This is my attempt at proper grammar. Wow, I already misspelled a word and had to go back and check it. Guess which one… it was grammar. I swear I’m not stupid, but Lord knows I cannot write a mechanically accurate sentence or paragraph to save my life. I love words and have struggled with a laundry list of learning disabilities to even get to the pathetic state I am in today. I have taken Latin, Spanish and French and at best I managed to pull a C in Spanish. I’m going to skip commenting on the other two.


The weird thing is I’m not stupid. When I study subjects that don’t require a mastery of the language, I tend to be a straight A student. In fact, I’m pulling a 4.0 in grad school studying computer science. Being the obvious masochist I am, one of my majors in undergrad was English. So now I’m cursed to always have people run questions about grammar, spelling and sentence structure by me for clarification. Half the time, I’m more nervous than a Girl Scout at an R. Kelly concert. I’m so afraid I’ll be exposed for the fraud I am.

A few weeks back, I found an old high school report card. I had all As, with two very glaring exceptions. The first was Physical Education. The second was, of course, English. Maybe my problem is I am too gifted to confine myself. I’m sure Van Gough was criticized in his time for making blurry pictures.

I’m not the first grammar terrorist. I have role models like E.E. Cumming. Even Kerouac was a tad sloppy when it came to little details like grammar and sentence structure. Just check out John 11:35 from the New Testament. Does that really constitute a verse? Probably. See, there I go again. One word does not a sentence make.

Yoda, the apostles, Snoop Dogg and many other great minds take liberty with the mechanics of language. English is a living entity. Where a language like Latin is very dead and very set in its ways, English grows and morphs and changes year by year. If you threw around words like “download” or “laptop” 20 years ago, you would have likely been directed to the nearest strip club.

Sure I care about my dysfunctional writing style and complete lack of grammar, syntax and spelling, but if I managed to get a degree in English and still take liberties with these elements, don’t call it stupidity, just call it a genius with careless disregard for the rules of mere mortals. For the record, I did misspell disregard the first time around.

Oh yeah, go see Europtrip! The you can learn about Scotty and what he does not know.

And the verdict is…he will live. Oh yes, it is that time again. I have my annual sinus infection. Granted, I could be prone to worse medical disasters I guess, but I have sort of grown tired of getting a sinus infection every year. Its like clock work. I went to the doctor Friday and he told me I was there 1 year to the day from my last visit for the exact same thing. Except last time, I let it go to far and ended up with an ear infection. Trust me, if your child ever gets an ear infection, don’t doubt they’re in every bit of the pain they say they’re in. I’ve had them twice as an adult and they are excruciating.


I’ve been on an antibiotic (besides the ones I already get from all the genetically modified meats and produce I eat). This is day 4. By day 4 you should feel better, but, truthfully, I feel worse. I almost think I contracted something else at the doctor’s office, because I didn’t start feeling really bad until I went there. Maybe it was psychosomatic. Speaking of which, if you do have the misfortune of getting a sinus infection, believe me when I tell you no one is going to believe you’re sick. It brings on very few visible symptoms. You just sort of feel like crap on and off and have a sore throat, fever, headache, sinus pain, or some combination of all of them. OK, I’ll shut up now. I cannot stand being sick.

HAPPY FAT TUESDAY! What a dumb name. It makes sense in the context of the “holiday”, but it is pretty stupid. I guess this is my last fling, since tomorrow I am giving up fried food and soda for Lent. I don’t really feel all that Catholic these days, but I do think giving up something is A) healthy for you B) helps flex your self control muscles and C) is a nice gesture considering it pales in comparison to a crucifixion. I’m guessing on that last one.

Think about giving something up. Even if you aren't religious it will be a worthwhile experience. It seems like modern Christianity (at least the way most folks practice it) is about the least demanding faith you could ask for on the individual. It is usually all talk and precious little action. I’m giving up two things I love for 40 days. It beats the heck out of trekking to Mecca or giving up caffeine and living in Salt Lake City. We get by so easy really.

Listen up kids. I'm going to say something that I don't think you're going to hear from too many ex-smokers. I miss smoking! In a different world were cigarettes were not almost $4 a pack I would take the habit up again. Truthfully, the main reason I haven't lit up (and Lord knows I've thought about it) is that America suddenly became the most anti-smoking country in the world. Ireland and the UK are close behind. They're working on nation-wide bans of smoking in public places. My beloved homeland of Florida outlawed smoking last year.

I don't know about you, but I miss the good old days. I love coming home from a night on the town and not reeking of second hand smoke. If you're hanging out at bars, then second hand smoke is the least of your problems. It seems like everywhere I go smoking has become public offense number 1. Even controversial people like Eminem would probably considering getting caught smoking a career-ending event. I don't doubt he'll be doing some anti-smoking campaign soon. Kids shouldn't smoke, but it is perfectly fine for youngsters to pop Mom's Vicoden like they're, pardon the pun, M&Ms.

Am I alone thinking the whole thing is out of control? Ten years ago I would have never stood a chance at staying off the evil weed. Back then cigarettes were about half the price they are now and cool people like Winona Ryder and Ethan Hawk were great role models. I hardly think kids today should aspire to be more like Miss Britney Spears, but God bless her for keeping it real. Drinking and whoring just wouldn't seem fitting without seeing her around town puffing away. You go girl!

What kind of a world do we live in were smoking is being banned in prisons? What will inmates trade with? It has truly gotten out of hand. When was this massive acknowledgement that cigarettes cause cancer (which I'm sure they do) or that they are bad for you (which they are)? If this new anti-smoking kick keeps up, then cancer should be all but eradicated in 20 years. My guess is it will not. I think there may even be a correlation between smoking going out of style and obesity being all the rage. Ask a Frenchman. They all smoke, but the fat ones are few and far between.

As much as I lean towards a world were we are all treated to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness, I think there is one minority it is still perfectly OK to abuse and that is the smoker. Yes, they probably should be doing it outdoors. Yes, we have to take measures to keep children from buying cigarettes. On the other hand, imagine the collapse our economy will experience when we don't have the poor smoker to tax anymore.

While second hand smoke may be harmful to others, I can not think of a single incident where a smoker was out puffing all night and in their altered nicotine induced stupor smashed their car into some innocent pedestrian. Ditto for smoking causing addicts to abuse their wives and children. OK, I guess if you're trying to quit, that sometimes incites violence. If you think I'm crazy saying drinking is more harmful to others than smoking, rest easy. It is next on the list of vices to go. To those who have to walk a mile from work to have a smoke break, you know Camel's old motto. To those about to puff, I salute you.

So I didn't see Helio Sequence, but I can tell you the comedian on the tour didn't do it for me, but I'm sure he made others laugh. Heck, Larry David was a failed stand-up comedian so there is hope. I wish the guy luck. I think the material he had was just for a different audience than what showed up last night. Modest Mouse was great and Brock made all his usual faces and tried to start a fight. I didn't get to meet Eric Judy, because the place was packed! My roommate recognized Brock standing next to us before the show and they talked very briefly. I figured either A)nobody recognized him because they aren't seen a whole lot and he dresses like a fisherman or B)it is real undeck amongst the hipsters to talk with the "Stars". Either way, the hipsters for the most part had no clue about any of the songs. I'm in the back wearing a sweatshirt and (GASP!)corduroy pants and singing along. I think there were quite a few kids there just to be seen at the show. Pathetic really, but I'm sure I would have made sure everyone knew I went to the Nirvana show back when I was in high school.

Anyway, the performance was great. The sound woes were nearly absent as it was just loud enough to rock the house, but never obnoxious or distorted. "3rd Planet" got done up pop style and "Paper Thin Walls", "The Cockroach" and "Wild Pack of Family Dogs"where crowd pleasers. Otherwise, the other songs I recognized were ones I'm not a huge fan of like "Cowboy Dan". I was hoping to hear "Trailer Trash" and "Teeth Like God's Shoeshine". No such luck. The new album will be great though if the material they unveiled last night is on it.

And how!

Two things, two things. That’s what some schizoid guy said to me as I stood outside my friend’s apartment 2 summers back smoking a cigarette in the Queen Anne district of Seattle. Today, I say the same to you.


First order of business…the world o’ music. Tonight I’m seeing Modest Mouse in a venue of 200 people. It will either be the greatest concert I have ever been to or absolute hell. My friend Jesse is a buddy with their bass player, so I might get up the nerve to talk with Eric Judy. Every time I am out west, he has been on the road, so we’ve never met under those less cautionary terms. I did see his picture on Jesse’s fridge and surmised Mr. Judy reminds me a bit of a young Kevin Spacey. In other music news, my nephew is the bass player in Clean Getaway. They’re going to be huge, so keep your eyes open.


Also in the all too immediate future is “The Passion” by Mel “use to have a mullet” Gibson. Apparently the films depiction of Christ’s death is pretty graphic and very anti-Semitic. If you aren’t Catholic or you haven’t escaped the clutches of the Vatican (like yours truly), then you probably don’t know this film is anything but historically or Biblically accurate. No, I don’t deny Jesus was crucified, nor do I deny the Jews played a big old roll in that, but I’d like to point out he was Jewish himself. I’m sure if the local townspeople here decided to crucify me, I doubt very seriously the national news would start criticizing all Floridians for their violent practices. A few people would be held accountable who just so happen to be Floridian. At least, I hope that’s how it would play out.


Anyway, the Vatican is torn like Natalie Imbruglia (I just wanted to mention her because she is gorgeous). If they endorse the movie, then it will have a detrimental effect of the Jewish-Catholic relations that have taken decades to become what they are. On the other hand, the film is based on Anne Catherine Emmerich's account of her visions. She is a German nun who was also afflicted with the stigmata and had visions of Christ's suffering. Currently, the Catholic Church is on its way to beautifying her. So here she is on her way to sainthood. No way is the Catholic Church or the Pope going to question the film, because that would question the visions of a woman they are about to make into a saint. What to do, what to do?

This is not a Valentine’s Day blog! I just wanted to be straight about that up front. OK, who can deny it? I’m superstisious and terminally afraid of dying alone, so Friday the 13th and Valentines back-to-back is getting to me. Its not that I’m afraid something bad will happen. In fact my Mom in Australia reported to me that Friday the 13th passed there without any problems. Now it is just Valentine’s Day that I have to dread. I like to call it VD for short. While I’m at it, I’ll christen today Frizzle the Thizzle. It sounds less ominous.

I’m truly lost on any intelligent commentary on the subject. I think love is this silly notion promoted by Hollywood to sell stuff. Yes, I’ve been in love and I’m starting to think it has the shelf like of an ice cream cone. Truthfully, I’d be hard pressed to think of a great relationship (if you are a married or otherwise committed person reading this, I am not talking about you of course). Marriage seems to have its own demonic set of expectations and these days, when the spouse isn’t putting out emotionally, financially or sexually, most folks throw their hat back in the ring and try round 2 (or 3 or 4 or 5…)

So maybe the notion of love is outdated. We really only have to look at other animals to realize this idea of pair bonding is only meant to last long enough to conceive. Think about that. All those baby's daddy's out there have it right.I’m sure life is easier with a partner who always has your best interest in mind and is there for you when you need them, but I haven’t seen a relationship like that since the 3rd “Lethal Weapon” movie. Lets face it, you come into the world alone and you’ll likely leave it that way. If you’re lucky, you’ll be naked on your way out too.

Here’s a great statistic from the CDC. As the Beastie Boys once said, “you can’t front on that.” Most of us stand a very good chance of having a “starter marriage.” I guess finding a life partner is a lot like every other worthy goal in life. It is a lot of work. Loosing weight, quitting smoking, getting a college degree. All these things require work and sacrifice. For some reason, people have adopted this mentality that love will conquer all, despite glaring evidence to the contrary. What do I know, I’m just some bitter loser who will probably spend his V-Day watching Comedy Central and eating a TV dinner.

Today started out like any oth..nevermind. I have had 5 hours of sleep all week. I'll report back when things get normal again.

Well, today I came face to face with the vast void that exist between college seniors and people who are 5 years out of college. I fell head-first into this reality today when I went to my Alma Mater and represented my workplace at their career day. I know the day was going to be weird when not five minutes into the event, I saw “hairy cleavage” (see date from hell below). It seems like I’m just sort of on a roll lately. They say good things come when you least expect them and I truthfully and finally expect to die alone and smelly. Of course, nothing also comes when you least expect it, so I digress.

The best part of the whole event was being called “Dude” a lot. I would have jokingly responded, “The Dude abides”, but I’m sure not a one of them would have gotten it. After all, they were not even in high school when that movie came out. At least, its good to know I’m still a dude and not a “sir” just yet. I made a point of not wearing my suit to prevent such a mistake. I had a lot of people who I knew from back in the day reintroduce them selves (yes, even people I worked with as a work-study and beyond). I replied “good to see you again.” to make them think. It’s OK I wouldn’t remember me either. Every time I talked with a student who was in the Communication or English program I tried to talk them into getting a master in something practical. I wouldn’t have listened as a 22 year old English and Communication major. The message fell on deaf ears.

I did get a glimpse into how misguided some of these poor souls are. I heard one Communication major tell her friends that she just went to the Disney booth and they offered her an entry level position. The girl couldn’t understand why she was being offered such a position with a college degree. To add insult to injury, they were only going to pay her 30 grand a year. Oh the travesty! Missy, I don’t make that yet, so count your blessings. From there, things went down hill. I met some other reps. One I recognized and politely asked her if she graduate 4 or 5 years ago. She huffed and said, “I graduated two years ago. It was nice meeting you.” She promptly walked away. I guess looking young myself, I assume people that look older than me are at least my age or a couple of years older. This girl was apparently 24. My response should have been “oh yeah, class of 2001. Wasn’t that the year all the bitches graduated?”

I also met one girl from my class. She was working for the local PBS station and I casually asked her if she was doing on-air work. She said she was doing administrative work and I recalled my tales of Clear Channel woe with her and how I tried to break into broadcasting, but grew tired of minimum wage and the night shift while holding down a day job. I said it just wore me out and I had to give up the dream. She got offended and said something like “I guess you wanted to be on the air.” Yeah, isn’t that why everyone goes into broadcasting? Well, I was on the radio and the pay and long hours was not worth it. Some DJ dream that was. At least I lived mine. It wasn’t what it was cracked up to be, but I’m sure she’ll be pushing paper and daydreaming about what could have been. Don’t get me wrong, my work now is not glamorous, but it pays the bills and I don’t have to report for work at 2 AM. Keep living the dream sister.

Then, the ex dropped by to say “hello’. She works at the school and it was nice to see her. I really felt like giving her a hug, but I didn’t want to make her uncomfortable and truth be told; it would be awkward in a work setting. I wanted to let her know that I am so very happy that she has found love again and I have nothing but the best wishes for her and for the first time in a long time, we got to just talk and be ourselves and not have the pain of our doomed relationship hanging over our heads. I guess some things are better left below the surface of small talk. That was my day. I have to build web pages and wonder if getting a MMIS degree will get me anything other than another piece of parchment. I miss 1998.

Something tells me if the average depressed teenager knew what a day of adulthood was like, the suicide rate would sky rocket. I remember being a kid and thinking not having a hot car or a cheerleader was depressing. Little did I know about 40+ hour workweeks. If I could see the sun from time to time or just had a day to bum around and do NOTHING then I would be a lot happier. I live in a gorgeous place with lots of sunny days and fun outdoor activities, so I count myself lucky. It’s a sad state that most of us live for the 2 weeks vacation we get each year and that’s only for a lucky few.


On a happier note, someone’s buddies are turning on HIM, or at least questioning him. I wouldn’t doubt if this was some White House ploy though. Maybe O'Reilly is taking a crack at being “fair and balanced”, but I’m not holding my breath. The truth is, if there exist genuine doubt among the ultra-conservative, then Bush can be beaten.

What does that mean to me? I’m sure I’ll be right where I’m at. I did learn two useful things today. The first is a can of Pepsi has 10 calories more than a can of Coke. I’m glad I’m a Coke man. The second is that THIS is only a mile from my work. I went for lunch today and the place was crawling with information technology guys. Nerds of a feather…

Why do I think John Kerry can win? Because he’s tall. The only two times in recent memory that a shorter candidate has won was Jimmy Carter in 1976 and George W. Bush in 2000. I will not even get into the debate about if W. actually won or not. In fact, the popular vote most likely went Al Gore at 6’1”. Of course, being shorter, W. had friends in low places that put a stop to the vote counting. So, if you had to bet today, bet John Kerry will take this election. It has little to do with who is the better candidate and more to do with who is taller. How's the weather up there?