Sometimes I feel pretty well stuck in a world were no one will understand me. I tend to accept others for who and what they are. On the other hand it seems everyone else in the world likes to pigeonhole things into neat little containers that they can label and store in the back of their cerebral cortex. I’m certainly not the “woo is me I’m too complex for you to possibly understand” kind of person. I learned long ago the best face you can present to the world is an unimpressive one.


The question for me is how long can I fight my nature. I’ve taken the damn Myers-Briggs test a dozen times and it always comes up INFP. I guess I’m hoping if I take it enough, eventually it will tell me I am practical and predictable and all the other things that describe stable. I don’t know why I crave stability. The reality is that really doesn’t rank too high on my list of priorities. I think instead I am seeking something I didn’t have much of when I was a kid. As an adult I can dictate how I live my life, so I’ll stick to secure things.

The truth is I have made quiet little protests against stability. Obviously I’ve changed cars a lot. Aside from that, I explore new directions every week. I’ve run the gamut of career choices and examined every one of them. While I haven’t thrown all my energy into any one choice, I’ve certainly explored the options. Clearly I’m looking for anything but the quiet predictable route.

So when then am I going to be prodded to action? I keep feeling like some circumstance will force me to make a move. Maybe I’ll wake up one day and find the deep and inspiring purpose I was put on this planet for. Whatever happens, I’ve learned through my own fragile attempts at various things that the harder you have to push anything, the less likely you are to be pushing it down the right path. I am the uncarved block.

I'll take a quiet life,
a handshake of carbon monoxide,

with no alarms and no surprises,
no alarms and no surprises,
no alarms and no surprises,
Silent silence.

This is my final fit,
my final bellyache,

with no alarms and no surprises,
no alarms and no surprises,
no alarms and no surprises please.

Such a pretty house
and such a pretty garden.

No alarms and no surprises,
no alarms and no surprises,
no alarms and no surprises please.
~Radiohead.