impossible III” I’d go read “Dianetics” before hand. Then I could understand the subtle scientologist elements. Of course scientology is the one religion shrouded in secrecy. I guess if I believe alien pieces inhabited my body, I’d probably keep that on the down low too.

So “The Da Vinci Code” has been somewhat predictable. Everyone always talks about Dan Brown being good at taking you off guard. Maybe the fact I came in with a healthy knowledge about the Knights Templar and Da Vinci’s habit of writing backwards. So some of the mystery was taken out of it for me. Damn Catholic school.

I’m working on my own novel explaining how the Taco Bell dog has embedded symbols into his merchandise indicating the Aztecs are in fact running the country. They have assembled with the Zoroastrians to create a secret society that fills our head with messages through the musical artwork of the J Geil’s Band. The iambic pentameter of “Centerfold” hints toward the Pagan roots of this lingua pura pop hit.

I know it is your birthday and we no longer talk. How hard that must be for you, if you have feelings. I know your illness makes you feel like a martyr, but do you feel anything else? Hopefully those around you are telling you how horrible you are being treated. You would like that. I guess I feel brave knowing you’ll never read this. Despite what you say, you didn’t come back for me. If you did, don’t say my letter didn’t warn you. I told you the reception to expect.


So let us remember better times when we smiled and hugged and went to the park together. Oh, I forgot, those things never happened. I’ sure you’ll tell me you were busy working or some other excuse. You paint yourself in you best pastels. The truth is you never said anything like you meant it, least of all “I love you.” Even that came too late.

Come writers and critics
Who prophesize with your pen
And keep your eyes wide
The chance won't come again
And don't speak too soon
For the wheel's still in spin
And there's no tellin' who
That it's namin'.
For the loser now
Will be later to win
For the times they are a-changin'.

I truly believe the times are changing. It is definitely in the wind and maybe my perceptive Piscean blood can sense the tidal shift, but we really are going to be at a cross road soon. I don’t know when, or where, or even why.

Before any of us are ready for it, gasoline is going to sky rocket in price. Of course sky rocketing gasoline means everything will go up in price. Our food, goods and businesses depend on cheap fuel to keep going. The good news, if you can look at it that way, is that the destructive behavior of the past is now on a very limited timeline.

The meantime is what scares me. My generation is in the process of defining itself. We’re coming into our late 20s and early 30s and we’re starting to get some slice of the power pie. Unfortunately, we’re going the get the table cloth yanked out from under said pie plate.

I can not possibly guess what is to come, but like chicken little, if you start paying attention you’ll see the sky is, in fact, falling.

Ah, the subtle dance.


Unfortunately, we’ll be in a full scale war with Iran faster than you can say “Allah humus sandwiches.”

My guess is the decision has already been made. We are always the last to know such things, but mark my words. By Christmas we will have taken some military action against Iran. Maybe it is the right thing to do. We do have a much better handle on their WMDs. They’re certainly a lot farther along than Iraq was even accused of being.

The funny thing is we live in a nation that claims to be religiously independent and yet most of our major decisions are made based on the faith of our leaders. I love a good bagel and some matzo soup, but if left to stand on their own, Israel is up lokshen creek without a paddle.

So why do we get involved in these things? Most countries in the middle east are nowhere near developing any technology that will threaten the U.S. Besides, is anyone naive enough these days to think our enemies would attack from a foreign shore? That’s so 1997. If a nuke goes off here, it will likely be a dirty bomb planted by someone right here at home.

What a nation like Iran can do with nuclear weapons and would no doubt love to do is wipe Israel off he face of the earth. The problem is I doubt very seriously we are coming to Israel’s defense out of the kindness of our hearts. I wouldn’t even begin to unravel the mystery of why our leaders seem hell bent of standing by Israel. The truth is the Israelis haven’t exactly been the best neighbors lately. Something tells me our military marching into Iran isn’t exactly going to improve relations between the Muslim world and the rest of us.


No really, I can’t back that up.

Go shorty, its your Earth Day
We gonna party like its your Earth Day
Gonna sip Bacardi like its your Earth day
We don’t give a fahk cause its your earth Day!



So Saturday is Earth Day. Plant a tree or something. I’m glad that earth gets a day, but that’s like checking Paris Hilton for crabs once a year. What about the other 364 days when the task is neglected? Really.

I’m no eco warrior. I eat meat, I drive an SUV. That’s full disclosure. Yet someone like the Dub hopefully feels like a huge freaking hypocrite when he gives lip service to Earth Day. I’d imagine it he was able to, he’d slip Mother Earth a horse tranquilizer and drag her back to Shawn Hannity’s hotel room.

Even if we all make huge changes to try and save the environment, it seems our own governments will always cater to big business. I’m not going to begin to argue that eating vegan and driving a hybrid (or better yet biking) will not make the world a better place. It will. The problem is until our government and the corporations it works for makes saving this planet a priority we’re pretty well screwed.

I don't think Joan River's has any parts dating back this far. File this story under "only in Florida" or reason number 567,891 why you should seek a goverment job.
As a wise parapsychologist once said "I've worked in the private sector, they expect results."

Ha!
I emailed MTV networks and begged them to take a gander at my blog. I’m packing my bags right now to join the writing staff for “The Daily Show.” We shall see what becomes of it. I realize this vast wasteland of free speech probably looks like a crap stained stall in a Jersey rest area to the talent at a huge network. I figured you never know until you try. Getting hired there is about as likely as Dennis Miller making a reference anyone without post-doctorate work in Applied Economics could actually understand.

It could happen. Really, I have a degree in English and everyone seems to think I’m funny. Of course dropping my demo tape and the subsequent harassment on my part finally got me hired as a DJ. It didn’t take me long to realize I’d rather fellate a cheese grater until I’m 65 then work for corporate radio. Lesson learned. So I guess what I’m saying is when the networks do come a calling, I’ll think long and hard about how much I want to share an office with Stephen Colbert’s bald eagle.

Not that you should ever miss "Family Guy", but you definitely should not miss this week's epsiode. It is my all time favorite one.

Everybody ayyyyyyy!

File this under easy listening frat boy jam pop leads to spiritual insight. As much as I have grown to dislike Dave Matthews, I have to say “Busted Stuff” might turn out to be his best album. I think he exposed the most of himself as a person and that probably explains why he shelved it. That or his bad judgment was already kicking in at that point and he looked right passed what a great batch of songs it is. I can not listen to it without contemplating something deeper. It is about finding meaning and your place in the universe. It is also about seeking something higher than your self. So say what you will about the current steaming coils he is squeezing out, “Busted Stuff” was the shizzle. As disappointed as I’ve been in all his recent work, I can not stop revisiting this album.

But oh God
Under the weight of life
Things seem brighter on the other side

That line alone could be about redemption versus a life without direction. It also could be a proclamation of how suicide looks appealing. It is in these gray areas that Busted Stuff is brilliant. Just like good jazz music, sometimes the best parts are bent between the lines.

White people are weird. Sometimes you have to wonder what other nationalities think of us. First off, when ever some kid walks into their school and starts randomly shooting people, it is always some suburban white dude. If you get shot in the so called “bad” part of town, it is probably for a reason. Pubescent white guys will shoot you for kicks. So too will vice presidents.

Hunting is another excellent example of weird crap white people do. Aside from the Inuit, most cultures don’t take up hunting these days and chances are if they do, it is for survival or food. Taxidermy, I feel, also falls into this category since white folks are the only people I’ve ever known to stuff a dead thing and put it on display.

Camping is a related topic. Why would anyone who has the means for four walls and a roof chose to sleep outside in an oversized zip lock bag?

Ditto for tanning. Maybe it is white guilt or just a desire to be cool, but you don’t see other nationalities lying around on the beach roasting. When non crackers go to the beach, they’re there for business. They build a castle, go for a swim, maybe eat a packed lunch and then go home. White folks cover themselves in gravy and try to cook.

As with all things there are exceptions. Wayne Brady, Tiger Woods and Bryant Gumbel aside, most black folks are content to be black. White kids in suburbs across the country are devoted to hip hop clothing and music and in every respect try their darndest to be black. One or two have probably made a convincing argument.

Romantic comedies are another thing white folks love. Of course they have been a few here and there for other groups, but the vast majority of romantic comedies are made by white folks, usually British ones and often with Hugh Grant. These films portray love and relationships as picture perfect. I think the 50 percent divorce rate more than proves the fallacy of this argument.

There you have it. I could write all day, but my point is, white folks are nuts. And from what I hear we smell like bologna.

I gave up Catholicism for Lent.


I just finished explaining why to a coworker.

Aside from the dozens of things I don’t agree with Catholicism on, I can honestly say their stance on birth control is the straw that broke my dogmatic back.

Why, oh why, would you tell over crowded third world countries that their people would be sinning if they practiced birth control? Especially places where AIDS is rampant. I’m not even going to get started on this.

As Dante once said, I’m not even supposed to be here today.

What did I learn today?


Well I haven’t had a soda in about 2 weeks. Yes, another health kick. We’ll see how long it lasts. If it is anything like the others, probably not long. Diet soda tastes like taint and a bottle of regular soda has about as many calories as a McDonald’s burger. So soda is bad.

I saw a preview of the new movies coming out this morning. I for one am going to give “The Benchwarmers” a try. Why? Because at least it is selling itself as a dumb movie. It seems lately so many films with less of a sense of humor have been arriving in theatres on the notion that they are Oscar worthy, when the reality is they should have gone straight to Blockbusters.

I will not catch “Lucky Number Slevin.” Firstly because I hate anything that tries that hard to be clever. What is a Slevin anyways? I don’t even have the energy or concern enough to slog down to the Cineplex. I already deduced the moral of the story from the previews. My hairline is somewhere between Bruce Willis and Josh Hartnett.

The last time anyone was this sexually repressed, people were burned for being witches based on their buoyancy. The good news is, after a few hundred years, Salem has come full circle and is now one of the few places you can get a legal gay marriage. So hang on Indonesia, change is right around the corner. And by right around the corner I mean 400 years...max.

Sometimes, you just have to do something out of character. Moving to a city where you know no one. Getting the nerve to ask a girl out. Drinking a lot of beers and watching a football game. Every once in a while you have to branch out. So, with this spirit in mind, I'm going to invest in a great big ball sack for my car. If you don't live in a fly over state, you'll just have to trust me these things do exist and people do actually put them on their vehicle.

I'm not really a sports fan, but I did notice that Tiger Woods has slipped in the masters. He's ranked 19th right now.

I feel sorry for the guy. Partly because as falls Tiger Woods, so falls my generation. We're roughly the same age, so maybe it was turning 30 that has set him back. Maybe he just got comfortable or maybe it was getting married. I know we live in a society that shoots down marraige. Heck, it only works half the time and I certainly wouldn't fly an airline that crashed 50% of the time. It is more likely a combination of all those things. I can only imagine what it must be like to lose the title of "Golden Boy."

Free cell, Ray Romano and how to stay cool in the Florida sun.


The amazing thing about an office environment is how little people really do. If you pay attention, most folks divide their time between playing Free Cell, talking with their family on the phone and surfing the internet. I’m wondering how many of my coworkers are looking at pictures of the bassist for Fall Out Boy’s junk online. Trust me, they’re out there.

Which proves my theory. No, Germans don’t love David Hasselhoff. Well they do, but my theory is inevitably if you photograph yourself in a way you want no one to see, it WILL end up on the internet. End of story. It also proves guys with small ones don’t take pictures. It is a weird culture that is fascinated with the penis.


That is until middle age. Then you might as well cut it off according to Ray Romano. I saw him on television discussing the fact he doesn’t get any action from his wife. Perhaps, Ray, it is because you go on talk shows and complain about not getting any. Plus, it doesn’t take a genius to figure out sex stops when you are married. Sad but true. Why is it everyone thinks they’ll be the exception to these rules? Just ask your coworkers between sessions of Free Cell.

Florida, on the other hand, is the state least likely to ever win my heart. For better or worse, our abusive relationship carries on. It is like a Lifetime movie and I’m Judith Light. Some day I’ll pack up the Chevy and throw the kids in the back and head to my sister’s trailer to start a new life. Until then, I’m shaving my head every summer. I might be the one guy on the planet who’s looking forward to male pattern baldness.

Yikes, now that he has retired, how will he work this issue out? I think it is funny he asks for privacy when we have all spent the last 7 or so years hearing him have a counseling session with the listening public. Dude, my advice, whip out the PPO card and find a good Psychologist.

Yeah, I watch a lot of "Cosby Show" reruns. Remmeber how Rudy was replaced when she stopped being a "cute" little girl? Well history has a way of making right what once went wrong. Here is "Rudy" today:



and here is her replacement:

So Katie Couric is going to anchor the nightly news? I'm going to have trouble buying her as a serious journalist. I'll avoid speculation, but I know a guy, who has a friend who dated a girl who once knew someone who worked at NBC. No, in all seriousness, I have heard from people who live and work in New York in the broadcasting field that she is quite the beoootch. Specualtion of course, but often where there is smoke, there is fire. If it is true, at least her powers are sometimes used for good.

I think the new Honda Fit is pretty cool. it has a lot of the amenities of my beloved box on wheels, but the EPA rating shows it as far less thirsty. Just like the Element, the outside doesn't exactly scream COOL!, but as anyone who has even owned a small car will tell you, they don't hold crap. This innovative car has taken a clue form the Element, because it has seats that fold up, dissapear and flaten. It genuinely looks like a car that could actually haul a few people and maybe some cargo, which isn't bad for getting nearly 40 MPG.

America's greatest untapped resource is it's library system. I suggest you get down to the local library ASAP before G. Dub and the Get Fresh Crew bulldoze them all to the ground. This weekend, I discovered the library in my new neighborhood and finally got around to seeing "The Usual Suspects." Since it was free, I had no more excuses after a decade of excuses for not seing the film.

Yet, in a universe of randomness I came across this web page today. Am I alone in finding this disturbing? Maybe one of the Arquettes will convert to Islam to balance the universe out. Meet you all the way...Rosanna yeah. See you in Mecca.

In case you didn’t hear, the Simpson’s movie was finally green lighted. Considering I remember watching this show before I had underarm hair, I’m guessing the movie was a long time coming. The show itself drops on and off my radar. The Simpson’s is like that cool uncle who is funny and up on the latest things, but the dude is still in his 30s and no matter how much of a handle he has on pop culture, he’s still old. Wait, I guess I’m that uncle. Anyway the quality of the show has waned over the years for me, but it is still prone to moments of brilliance and something tells me the film will pull out all the stops.

Linsay Lohan...teacher?

She took a minute out of her busy schedule to teach some lucky kids about the dangers of crack.

So many things mark the return of spring. The time change is chief among them. Today, the first snake sighting came. Of all the states to live in, Florida seems to be the sanke capital. I’m sure it is no doubt one reason why my relationship with my homeland is a conflicted one. There have been many times where I’ve come across something as harmless as a grass snake and left the lawn half mowed. The lawnmower could sit for days as a testament to my irrational fear.


Of course snakes were probably a good thing to fear and if you had a healthy respect for them you were more likely to survive the times when we couldn’t make the distinction between the harmful and harmless ones. Now, we know better. Yet that doesn’t stop me from screaming like a 5 year-old girl when I see one. It probably never will. All my life, when it warms up, I try to stick to the paved areas and the beaches here in Florida. Granted, the dunes are best avoided as well. This state is crawling with snakes.

I miss winter already.