It is such a weird thing to see someone and know it will probably be the last time you see them alive. Yesterday I drove to South Carolina and back to see my grandma. The first hour I was there, I left my sister alone with Grandma. We both drove up together and I figured both of us being there at the same time might be overwhelming. So I left and gave them some quality time. Apparently while I was gone my Grandma sat up and even talked for some time with my Sister. By the time I got back she was in a deep sleep. After about 3 hours of watching her sleep, my sister and I decided to go. We woke Grandma up to let her know we were leaving and she was very startled and asked, “what happened?” She did not even realize she fell asleep, much less for any extended period of time.
I feel a lot of very strange emotions right now. I lost my other grandma very suddenly and it was something I didn’t know was coming. I think sometimes it is better that way, although I didn’t get to tell her goodbye. This time around I have been saying goodbye over and over again. I’m not even sure Grandma knows I’m there. She is so very sick and still really mad she is in a nursing home. She did not want this. My uncle did the best he could caring for her at home and truthfully her health is deteriorating fast. So today I feel somewhat jealous my sister had a good visit and a chat with Grandma. I feel somewhat guilty that I have Grandma’s 27-inch TV. Worse yet I feel guilty for the emotional disconnect I have to the whole situation.
I’m not sure if I am using a self defense mechanism or if I have already been through this before and know what is coming. I think the truth is I just don’t want her to suffer anymore. With cancer, sometimes death is a long time coming. Up until yesterday, I didn’t realize how unpleasant my Grandmother’s life has become. I can not bring myself to be angry or bitter or sad. I can not bring myself to accept that this woman in the hospital bed is her. Up until very recently she walked her dog for miles every day and could spend 5 hours in Wal-Mart without breaking a sweat. For some reason, the new image of Grandma just isn’t sinking in.
I feel a lot of very strange emotions right now. I lost my other grandma very suddenly and it was something I didn’t know was coming. I think sometimes it is better that way, although I didn’t get to tell her goodbye. This time around I have been saying goodbye over and over again. I’m not even sure Grandma knows I’m there. She is so very sick and still really mad she is in a nursing home. She did not want this. My uncle did the best he could caring for her at home and truthfully her health is deteriorating fast. So today I feel somewhat jealous my sister had a good visit and a chat with Grandma. I feel somewhat guilty that I have Grandma’s 27-inch TV. Worse yet I feel guilty for the emotional disconnect I have to the whole situation.
I’m not sure if I am using a self defense mechanism or if I have already been through this before and know what is coming. I think the truth is I just don’t want her to suffer anymore. With cancer, sometimes death is a long time coming. Up until yesterday, I didn’t realize how unpleasant my Grandmother’s life has become. I can not bring myself to be angry or bitter or sad. I can not bring myself to accept that this woman in the hospital bed is her. Up until very recently she walked her dog for miles every day and could spend 5 hours in Wal-Mart without breaking a sweat. For some reason, the new image of Grandma just isn’t sinking in.
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